Archive | September, 2010

Kerry Katona appointed as UK’s ‘space ambassador’

30 Sep
Kerry Katona UN Space Ambassador

An artist's impression of Kerry Katona making first contact with extraterrestrial life

THE UNITED NATIONS Office for Outer Space Affairs which was set up in 1962 to promote the “peaceful use of outer space” has requested that every country appoint their own ‘space ambassador’ who would be responsible for conducting negotiations with extraterrestrials should they land on their territory and seek to make contact.

The move comes as the case for the existence of non-human intelligent life has grown stronger following the discovery of Earth-like planets in other solar systems.

The UK Space Agency, which was in charge of appointing Britain’s representative, announced today that it had chosen ex-Atomic Kitten singer Kerry Katona for the role.

Commenting on the appointment, Sally Henderson from the UKSA said: “People may say that we should have chosen a cultural luminary as the UK’s ‘space ambassador’, however anthropologists believe that what an alien civilisation would consider to be culture will vary hugely from our own perceptions.

Moreover, there is a language issue – those instant voice translators you see in films just don’t exist. We will have no way of communicating in an alien language, or aliens in ours. While her English is barely passable, Ms Katona is eloquent in the base, non-verbal communication of grunts, hand gestures and exaggerated facial expressions, that we believe other life forms are likely to share and understand.

Also I’ve seen ‘Mars Attacks’, and in case the aliens start shooting up the place with vapourising laser guns, we don’t want any actual important people to be within a mile of the slimy green bastards.”

Details have also emerged about the ceremony that would take place in the event of contact being made with extraterrestrials in Britain. Initial plans suggest that Katona would be standing at the end of a red carpet holding a Kind Prawn Ring on one hand, and a Iceland party platter on the other. As the extraterrestrial visitors’ representative approaches down the red carpet, Katona will emit a series of low grunts while curtsying.

In the event of physical hostility from the visitors, Katona has been advised to cower on the floor in the foetal position and soil herself.

“I do that most Friday nights anyway,” she said.

Advertisements

Lord Alan Sugar shortlists Britain’s 16 shittiest bastards

29 Sep
Melissa Cohen Apprentice 2010

Gok Wan is a contestant in the new series of the BBC's The Apprentice

LORD ALAN SUGAR has found the country’s 16 biggest cunts to battle it out for a six-figure salary with his bastard company, and be crowned the UK’s top tosser.

The bloody Amstrad boss told them: “I’ve read all your shitty CVs and on paper you all look like a complete bunch of wankers. But then again so do the Famous Five, and we all know they were actually a lovely bunch of kids.

“I need someone who is rude and aggressive and is not scared to reduce their own mother to tears by pointing and laughing at her disgusting moustache in a crowded public place. I’m not interested in any Nasty Nick or Catty Carol. I’m looking for someone who is an exceptional, grade-A tosspot.”

Former surgeon and certified wanker Shibby Robati gave up the scalpel for the spreadsheet, realising in his 20s that his heart was in the bastard business world. He said: “My first word wasn’t Mummy. It was Bitch.”

She-knob Stella English, a 30-year-old head of business twattery from London said: “I’m like a dog with a bone, I can’t let go. If I want something, I get it. Even if I have to kill a fucking child for it. Even my own.”

Lord Sugar – who will whittle down the cuntestants with the help of adviser Nick the Prick Hewer and businesswoman Karren Brady, vice-chairbitch of West Ham – will be hard on the wannabe cocks from the off, beginning with a tough, meaty challenge.

In the first challenge of the series, the knob-ends are sent out by Lord Sugar to London’s Smithfield market to buy pork to make sausages, which they then must sell to Jews and Muslims – telling them it’s Kosher or Halal chicken – for as large a profit as possible.

“The look on their faces when they’ve eaten it and you tell them it’s pork!” laughed Stella.

Lil’ Kim to be chosen as new leader of North Korea

28 Sep
Lil' Kim North Korea Kim Jong-il

Portraits of Kim Jong-lil have already been distributed to be hung next to those of the current leader Kim Jong-il and former leader Kim Il-sung

North Korea’s ruling party will hold its first conference in a generation today amid speculation that leader Kim Jong-il is about to name his daughter, American rapper Lil’ Kim, as his successor.

The Worker’s Party is widely expected to promote Kim Jong-il’s only daughter to a senior position, effectively anointing her as his heir and next ‘Dear Leader’ of North Korea.

Lil’ Kim, real name Kim Jong-lil, was born as the result of a romance between the North Korean leader and African-American Shaneesha Lowe, a communist youth leader who was on a rare educational exchange programme to the secretive communist state in the 1970s.

Although raised in New York, Kim kept in close contact with her father, who is understood to have overseen her education in the Juche Idea, the official ideology of North Korea, in preparation for her eventual ruling of the country.

Analysts in democratic South Korea claim Lil’ Kim’s career on the American rap scene has been an ambitious North Korean propaganda exercise aimed at indoctrinating the American youth with communist ideology. They point to lyrics in her hit songs that apparently extol the virtues of communism and North Korea, such as:  “Now all my bitches rub ya titties (if ya love the Dear Leader) / And all my niggaz grab ya dicks if you feelin agricultural collectivization / I’m in the middle of Pyongyang (go Kim Jong-il, go Kim Jong-il) killin the South Korean Imperialists”

The Korean Central News Agency carried a short statement early on Tuesday announcing the party meeting:

“The conference of the Worker’s Party of Korea for electing its supreme leadership body will take place in Pyongyang on 28 September,” the statement said.

Ordinary North Korean citizens are reluctant to speak to foreign journalists about the country’s internal affairs, however one Pyongyang student, who wished to remain anonymous,  said:

“We were told at university that Kim Jong-Lil is very intelligent, and that she has unrivaled knowledge of the teachings of the eternal leader Kim il-Sung.

“And she got your dick hard, startin fights in the yard, hotter than a Pop Tart fresh out of the toaster, niggaz do anything for a Lil’ Kim-Jong poster.”

Exclusive Reader’s Offer: Cheryl Cole Collector’s Plate

26 Sep

Cheryl Cole X Factor Plate

It truly is an honour to witness Cheryl Cole blossom into a national treasure, and this magnificent machine-painted collector’s plate is the perfect way to celebrate her beauty, grace and wisdom.

Crafted from 100% non-racist porcelain this exquisite plate can be yours for only £39.99 + P&P.

All major credit & debit cards, cheques, and Child Trust Fund vouchers accepted.

Katy Perry axed from Sesame Street for being too attractive

25 Sep
Katy Perry Elmo Sesame Street

T is for Tits - Katy Perry was deemed too attractive by ugly American mothers

KATY PERRY’S appearance on Sesame Street has been cut after American mothers complained the singer is too attractive and were concerned their children and husbands would see them for the greasy she-whales they are.

On Monday, a video of Perry singing a version of her hit Hot n Cold with Sesame Street puppet Elmo was posted on YouTube. However within hours, mothers, outraged by Perry’s low-cut dress, slim figure and general attractiveness, began protesting on various Internet forums and social networking sites.

One mother wrote: “She should have covered up her body more, it’s indecent for her to show that much cleavage on a kids’ show.

“And she should have put a paper bag over her head, because she’s got a very pretty face and that makes me hate myself.”

On the Concerned American Mothers forum, Sally McKinner from Tennessee said: “My daughter saw the video on YouTube and said ‘mommy, why aren’t you thin and pretty like Katy Perry?’

“I think I’m going to start self-harming again.”

As a result of the protests, Sesame Street’s producers decided not to use the clip, and released a statement:

“In light of the feedback we’ve received on the Katy Perry music video which was released on YouTube only, we have decided we will not air the segment on the television broadcast of Sesame Street, which is aimed at preschoolers. We also value the opinions of parents and do not wish to highlight to children the fact that their mothers are disgustingly overweight self-loathing trolls.”

The statement was little comfort to those mothers whose family members had already seen the video on the Internet. One comment online read: “Since seeing the clip of Katy Perry and Elmo online my husband has barely touched me. He looks very disappointed, shakes his head and sighs whenever he sees me. Now he just watches Katy Perry videos on YouTube all day.

“I’ve also caught him masturbating over a picture of Elmo.”

Man invades X Factor bootcamp claiming to be former winner

23 Sep
Leon Jackson Mugshot, X Factor

Leon Jackson was described as delusional and mentally unstable

THE FILMING of X Factor bootcamp was interrupted this week when a mentally unstable man invaded the set claiming to be a former winner of the competition.

The man harassed several contestants after managing to slip through security and enter the London studio where the bootcamp stage of the ITV talent show was being filmed.

One X Factor hopeful said: “I was backstage practising and this weird guy suddenly came up to me and started asking where Simon Cowell was. When I said I didn’t know he went crazy and started shaking me and shouting ‘Don’ t you recognise me?! I won the fucking show!'”

The man, identified as 21 year-old Leon Jackson from West Lothian, Scotland, approached several contestants before being apprehended by security staff who handed him over to the Metropolitan Police.

Jackson was said to be in a ‘highly agitated and delusional’ state, claiming that he had won the X Factor in 2007 and that Simon Cowell and ITV bosses had colluded to write him out of the show’s history.

An ITV spokesperson said: “Obviously this is nonsense. As most people will remember, the X Factor took a break and did not air in 2007. Instead ITV1 showed repeats of Midsomer Murders and Heartbeat.”

Commenting on the incident, X Factor supremo Simon Cowell  said: “Unfortunately there are some very deluded people out there who live in their own imaginary worlds. Everyone knows the X Factor didn’t run in 2007 and there have only been
three winners – Alexandra, Leona and Joe.”

“I hope this young man finds the help he needs.”

Jackson is currently being held at a psychiatric hospital in South London.

Nadine Coyle’s solo single ridiculed for Frère Jacques sample

21 Sep
Nadine Coyle Insatiable

Ou la la - The artwork for Nadine Coyle's debut single Insatiable

GIRLS ALOUD singer Nadine Coyle’s solo career seemed to be over before it started, today, after she was ridiculed for sampling the French nursery rhyme Frère Jacques on her debut single Insatiable.

The song, which is released in November, features the chorus: In, in, sa satiable / You make me lose my control / In, in, sa satiable / You make me lose my control / Frère Jacques Jacques Jacques / Frère Jacques Jacques Jacques / Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?

But within hours of the song appearing online, music fans flooded social networking sites with less than favourable reviews.

Kirsty Sheldon from Grimsby tweeted: “Why on Earth would you include a French nursery rhyme in a song? It’s just stupid.”

Another wrote on Facebook: “If she wanted to sample a French song, she could have at least chosen Joe Le Taxi.”

Loyal Nadine fans were also unimpressed by the choice of lyrics. xXNadine4EVAXx posted on the official Girls Aloud forum: “i dont like it cos i dont understand forein”

“lolz”

Sean Markus, entertainment editor of the Financial Times said: “This is just another example of how the importance of meaningful song lyrics has fallen by the wayside in recent years. Who in their right mind would sample a French nursery rhyme in a pop song?”

Defiant Nadine dismissed the criticism explaining: “The lyrics aren’t meaningless. ‘Frère Jacques’ means ‘brother James’, and that’s very personal to me, because I have a brother myself. He’s called Simon.”

“Also in the video I do an amazing dance during the French bit, so fuck off.”

%d bloggers like this: