THE UNITED NATIONS Office for Outer Space Affairs which was set up in 1962 to promote the “peaceful use of outer space” has requested that every country appoint their own ‘space ambassador’ who would be responsible for conducting negotiations with extraterrestrials should they land on their territory and seek to make contact.
The move comes as the case for the existence of non-human intelligent life has grown stronger following the discovery of Earth-like planets in other solar systems.
The UK Space Agency, which was in charge of appointing Britain’s representative, announced today that it had chosen ex-Atomic Kitten singer Kerry Katona for the role.
Commenting on the appointment, Sally Henderson from the UKSA said: “People may say that we should have chosen a cultural luminary as the UK’s ‘space ambassador’, however anthropologists believe that what an alien civilisation would consider to be culture will vary hugely from our own perceptions.
Moreover, there is a language issue – those instant voice translators you see in films just don’t exist. We will have no way of communicating in an alien language, or aliens in ours. While her English is barely passable, Ms Katona is eloquent in the base, non-verbal communication of grunts, hand gestures and exaggerated facial expressions, that we believe other life forms are likely to share and understand.
Also I’ve seen ‘Mars Attacks’, and in case the aliens start shooting up the place with vapourising laser guns, we don’t want any actual important people to be within a mile of the slimy green bastards.”
Details have also emerged about the ceremony that would take place in the event of contact being made with extraterrestrials in Britain. Initial plans suggest that Katona would be standing at the end of a red carpet holding a Kind Prawn Ring on one hand, and a Iceland party platter on the other. As the extraterrestrial visitors’ representative approaches down the red carpet, Katona will emit a series of low grunts while curtsying.
In the event of physical hostility from the visitors, Katona has been advised to cower on the floor in the foetal position and soil herself.
“I do that most Friday nights anyway,” she said.