Lord Alan Sugar shortlists Britain’s 16 shittiest bastards

29 Sep
Melissa Cohen Apprentice 2010

Gok Wan is a contestant in the new series of the BBC's The Apprentice

LORD ALAN SUGAR has found the country’s 16 biggest cunts to battle it out for a six-figure salary with his bastard company, and be crowned the UK’s top tosser.

The bloody Amstrad boss told them: “I’ve read all your shitty CVs and on paper you all look like a complete bunch of wankers. But then again so do the Famous Five, and we all know they were actually a lovely bunch of kids.

“I need someone who is rude and aggressive and is not scared to reduce their own mother to tears by pointing and laughing at her disgusting moustache in a crowded public place. I’m not interested in any Nasty Nick or Catty Carol. I’m looking for someone who is an exceptional, grade-A tosspot.”

Former surgeon and certified wanker Shibby Robati gave up the scalpel for the spreadsheet, realising in his 20s that his heart was in the bastard business world. He said: “My first word wasn’t Mummy. It was Bitch.”

She-knob Stella English, a 30-year-old head of business twattery from London said: “I’m like a dog with a bone, I can’t let go. If I want something, I get it. Even if I have to kill a fucking child for it. Even my own.”

Lord Sugar – who will whittle down the cuntestants with the help of adviser Nick the Prick Hewer and businesswoman Karren Brady, vice-chairbitch of West Ham – will be hard on the wannabe cocks from the off, beginning with a tough, meaty challenge.

In the first challenge of the series, the knob-ends are sent out by Lord Sugar to London’s Smithfield market to buy pork to make sausages, which they then must sell to Jews and Muslims – telling them it’s Kosher or Halal chicken – for as large a profit as possible.

“The look on their faces when they’ve eaten it and you tell them it’s pork!” laughed Stella.

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