Archive | October, 2010

Hallowe’en let down as the dead decide to stay at home and watch the X Factor

31 Oct
X Factor

RIP FACTOR - Not very spooky Hallowe'en expected this year as supernatural beings plan to stay at home to watch the X Factor.

TODAY is set to be the least diabolical Hallowe’en since records began as the majority of ghosts, ghouls, witches and zombies have decided to stay in and watch the X Factor results show.

31st October, All Hallows Eve, is traditionally the day when the dead come back to walk the Earth. However this year all signs are pointing to a very low supernatural turnout, as the creatures of your nightmares stay at home to see who gets booted off the X Factor.

Lady Catherine Berkshire, a Victorian ghost said: “Tonight is the only night we can wander the Earth again, but the X Factor is just so good this year we must stay in and watch it.”

Samuel the smith, a peasant who died during the black death in the fourteenth century said: “I didn’t catch last week’s results show, but before I got the chance to see it on catch-up, bloody Princess Diana text me saying that John Adeleye got voted off.

“What a bitch.”

It had initially been assumed that the dead would come to haunt the Earth once the X Factor finishes at 9 o’clock, however a large number of ghosts have already confirmed they will also be staying in to watch the Xtra Factor on ITV2 afterwards.

Abigail Sludge, a witch who lives in a cave in Northumbria said: “Me and some friends are going to get together in the early evening, with a few bottles of Blossom Hill and make a night of it. We’ll be drunk by the time the X Factor actually starts and then chat over the whole thing and not pay attention and annoy the shit out of any warlocks that are actually trying to watch it.

“I want Mary to go, her bingo wings are making me sick.”

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Literary giants Price and Orlov go head to head

30 Oct
katie-price-aleksandr-orlov

Battle of the literary greats - Katie Price (left) goes head to head with Aleksandr Orlov (right)

LITERARY giants Aleksandr Orlov – the mascot of insurance comparison website Compare the Market – and Katie Price have gone head to head in a battle to reach the top of the bestsellers list, after launching their autobiographies this week.

Christopher MacIntosh from the British Literary Society, speaking on the day both books were launched, said: “Today really is a great day for British literature, having two such eminent wordsmiths competing to top the bestsellers list is truly wonderful. It’s like when Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue released their autobiographies on the same day last month, all over again. Charles Dickens must be dancing in his grave right now.

“With joy.”

Aleksandr Orlov, the animated Russian meerkat from the Compare the Market ad campaign who boasts 763,000 Facebook fans, 41,500 followers on Twitter and 700,000 iPhone app downloads, launched his autobiography A Simples Life, which has soared into Amazon’s Top 100 on pre-orders alone.

Meanwhile, professional D-list semen receptacle Katie Price has just released the 2010 edition of her Encyclopaedia Jordanica, entitled You Only Live Once (But Write About it Twenty Times). It charts the model’s life since splitting up with husband Peter Andre in 2009 and subsequent remarriage to Alex Reid.

Guardian book critic Fraser White said: “This book really gives us an insight into the past year of Katie Price’s riveting life.

“Even though we know every minute detail of it already from her ITV2 reality show, and magazine columns, and interviews.”

At her book-launch in Waterstone’s Piccadilly, Price said: “This is definitely my most best book to date, I look really sexy on the cover and the paper is lovely and smooth.”

Not everyone was thrilled with the prospect of Price or Orlov being the country’s bestselling book, however. Sarah Shepherd from Literature Now magazine said: “The fact that a filthy wild animal is potentially going to be the country’s best selling author is quite ridiculous.

“And that stupid meerkat isn’t much better.”

Paul the psychic octopus dies while being subjected to X Factor performances

27 Oct
Paul the psychic Octopus

Paul the psychic octopus moments before his death

Paul the psychic Octopus has died while being forced to watch the X Factor finalists’ performances from last Saturday’s live show, Seleb Spy can exclusively reveal.

The tentacled sage gained worldwide fame after he predicted the winners of all of Germany’s World Cup matches, and then the victors in the final, by selecting one of two boxes containing the competing team’s flags.

Stefan Porwoll, the manager of the Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in Germany confirmed that the psychic cephalopod had been filming a segment for ITV2’s the Xtra Factor in which he would be played all of last Saturday’s live performances and then would predict the winner by choosing one of  twelve boxes each containing the picture of one of the X Factor contestants.

However relatively early on during the gruelling two-hour show the octopus’s keepers noticed the animal was acting erratically, in a way they had never seen before.

One of Paul’s keepers told Seleb Spy: “Paul started showing signs of distress during Belle Amie, he sprayed his ink during One Direction, defecated during Cher Lloyd, and by the time Katie Waissel had finished he was already floating at the top of his tank.”

Simon Cowell offered his condolences to Oberhausen Sea Life Centre, saying: “My thoughts are potentially with the staff at the Sea Life Centre during this difficult time. Having said that, the octopus’s death was of course in no way related to the X Factor performances.

“Wouldn’t ‘Octopus’ be a great name for a slutty eight-piece girlband on the X Factor? That’s an idea for next year.”

Paul’s body has been purchased by a local Spanish restaurant to be used in paella.

Cheryl Cole performs with no trousers to raise awareness of Alzheimer’s

26 Oct

Cheryl Cole (left) raises awareness of the plight of Alzheimer's sufferers (right).

CHERYL COLE performed her new single Promise This on the X Factor this weekend wearing no trousers or skirt to raise awareness of Alzheimer’s disease.

The Fight for this Lollipop singer has revealed that she chose to perform wearing only a white jacket, black underwear, and bandages around her legs, not to flash a bit of thigh and minge to viewers and divert attention from the fact she was miming to a pre-recorded vocal that still sounded worse than your mum singing in the car, but to highlight the plight of Alzheimer’s sufferers who regularly leave the house in a state of undress.

National treasure Cole exclusively told us: “For the thousands of Alzheimer’s sufferers in this country, remembering to put your trousers on before you leave the house is a real challenge.”

“I just wanted to show  solidarity with those poor little mentals during my performance on Sunday.”

The singer is also understood to have contacted the Alzheimer’s Society with her idea of a Go to Work with No Trousers Day, whereby employees can donate £2 to go work for the day wearing  just a shirt, tie and pair of Y-fronts.

She explained that she decided to speak out and raise awareness of Alzheimer’s after she was personally touched by the disease: “Me grandpa went senile in his old age and used to piss down the back of the radiator.

“Me mam drowned him in the Tyne, in the end, for his life insurance payout.”

Chancellor George Osborne to appear in Cash in the Attic

25 Oct
George Osborne Cash in the Attic

George Osborne (bottom left) with the Cash in the Attic team

CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer George Osborne is set to appear in a special edition of BBC daytime show Cash in the Attic in which he will auction off some of Britain’s unwanted possessions to help reduce the country’s deficit.

The  usual format of the housewives’ favourite show will be largely unchanged, but instead of a middle-aged lady from Hull callously selling the urn containing her mother’s ashes because its worth £30 that could go towards a week in Benidorm, Osborne, along with presenter Angela Rippon, will tour the country auctioning off stately homes, mines, and small uninhabited islands to fill the nation’s coffers.

The coalition government is keen to promote the idea that society as a whole will need to make sacrifices following last week’s Spending Review, the rich and the poor alike.

A treasury spokesperson told Seleb Spy: “The country needs to think of itself as one big family going through these tough financial times together. And what does a family do when it’s strapped for cash? It pawns Grandpa’s World War II medals for a few extra quid to put towards a new 40 inch 3D TV, that’s what.”

He added: “Britain has collected a load of old crap throughout the centuries that it could sell off for a tidy profit, like the odd palace or two, or some submarines.

“Or Scotland”

Defending the move on BBC’s News Night George Osborne said that “desperate times call for desperate measures” and that selling Scotland was in the spirit of the show:

“The programme is called ‘Cash in the Attic’ – the attic is the upper-most part of a house; so what is Britain’s attic? It’s Scotland. And rather than sell off all the shit in the attic, why not just sell the attic itself?

“I have also suggested we sell off Ireland

“Oh we don’t? When did that happen?”

Britain braces itself for Pat Butcher’s face in HD

23 Oct

Coming to you in HD soon

BBC One show EastEnders will be broadcast in high-definition for the first time on Christmas Day, the corporation has announced.

The soap will join other shows such as CBBC’s Doctor Who and Cash in the Attic which are already being shown in the HD format.

EastEnders executive producer Bryan Kirdwood said that the face of Pat Butcher actress Pam St Clement would be “even more spectacular” in HD and a “real Christmas treat.”

“Viewers will be able to appreciate every wrinkle and crevice on her cowhide face and every shade of caked on makeup. Her orange glow will be unimaginably vivid.

“Remember Cheryl Cole on the X Factor the other week when she was bright orange? Imagine someone’s then thrown a carton of Tropicana over her face, and times that by 10 and you’re not even close.”

The BBC One HD channel will be launched on 3 November, and will simulcast the BBC One schedule. The majority of popular shows including The Apprentice, Strictly Dance Coming, Paupers in Need, Antiques Stripshow and Countryfile will be shown in HD.

John Bennot, head of BBC Vision, said: “Whether it is detecting the slightest flicker of emotion on Samantha Janus’s botoxed face in Eastenders, or the goosebumps on that lovely ginger girl from Doctor Who’s milky skin.”

“And don’t get me started on Nigella’s tits in HD. Magnificent.”

27 year-old Madame Tussauds waxwork unveils replica of itself

22 Oct
Cheryl Cole Waxwork

Cheryl Cole waxwork (left) with Cheryl Cole waxwork (right)

MADAME TUSSAUDS waxwork Cheryl Cole came face to face with its new replica today and said that it didn’t look lifeless enough.

The original wax figure, made in the image of an 18th century Turkish gypsy queen for an historical display at the London tourist attraction in 1983, has gained nationwide fame since being brought to life by evil sorceress Geri Halliwel in 2002 using an elixir of stottie cake dough, fog on the Tyne, and Newcastle Brown Ale. The animated waxwork went on to sing in girl band Girls Aloud and is currently a judge on ITV’s X Factor.

Madame Tussauds insist the new waxwork will only be used as a backup in case the original is damaged beyond repair, such as by being melted by intense heat, being split in two by a particularly large penis, or by being attacked by wax-eating bacteria.

Stephen Mansfield, a sculptor at Madame Tussauds said: “The entire collection of the Stockholm Vaxfigur Museum was recently destroyed by an outbreak of wax eating bacteria.”

He also said the new waxwork was of  a superior quality than the original Cole: “The materials we use nowadays are far superior to those we used in the eighties. Back in those days all the wax contained large quantities of asbestos and dried goat dung to get the right consistency.”

“We guarantee that this new model is made of 100% non-racist materials – there’s no chance of it calling any of our black visitors a jigaboo.”

The fibreglass and wax figure, wearing a leather jacket, green dress and crystal studded heels, posed next to the new model at the London tourist attraction. It said: “It’s weird. I cannae even explain it, I don’t see meself like that. It’s not the best likeness. It looks too human, it’s not 100% dead behind the eyes.”

“It’s not right up my street.”

The figure, which cost £150,000 to make, will go on show in the new X Factor area of the attraction which also contains the actual corpse of Sharon Osbourne.

10 fans randomly selected from the Internet were also present at the unveiling. Student Luke Black, 18, of West London, said: “The model’s brilliant – almost as good as the real thing.

“I touched its fanny.”

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