Ke$ha sobers up, forgets she’s a popstar

8 Oct
Ke$ha

Ke$ha during happier, drunker times

SINGER Ke$ha has had a full night’s sleep, sobered up and can’t remember she’s a pop star, her record company has revealed. The Your Cum is my Drug singer’s pop career is understood to have been a year-long drink binge which began in late 2009.

George Clark, head of A&R at JIZ Records said: “Ke$ha had been completely off her tits since October 2009 and was kept in a state of constant inebriation by minders who only let her sleep for three hours at a time, before waking her up and plying her with more alcohol. We called it the ‘Judy Finnigan cycle.’

“We recognised the appeal of drunk fuck-ups like Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Amy Winehouse and Taylor Swift, and realised there was a space in the market for a fresh, new, slightly disoriented drunk singer for the new decade.”

However earlier this month a mixup in Ke$ha’s minders’ scheduling meant the singer was left unattended for a whole night, in which time she slept for 12 hours and completely sobered up.

Ray Sanchez, the record company minder who discovered Ke$ha sober, said: “I went to check on Ke$ha in the morning and found her in the kitchen, eating Alka-Selzer tablets straight out the packet. She didn’t have a clue where she was or who I was, even though I’d been banging her for the past 2 months.”

Her record company’s worst fears were confirmed when Ke$ha, real name Kesha Sebert, couldn’t remember anything about the past year, any of her songs, or the fact she was a popstar.

“We played her her first single Tik Tok and she was like ‘what the fuck is this shit?!'” Sanchez said.

Speaking exclusively to SelebSpy, Ke$ha said: “The last thing I remember is being at my friend Sally’s graduation party and getting pretty wasted. I was talking to some guys who said they worked for a record label and then everything after that is a blank. What year is it?

“And why have I got glitter in my pussy?”

Asked whether they might attempt to continue the Ke$ha project by getting her wasted again, Clark said: “Unfortunately we have also found out that Ke$ha is now suffering from chronic liver disease. We have learnt our lesson from this; we can’t rely on alcohol or drugs to make a pop star seem crazy and interesting.

“We really just need to find someone who is genuinely mentally ill. Like Britney Spears.”

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: