Archive | November, 2010

Michael Jackson to entertain your children in their bedrooms this Christmas

29 Nov
Michael Jackson The Experience Game Nintendo Wii

Michael Jackson: The Experience. Suitable for Children aged 12 and over.

YOUR children will spend this Christmas locked in their bedrooms beating away at their white rods with Michael Jackson, Seleb Spy can exclusively reveal.

The must-have toy topping children’s Christmas lists this year is the new video game Michael Jackson: The Experience for the Nintendo Wii.

In the game, players learn the deceased King of Pop’s dance-routines, and sing along to his greatest hits such as You Rock my World and This is It in the comfort of their own homes.

However, parents have raised concerns that the game is an attempt by Jackson to abuse their children from beyond the grave using the Nintendo Wii console as a paedophilic electronic Ouija board.

Geraldine Clarke, a mother of two from Essex said: “When Michael Jackson died, I, like parents all over the world, breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Finally,’ I thought, ‘my children are safe.’

“Now this game has gone on sale, and my kids are hassling me to buy it for them for Christmas.

“As I told our 44-year old male nanny Malcolm, I won’t put my children in danger in that way.”

Another concerned parent, Sally Anderson from Hull said: “When Michael Jackson was alive, I was constantly concerned that at any moment he could climb through my children’s bedroom window and abuse them.

“Despite the fact he lived thousands of miles away, and that my children are disgustingly ugly, obese sacks of shit that no one would touch even if they ran through a paedophile convention stark bollock naked.”

Michael Jackson: The Experience also features a number of mini-games, including Jammin’ in the Bed in which players get into bed together and vigorously shake their Wii sticks while Jackson gently serenades them onscreen. The faster the players shake their Wii sticks, the more ‘Jesus Juice’ points Jackson awards them.

The game’s developer Ubisoft has sought to allay parents’ concerns and issued a statement in which a spokesperson said:

“We have attempted to make Michael Jackson: The Experience as realistic a reflection of being with the King of Pop as possible. However we have removed certain aspects of the real Michael Jackson ‘experience’ from the game.

“Namely, the kiddy-fiddling.”

Ubisoft also rejected criticism that developing a video game based on someone who was probably a paedophile is inappropriate.

“We do not feel that it is inappropriate to produce a video game featuring an alleged paedophile.

After all, Call of Duty: Gary Glitter’s Vietnam Adventure on the XBox 360 was a roaring success.”


Move your hair back and forth with caution, urges Department of Health

22 Nov

Department of Health, Whip My Hair, Willow Smith

THE Department of Health has issued guidelines on the safe use of hair during dancing, following a recent wave of injuries attributed to the Willow Smith Whip My Hair dance craze.

The guidelines have been published after health officials became concerned that the music video for 9 year-old singer Willow Smith’s single Whip My Hair was encouraging girls and homosexual men to engage in a form of dancing that can cause injury to themselves and those around them.

The Department of Health has released recent Accident & Emergency admission statistics that show an alarming increase in hair-whipping related injuries, including a 300% increase in cases of whiplash, and 280% increase in hair-in-eye injuries.

Consultant paediatrician Sally Anderson from University College Hospital in London said:

“Last week, five young girls and an effeminate boy were admitted to Accident & Emergency suffering from whiplash.

“I assumed a school bus had been involved in a collision or something.

“I later learnt that they had actually been at home, dancing to Willow Smith’s Whip My Hair.

The Department of Health guidelines suggest that rather than whipping their hair back and forth, dancers cautiously swish their hair, while wearing a suitable neck brace to avoid any damage to the neck or upper back.

Dancers are also advised to ensure they have sufficient space around them to avoid hitting their head against any furniture or swishing their hair into a nearby person’s eyes.

Secretary of state for health Andrew Lansley said: “Unfortunately we have seen an unprecedented number of injuries as a result of Miss Smith’s irresponsible music video.

“We want young women and their gay friends to be able to enjoy their hair as part of a safe and considerate dance routine.”

Exclusive Reader’s Offer: Mary Byrne’s Debut Album

21 Nov

Mary Byrne X Factor 2010

SELEB SPY is proud to exclusively bring you the long-awaited debut album of rotund X Factor contestant Mary Byrne, With Added Gravy.

A magical collection of the nation’s best-loved classics, and some trendy new songs from the hit parade, With Added Gravy is a must have album for music lovers of all ages.

Mary Byrne is the popstar for the recession generation and has a truly unforgettable voice crafted from years of alcohol and tobacco abuse.

She belts out the high notes, she belts out the low notes, and she belts out the notes that should never be belted out.

With Added Gravy tracklist:

1. Diamonds are Forever (Shirley Bassey)
2. It´s a Man´s World (James Brown)
3. My Neck, My Back (Khia)
4. Could it Be Magic (Barry Manilow)
5. Gotta Tell You (Samantha Mumba)
6. Danny Boy

And the exclusive new song:

7. Transfer your Clubcard Points to my Heart

Critics are literally queuing – Tesco style – to heap praise on Mary Byrne´s With Added Gravy. And if the queue is too long Mary will open another check-out.

Or suggest they use the self-service check-out.

Rolling Stone
“The best bingo wings in pop”

Cheryl Cole
“This album is right up my street!”

Simon Cowell
“Mary’s debut album is potentially the best thing I’ve heard all morning. Having said that, I did just hear my dog fart and that did sound better than Mary.

“And smelt better too.”

This future classic LP is available on 12″, Cassette and state-of-the art Compact Disc exclusively from

All major credit / debit cards, cash, cheque, child trust fund vouchers, luncheon vouchers, gold fillings accepted.

Danyl Johnson banned from visiting the X factor house after attempting to bum One Direction

19 Nov

Security found a bottle of 'room odouriser' in Danyl Johnson's possession.

FORMER X factor contestant Danyl Johnson has been banned from visiting the X Factor house by the show’s producers over fears he is trying to sodomise One Direction.

During last year’s series, BISEXUAL Johnson, 28, was widely rumoured to be having a secret romance with fellow contestant Lloyd Daniels, 16 at the time, a claim that was confirmed by insiders on the show, although kept out of the mainstream media by Simon Cowell.

Producers have recently become increasingly concerned over Johnson’s frequent visits to the current X Factor house and now fear that the BISEXUAL singer has become bored with young Welshman Daniels and diverted his attention to the younger, sexier One Direction boys.

An insider exclusively told Seleb Spy: “He showed up one day and asked if he could come in and see the contestants. We thought he just wanted to wish them well and offer some advice.

“He spent quite some time in One Direction’s bedroom, giving them a ‘singing lesson’.

“Little Niall came out whimpering and wouldn’t say a word to anyone for days.”

Following online death threats to controversial contestants Wagner Fiuza-Carrilho and Katie Waissel, security at the X Factor house has been tightened this week, with all visitors undergoing a bag search.

Producers finally made the decision to ban further visits by Danyl Johson after finding suspicious items in the BISEXUAL’s possession during the routine search.

Security found “a small bottle of ‘room aroma’, a tube of personal lubricant, and several Trojan branded condoms.” Our spy said.

BISEXUAL Johnson was then ejected from the property. Fans outside the house who witnessed the scenes exclusively told Seleb Spy:

“Me and loads of other girls from the One Direction fan club were outside the house, our fannies frothing away at the thought of catching a glimpse of the boys, when suddenly there was a load of screaming and shouting.

“We saw these security guys dragging that poofter from last year’s show out the house and he was screaming ‘Zain! Zain! It won’t hurt, I promise!’

“I don’t really know what he meant by that.”

Another fan added: “That’s what my Grandpa used to say to me.”

ITV released a statement yesterday evening saying: “We can confirm that X Factor 2009 contestant Danyl Johnson has been banned from visiting the X Factor house. While we have no evidence that anything untoward has been going on – this year – we are taking no chances.

“We want to make sure the only parts of the One Direction boys’ bodies being stretched to breaking point are their vocal cords.

“And not their arse holes.”

Katie Waissel to sing new version of Candle in the Wind on tonight’s X Factor

13 Nov

Katie Waissel, X Factor, Seleb Spy 2010KATIE WAISSEL will sing an updated version of Candle in the Wind, tonight, on what is expected to be the embattled singer’s last X Factor live show.

Last weekend, Waissel, 24, was in the bottom two for the third time, but was controversially spared the chop, following judge Cheryl Cole’s refusal to choose between the north London singer or her other act Treyk Cohen.

Tonight, contestants will be performing songs by celebrated angry homosexual Elton John.

Upon learning of the theme, Waissel is reported to have immediately jumped at the chance to sing the classic Candle in the Wind, one of the best selling singles of all time.

“Katie knows her days on the show are numbered and thinks Candle in the Wind will be the perfect swan song for her,” an insider at ITV told Seleb Spy.

“She knows what a sad and difficult time it will be for viewers to see her leave the show. It will be on par with the death of Princess Di, so she wanted to sing an appropriately poignant song. ”

Our source also revealed that the lyrics of the song, originally about Marilyn Monroe and later rededicated to the late Princess Diana in 1997, have been updated once again – this time by Waissel herself.

The song, retitled Candle in the Wind Machine, will open with the new lyrics :

“Goodbye X Factor’s rose
May I ever grow in your hearts”

And continue with the updated chorus:

“And it seems to you that I’ve lived my life
Like a candle in the wind machine
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And my footsteps will always fall here
On X Factor’s greatest stage
My candle’s burned out long before
My legend ever will”

Speaking exclusively to Seleb Spy, Waissel said: “I really identify with both Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana and see a lot of their qualities in myself.

“I understand what it’s like to be hounded by the media and also…. erm… we’re all blonde, and…… you know, we all have vaginas.

“And make sure you fucking vote for me this week. My dirty protest threat still stands.”

Details of the staging of Waissel’s performance have also leaked. There will be a staged funeral with inconsolable mourners gathered round an open casket. At the beginning of the performance Waissel will emerge from the casket wearing a replica of Princess Diana’s wedding dress.

X Factor supremo Simon Cowell said: “Many people are potentially saying that Katie doesn’t deserve to be on the show and that potentially the show is rigged to keep in her in the running.

“That is potentially total rubbish; Katie is still in the competition as she potentially has real star quality and is a potentially interesting performer.

“Having said that, she gives wonderful blowjobs. No gag reflex.”

50,000 students protest axing of Cash in the Attic

12 Nov

London Student Protests 2010

A MASS student demonstration against the BBC’s decision to axe daytime programme Cash in the Attic was marred by a “hardcore group” who hijacked the event to protest against the rise in university tuition fees.

Around 50,000 students from across the country converged on central London on Tuesday to protest against the BBC’s decision to cancel student daytime TV favourite Cash in the Attic.

The BAFTA winning programme – in which homeowners dance on their relatives graves by flogging their treasured family heirlooms so they can afford to get Sky Plus HD – will be axed as a result of the coalition government’s cuts to BBC funding.

The demonstrators gathered  at Trafalgar Square in the early afternoon, some students even waking up before noon to attend,  and marched down Whitehall to Parliament Square. Later, a large group besieged Milbank Tower, which houses the headquarters of the Conservative party, whom students ultimately blame for the demise of their beloved Cash in the Attic.

One of the protesters, gender studies student Sally Bowles  who wears a keffiyeh in solidarity with the people of Gaza even though the people of Gaza, given the chance, would try to execute her for being a lesbian infidel with an immoral asymmetric haircut, told Seleb Spy: “It shows how angry people are.

“Why is Cash in the Attic being cancelled? How are middle-aged people supposed to be able to afford a holiday in Benidorm if they can’t have Lorne Spicer raid their house and auction off their dead mother’s wedding ring? People have felt the need to take matters into their own hands.”

Another protester, physics student Lucas Mason said: “What are students supposed to do at 1pm instead of watching Cash in the Attic?”

“Attend lectures?

“Don’t be fucking stupid.”

However, the protest was hijacked by a relatively small number of people demonstrating against the government’s plans to treble university tuition fees.

President of the National Union of Students Aaron Porter said: “Over 50,000 students came out today to voice their opposition to the BBC’s decision to cancel Cash in the Attic and the coalition government’s cuts that ultimately precipitated it.

“We are appalled that a small minority hijacked the demonstration and protested against something as irrelevant as tuition fee rises that won’t even come into effect until after they’ve left university anyway.

“Now if you excuse me, I need to dash off.

Homes under the Hammer is about to start.”

Louis Walsh forced to dress as leprechaun as punishment for casual racism

10 Nov

Louis Walsh X FactorLOUIS WALSH will be forced to wear a leprechaun outfit for the duration of this Saturday’s X Factor live show as punishment for his ongoing casually racist comments to contestants.

The show’s producers have previously warned the 58 year-old judge about his inappropriate comments comparing black contestants to random black artists just because they are black and the same gender, such as: “You remind me of a young Tina Turner” to any black female contestant or “you remind me of a young James Brown” to any black male contestant.

Walsh’s questionable comments have not only been aimed at black contestants, however. During last year’s series, following a performance by Jewish contestant Stacey Solomon he said: “I really like you.

“You’re like a British Anne Frank.”

On Saturday, viewers were left shocked and bewildered by the Irishman’s comparison of 19 year-old Paije Richardson to “a little Lenny Henry”, prompting producers to finally censure Walsh for his casual racism.

Kat_luvs_ya_89 on the Daily News forums wrote: “OMG, wots Louis on saying Paije is like a little Lenny Henry??? Just cos they are both black doesnt mean they look alike. So racist! [sic]

“Everyone knows Paije looks like Kenan from Kenan & Kel, anyway.


Producers have now decided that the only way Walsh will understand why his comments are inappropriate is to give him a taste of his own medicine and force him to wear a leprechaun outfit for the duration on this Saturday’s show.

Once all the contestants have performed, Walsh, who everyone will call Paddy, will also be forced to go on stage and perform Riverdance while swigging from a bottle of Guinness, as members of the audience pelt him with potatoes.

X Factor boss Simon Cowell welcomed the decision, saying: “There is no place for casual racism on the X Factor.

“Apart from when I called Leona Lewis  a ‘dark horse’

“That was potentially hilarious.”

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