Katie Price more harmful than heroin and crack

2 Nov
Katie Price Jordan

A man tries to help a destitute Katie Price gossip addict.

KATIE PRICE gossip is the most dangerous substance in the UK by a considerable margin, beating heroin and crack cocaine into second and third place, according to an authoritative study published today.

The study, led by the former government drugs adviser David Nutt, says that if reading and watching Katie Price gossip was classified on the basis of the harm it does, on the same basis as illegal drugs, it would be class A, alongside heroin and crack cocaine.

“Crack cocaine is more addictive than Katie Price gossip, but because Katie Price gossip is so widely available there are hundreds of thousands of people who crave it every day, and those people will go to extraordinary lengths to get it.” Nutt said.

“The level of violence and anti-social behaviour generated by Katie Price gossip is staggering. Just last week I saw two well-dressed female City workers having a vicious cat fight in a newsagents over the last issue of Closer magazine because it contained a story about how Katie Price is thinking of having clitoris enlargement surgery.”

According to the study, reading about the the 32-year old jizz vessel in a newspaper, magazine or online, or watching her ITV2 reality show Katie Price: Upskirt and Personal, physiologically causes brain tissue to decay at an alarming rate. Prolonged and excessive gossip consumption ultimately leads to the addict experiencing slurred and monotonous speech, a permanently blank facial expression, orange discolouration of the skin, and the constant urge to divulge every minute detail about their pointless existence.

Paul Brown from West London, whose wife Jane is a recovering Katie Price gossip addict, knows all too well the effects of abuse: “My wife used to be a highly intelligent, successful lawyer. She read the Guardian mostly, but used to read Heat magazine as a guilty pleasure.” He said.

“I noticed about a year ago she was buying gossip magazines more and more, and was only reading the parts about Katie Price.

It got to the stage where she stopped going to work and was sitting in the bedroom all day with the curtains closed with a pile of gossip magazines and tabloid newspapers, rocking backwards and forwards while playing Katie Price’s single Free to Love Again over and over on loop.

“She would also masturbate vigorously over a picture of Dane Bowers.”

The study recommends that the government introduce a minimum price on Katie Price gossip to make it less readily available to the public.

Professor Nutt said: “What we currently have is a situation whereby if you want to get off your tits on heroin or crystal meth you need to find a dodgy dealer who lives in a squat in Camden and fork out a reasonable sum of money for it.

“But if you want to ruin your mind by finding out about Katie Price’s new horse, you can buy Closer magazine for £1 from any newsagents and get your fix.

“If these magazines cost £20 per copy, it would make Katie Price less accessible to society’s most vulnerable fuckwits.”

The Katie Price industry reacted angrily to the report. Price’s agent Cassandra Barr said millions of people enjoyed Katie Price “as part of a regular and enjoyable lunchtime read” and that it is only abused by “a minority of people.”

Price herself was unavailable for comment as she is currently busy in Africa trying to contract malaria.

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