Archive | December, 2010

Elton John gives birth to baby boy

30 Dec
Elton John David Furnish Zachary Jackson John Levon John-Furnish Seleb Spy 2010

Saturday's Alright for Birthin' - Elton John explains the birds and the bees to his gay friends.

ELTON John and her partner David Furnish have announced the birth of their first child, Zachary Jackson Lady Diana Furnish-John ending months of speculation that the legendary singer was pregnant.

The 63 year-old diva gave birth in California on Christmas day to the 7 lb 8 oz bundle of joy, her spokesperson announced yesterday.

Rumours had been circulating since the summer that John was with child after showing the classic tell-tale signs – weight gain, mood swings, and a weak bladder.

Lauren Clark, entertainment editor of the Economist told Seleb Spy:

“For several months I had suspected that Elton was expecting.

“I mean, she had put on weight, was very short-tempered and had a certain glow about her.

“Someone told me she’d just had a session with an overzealous beautician at the spray tan salon. But I knew it was the glow of a pregnant woman.

“Call it female intuition.”

Celebrity friends of the proud parents have been posting messages of congratulations on social networking site Twitter. Academy Award winning actress Liz Hurley wrote:

“Massive congratulations to David and Elton on having their beautiful son. If Elton wants any advice on losing that baby weight she should give me a call.

“I found sticking my fingers down my throat after each meal did the trick.”

David Furnish’s close friend and Strictly Dance Coming star Ann Widdecome wrote:

“It is so wonderful that the baby was born on Christmas Day of all days.

“It is just what Jesus would have wanted.”

Meanwhile a friend of the couple has exclusively revealed to Seleb Spy that leading interior designers have already been enlisted to prepare the new arrival’s nursery.

He said: “Of course the colour scheme will be blue as it’s a boy. No pink or other effeminate colours.

“David and Elton don’t want him to grow up to be some kind of queer.”


Apple gives disappointed users a lump of Cole for Christmas

27 Dec

Lump of Coal Cole iTunes 12 Days of Christmas 2010iPHONE, iPod and iPad users were left distraught yesterday after the iTunes 12 Days of Christmas App gifted them a bundle of shoddy remixes of a shoddy Cheryl Cole song.

Apple users had been looking forward to the start of the 12 Days of Christmas giveaway whereby iTunes offers a free download each day from 26th December until 6th January.

The giveaway is viewed by many as an apology from Apple to its customers for all they have had to put up with throughout the year, such as bloody syncing in shitty iTunes, the iPhone 4 death grip, lack of Flash support, and the general smugness of the company as a whole.

Users were therefore saddened to find that on the first day of Christmas their digital Santa Claus had given them  some dreadful remixes of a dreadful song by a dreadful popstar – the equivalent of a lump a coal.

Disappointed iPhone owner Sally Anderson from Essex wrote on the Apple forums: “I was really looking forward to the start of the iTunes 12 Days of Christmas this year.

“Considering all the money I’ve spent on Apple products and Apps I don’t need, and the hours spent trying to work out how fucking syncing works, Steve Jobs deserved to give me something really special in return.

“So imagine my dismay when I saw the little animation of a Christmas present open on my iPhone screen to reveal Cheryl Cole: Promse This – Christmas Bundle.

“It was like a slap in the face.

“Actually a punch in the face is more fitting in Cheryl’s case.”

Technology experts believe Apple CEO Steve Jobs is still angry with iPhone users for precipitating the media storm over the iPhone 4 reception issues this summer which resulted in the company having to perform an embarrassing u-turn and issue free cases to all affected customers.

Ralph Marcus, technology editor for Woman’s Weekly magazine said: “What we may see over the coming 11 remaining days, is an increasingly insulting free download on offer, culminating on 6th January with a video of Steve Jobs sodomising himself with the elusive white iPhone 4 while he shouts: ‘Look, the reception isn’t dropping!’

“Or something.”

Geraldine Goodmann professor of Theology at the University of Central London said: “It looks like Apple are playing the role of the the original Christian figure of Saint Nicholas, who was said to deliver gifts to good children and lashes of a whip to bad children.

“Although, being lashed by a whip would be preferable to listening to Promise This (Mayday’s Drum & Step Mix).

Katie Price prepares for January husband transfer window

26 Dec
Katie Price New Boyfriend Seleb Spy 2010

Katie Price has already been spotted with a new man on her arm.

TROUT-LIPPED glamour model Katie Price is preparing for the January husband transfer window, the time of the year when vacuous slags ditch their husbands and immediately find a replacement.

Rumours are abound that the model formerly known as Jordan will separate from her husband Alex Reid in January 2011 after recently being spotted at a book signing without her wedding ring.

Price had previously declared her relationship with then boyfriend Reid over in December 2009, but then had a sudden change of heart shortly after the cage fighter won Celebrity Big Brother, marrying him in Las Vegas the following February.

With media interest in her life and relationship with Reid waning, Price is expected to announce that their marriage has come to an end in the New Year in a series of exclusive magazine and tabloid interviews, and in a new book.

According to Mark McPherson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times, the model and Booker prize-winning author is moving into a ‘husband per year’ phase, during which she will marry and divorce each year from 2011 onwards, until her syphilis riddled body packs in and she drops dead in front of ITV2 cameras.

He said: “Five, ten years ago a new celebrity marriage was guaranteed to generate column inches for a few years. Nowadays, you’ve got a year maximum before the media and public lose interest.

“Celebrities like Price who have no talent other than having an unusually expansive vagina rely solely on the fuckwits of society being interested in their irrelevant lives, so the more marriages, divorces, breakups, makeups, pregnancies, births, boob jobs, nose jobs, rim jobs the better.”

Price is also understood to have been left distraught that despite letting Reid blow his muck up her every night for the past year, she is yet to have fallen pregnant.

Price’s close friend, makeup artist Gregory Clarkson exclusively told Seleb Spy: “Katie absolutely adores having kids. In fact she’s obsessed with getting pregnant. Have you seen the film Species?

“I should clarify that she fucking loathes children themselves, but loves the media attention a new baby brings her.”

Price is now understood to be in the market for a 30-something well-endowed C-list celebrity, preferably a footballer or singer, with low self-respect, a submissive personality and high sperm count.

Price herself declined to comment on the rumours, saying only: “It would be inappropriate for me to divulge details about my relationship with Alex at this time.

“You will have to read all about it in my new autobiography Katie Price: Free to Love Again.

“It’s got a lovely picture of me on the front and it’s printed on 100% real paper.

“I think it’s going to be really interesting too, but I’m not sure, because I’ve not read it yet.”

Britain’s most powerful supercomputer unable to make Cheryl Cole sound good on a ballad

25 Dec

SCIENTISTS have admitted defeat in the search for auto-tune technology powerful enough to make Cheryl Cole’s voice sound bearable on a low tempo song.

Cole’s record label JIZM Records had previously managed to hide the fact that the national treasure has the vocal ability of an 80 year-old emphysema sufferer by having her sing up-tempo songs, or just a few lines of ballads while with Girls Aloud.

It is understood that producers were forced to allow the X Factor judge to record her new single The Flood after she demanded to sing a ballad to strengthen her reputation as a credible vocalist.

An insider at JIZM Records told Seleb Spy: “When Cheryl wants something, you don’t say no.

“Unless you want a black eye and an earful of racial abuse.”

The country’s leading audio technology experts at the London Institute of Phonic Technology were enlisted by Cole’s label to polish the vocals on The Flood – her first ballad as a solo artist.

George Hudson of LIPT  said: “We were sent an audio recording of what we initially assumed was a fox being raped by a Great Dane.

“This turned out to be the original recording of Cheryl’s vocals for The Flood.

“We immediately knew we would need a bigger computer.”

The record company hired the University of Hull’s £30 million XVC super computer, the most powerful in the UK, with a processing power equivalent to more than 100,000 home PCs.

The experts installed their state-of-the-art SPIRS Vocal Enhancement 2010  software – the most advanced in the world – on the super computer, producing the most powerful auto-tuning technology known to man.

However after weeks of processing, the Fight for this Lollipop singer’s vocals still sounded like a drunk tramp with lung cancer singing on a bus.

Hudson said: “We pushed the hardware to the limit, the lights in the room even started to flicker as we racked up the power.

“Unfortunately it wasn’t enough and her voice stills sounded shit.

“At the end of the day, you can’t polish a turd.”

Ofcom to closely investigate Christina Aguilera’s arse

21 Dec
Christina Aguilera X Factor Seleb Spy 2010

Christina Aguilera's performance during the X Factor final was deemed to be too raunchy by some

X FACTOR’s raunchy final is to be closely investigated by male Ofcom officials in dimly lit rooms, the media regulator has announced.

The show saw dirrty US star Christina Aguilera perform a suggestive routine with scantily clad dancers, while Rihanna also gave a saucy performance of her single Sniff my Bum during which she stripped off and paraded around the stage in a bikini.

Ofcom received around 2,750 complaints about the pre-watershed scenes and broadcaster ITV had more than 1,000 from concerned parents shocked by the adult nature of the show.

Stunned mother Sally Mitchell from Essex said: “I was flicking through the channels and suddenly saw Christina Aguilera bent over a stool doing what in the animal kingdom would be described as ‘presenting’

“What sort of example is that for my daughters?” Added the obese single mum of four children by different fathers.

Ofcom will now assess whether the show broke section 1.3 of the broadcasting code, which states that “children must be protected from seeing slutty whores having sex with chairs, stools or any other type of seat”.

Male Ofcom officials will closely examine the footage of Aguilera and Rihanna’s performances in a dimly lit room with a box of tissues and some hand lotion.

Ofcom broadcast reviewer Andy Clark said: “I will be focusing on Miss Aguilera’s bottom, and assessing whether it exceeded the acceptable level of eroticism for a pre-watershed broadcast.

“I’m going to examine the footage very closely over and over and over, in slow motion, and freeze-frame, until my conclusions come spilling out onto my report.

“You may think my job sounds pretty easy, but just a couple of weeks ago I had to investigate Anne Widdecombe’s pant-less upskirt shot on Strictly Come Dancing.”

Mariah Carey murders and cannibalises Santa Claus

19 Dec
Mariah Carey Santa Claus Seleb Spy 2010

MURDER SHE SUNG - Mariah Carey is thought to have eaten part of Santa Claus to provide sustenance to her unborn mini-divas.

A heavily pregnant Mariah Carey has killed and partially eaten Santa Claus, ruining Christmas for everyone, Seleb Spy can exclusively reveal.

The shocking incident happened while the 40 year-old singer was on holiday in Lapland with her husband Nick Cannon this weekend.

According to onlookers the couple were watching a reindeer show in which Claus was participating, when Carey suddenly pounced on the 256 year-old bringer of presents, hacked away at him with her stiletto heel and ate part of his heart.

The news comes as the singer releases her new Christmas album Mariah Doesn’t Do Chimneys on which she massacres everyone’s favourite festive songs.

The lead single is a high-energy remix of Auld Lang Syne complete with a groundbreaking high budget video.

According to experts the singer’s diva persona combined with the hormonal imbalance of pregnancy has caused extreme psychotic episodes in recent months.

Doctor Ralph Marcus, an endocrinologist at University College Hospital in London said:

“We all know that women are a bit mental most of the time. And we all know that divas like Mariah Carey are even more insane than the average woman. And we know that women get even more mental when they are pregnant.

“So mix all those factors together and you’ve got yourself a hormonal time bomb with a weak bladder and aching back, primed and waiting to go off.

“I mean why else would someone be so deranged as to record a pop version of Auld Lang Syne?”

Paul Michaels, professor of Women’s studies at Oxford University said it was likely Carey ate part of Santa Claus’s body in order to provide sustenance to her unborn child. He said:

“We have to remember that Carey is now being a bitch for two, so we must be prepared for further outrageous behaviour from this despicable woman.

“What, she’s having twins?! God help us.”

Scotland meanwhile has been shocked by Carey’s abuse of Auld Lang Syne which is based on a poem by the country’s national poet Robert Burns. The Scottish Gazette blasted Carey’s Auld Lang Syne (The New Year’s Anthem) as the greatest crime against Scotland since Cliff Richard’s Millennium Prayer.

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond voiced his anger, today, over Carey’s treatment of the song:

“Have you seen the fucking video? Part of Scotland died the day that travesty was made.”

A record 19 million people didn’t enjoy watching the X Factor final

15 Dec
Watching Paint Dry X Factor 2010 Results Matt Cardle Seleb Spy

Watching paint dry. More interesting than the X Factor final.

SUNDAY’S X Factor final broke the record for the number of viewers watching but not enjoying a television programme.

After enduring 16 weeks of tears, tantrums, fighting, outrageous costumes, bingo wings, prostitute teenagers, prostitute grannies, deportations, voting scandals, and even a bit of singing, an estimated 19 million people tuned in on Sunday to see an unemployed painter-decorator crowned champion, over a Top Shop mannequin and quintet of schoolboys with ADHD.

The Broadcasters Audience Research Board, who monitor television viewing figures, have revealed that only around 10,000 viewers, concentrated in the East Essex area, actually enjoyed watching the show and were not left feeling underwhelmed by the whole experience.

The previous record holder for most-watched-least-enjoyed broadcast was the funeral of Princess Diana in 1997 with an audience of over 32 million people, of which only 49% thoroughly enjoyed watching it.

Underwhelmed X Factor viewer Sally Anderson from London said:

“I watched every show and voted for Matt to win, so was pleased when he did. But still, the whole thing was incredibly dull and a complete waste of my life.

“Was it really necessary to subject us to Robbie Williams’ manic gurning and knobbish stage presence no less than three times?”

Viewers were left further frustrated when the full weekly voting figures were released following the final, revealing that Matt Cardle had received the most votes by a considerable margin every week, meaning the whole thing had been a complete waste of time.

Geoffrey Clark from Hull wrote on the Daily News forums:

“By the third live show it was clear from the voting figures that Matt was going to win.

“The producers could have just crowned him the winner then and filled the remaining Saturday and Sunday slots with repeats of Midsomer Murders and spared us the misery of Elton John and Beatles weeks.

Many viewers were left disappointed by the result itself and took to Twitter and Facebook to vent their anger.

Irate One Direction fan Jamelia Hodge from Berkshire wrote on the X Factor Facebook page:

“OMG so unfair 1D didnt win! They are so the best singers and cutest guys ever and watching them and listening to them sing gives me a fizzy fanny and if you say they arent then u are just jelous and i know they can sing cos they are all my cousins X Factor is so gay.


X Factor winner Matt Cardle’s debut single meanwhile looks set to top the charts this Sunday.

The song – a cover of Scottish band Biffy Clyro’s Many of Horror, renamed When We Collide because the type of people who buy X Factor winners’ songs are unable to handle a song whose title does not appear in the chorus – is being challenged by a group of musicians who have recorded an anti-X Factor protest song consisting of 4 minutes of Pete Doherty farting into a bucket.

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