Mariah Carey murders and cannibalises Santa Claus

19 Dec
Mariah Carey Santa Claus Seleb Spy 2010

MURDER SHE SUNG - Mariah Carey is thought to have eaten part of Santa Claus to provide sustenance to her unborn mini-divas.

A heavily pregnant Mariah Carey has killed and partially eaten Santa Claus, ruining Christmas for everyone, Seleb Spy can exclusively reveal.

The shocking incident happened while the 40 year-old singer was on holiday in Lapland with her husband Nick Cannon this weekend.

According to onlookers the couple were watching a reindeer show in which Claus was participating, when Carey suddenly pounced on the 256 year-old bringer of presents, hacked away at him with her stiletto heel and ate part of his heart.

The news comes as the singer releases her new Christmas album Mariah Doesn’t Do Chimneys on which she massacres everyone’s favourite festive songs.

The lead single is a high-energy remix of Auld Lang Syne complete with a groundbreaking high budget video.

According to experts the singer’s diva persona combined with the hormonal imbalance of pregnancy has caused extreme psychotic episodes in recent months.

Doctor Ralph Marcus, an endocrinologist at University College Hospital in London said:

“We all know that women are a bit mental most of the time. And we all know that divas like Mariah Carey are even more insane than the average woman. And we know that women get even more mental when they are pregnant.

“So mix all those factors together and you’ve got yourself a hormonal time bomb with a weak bladder and aching back, primed and waiting to go off.

“I mean why else would someone be so deranged as to record a pop version of Auld Lang Syne?”

Paul Michaels, professor of Women’s studies at Oxford University said it was likely Carey ate part of Santa Claus’s body in order to provide sustenance to her unborn child. He said:

“We have to remember that Carey is now being a bitch for two, so we must be prepared for further outrageous behaviour from this despicable woman.

“What, she’s having twins?! God help us.”

Scotland meanwhile has been shocked by Carey’s abuse of Auld Lang Syne which is based on a poem by the country’s national poet Robert Burns. The Scottish Gazette blasted Carey’s Auld Lang Syne (The New Year’s Anthem) as the greatest crime against Scotland since Cliff Richard’s Millennium Prayer.

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond voiced his anger, today, over Carey’s treatment of the song:

“Have you seen the fucking video? Part of Scotland died the day that travesty was made.”

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: