Britain’s most powerful supercomputer unable to make Cheryl Cole sound good on a ballad

25 Dec

SCIENTISTS have admitted defeat in the search for auto-tune technology powerful enough to make Cheryl Cole’s voice sound bearable on a low tempo song.

Cole’s record label JIZM Records had previously managed to hide the fact that the national treasure has the vocal ability of an 80 year-old emphysema sufferer by having her sing up-tempo songs, or just a few lines of ballads while with Girls Aloud.

It is understood that producers were forced to allow the X Factor judge to record her new single The Flood after she demanded to sing a ballad to strengthen her reputation as a credible vocalist.

An insider at JIZM Records told Seleb Spy: “When Cheryl wants something, you don’t say no.

“Unless you want a black eye and an earful of racial abuse.”

The country’s leading audio technology experts at the London Institute of Phonic Technology were enlisted by Cole’s label to polish the vocals on The Flood – her first ballad as a solo artist.

George Hudson of LIPT  said: “We were sent an audio recording of what we initially assumed was a fox being raped by a Great Dane.

“This turned out to be the original recording of Cheryl’s vocals for The Flood.

“We immediately knew we would need a bigger computer.”

The record company hired the University of Hull’s £30 million XVC super computer, the most powerful in the UK, with a processing power equivalent to more than 100,000 home PCs.

The experts installed their state-of-the-art SPIRS Vocal Enhancement 2010  software – the most advanced in the world – on the super computer, producing the most powerful auto-tuning technology known to man.

However after weeks of processing, the Fight for this Lollipop singer’s vocals still sounded like a drunk tramp with lung cancer singing on a bus.

Hudson said: “We pushed the hardware to the limit, the lights in the room even started to flicker as we racked up the power.

“Unfortunately it wasn’t enough and her voice stills sounded shit.

“At the end of the day, you can’t polish a turd.”

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