Apple gives disappointed users a lump of Cole for Christmas

27 Dec

Lump of Coal Cole iTunes 12 Days of Christmas 2010iPHONE, iPod and iPad users were left distraught yesterday after the iTunes 12 Days of Christmas App gifted them a bundle of shoddy remixes of a shoddy Cheryl Cole song.

Apple users had been looking forward to the start of the 12 Days of Christmas giveaway whereby iTunes offers a free download each day from 26th December until 6th January.

The giveaway is viewed by many as an apology from Apple to its customers for all they have had to put up with throughout the year, such as bloody syncing in shitty iTunes, the iPhone 4 death grip, lack of Flash support, and the general smugness of the company as a whole.

Users were therefore saddened to find that on the first day of Christmas their digital Santa Claus had given them  some dreadful remixes of a dreadful song by a dreadful popstar – the equivalent of a lump a coal.

Disappointed iPhone owner Sally Anderson from Essex wrote on the Apple forums: “I was really looking forward to the start of the iTunes 12 Days of Christmas this year.

“Considering all the money I’ve spent on Apple products and Apps I don’t need, and the hours spent trying to work out how fucking syncing works, Steve Jobs deserved to give me something really special in return.

“So imagine my dismay when I saw the little animation of a Christmas present open on my iPhone screen to reveal Cheryl Cole: Promse This – Christmas Bundle.

“It was like a slap in the face.

“Actually a punch in the face is more fitting in Cheryl’s case.”

Technology experts believe Apple CEO Steve Jobs is still angry with iPhone users for precipitating the media storm over the iPhone 4 reception issues this summer which resulted in the company having to perform an embarrassing u-turn and issue free cases to all affected customers.

Ralph Marcus, technology editor for Woman’s Weekly magazine said: “What we may see over the coming 11 remaining days, is an increasingly insulting free download on offer, culminating on 6th January with a video of Steve Jobs sodomising himself with the elusive white iPhone 4 while he shouts: ‘Look, the reception isn’t dropping!’

“Or something.”

Geraldine Goodmann professor of Theology at the University of Central London said: “It looks like Apple are playing the role of the the original Christian figure of Saint Nicholas, who was said to deliver gifts to good children and lashes of a whip to bad children.

“Although, being lashed by a whip would be preferable to listening to Promise This (Mayday’s Drum & Step Mix).

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