Mystic Meg: “Oh, fuck it, it’s all a load of bollocks anyway.”

17 Jan

Mystic Meg, new signs of zodiac, Seleb Spy 2011, selebspy.comBRITAIN’S leading astrologer, Mystic Meg, has shocked the country by announcing that horoscopes are completely meaningless and a total waste of time, after it was discovered that everyone’s star sign has been wrong all along.

A Minneapolis astronomy professor, Parke Kunkle, suggested this week that the zodiac system is inaccurate as it is based on “2,000-year-old information”.

He said the Earth’s changing orbit means it is no longer aligned to the stars in the same way as when the signs of the zodiac were first conceived.

If adjusted to the current alignment most people’s “real” star signs shift back one month, for example a Leo (dominant and creative) may now be Cancer (moody and sensitive). A thirteenth sign, Ophiuchus – a half man, half beaver creature – has also been introduced.

Astrologers have been inundated with calls and emails from clients concerned that they have essentially been living a lie their whole lives.

Avid astrology follower Kelly Clamp from Hull told Seleb Spy: “I read my horoscope every day and call those premium rate astrology lines a lot.

“I had wondered why absolutely nothing they predicted had come true before, like the tall, dark, handsome stranger, dream job, huge house and mountains of cash.

“I was starting to think that it was because I am a morbidly obese munter with no ambition, skills or qualifications.

“Now I know that it was because I was checking the wrong star sign all along!”

For many people, the adjustments to the signs of the zodiac will have life-changing consequences.

Distraught Sally Anderson from Essex wrote on the Sun forums: “I thought I was Capricorn my whole life and now I’ve found out I’m really Sagittarius.

“How am I supposed to behave now, considering my star sign dictates my personality?

“I am very happily married with three children, but my husband is a Virgo, and Virgos are not compatible with Sagittarians.

“I’m going to have to divorce him now.

“Or just kill myself.”

The Sun’s resident astrologer, Mystic Meg, who is a registered member of the British Association of Charlatans, shocked readers, yesterday, by claiming that professor Kunkle’s claims are irrelevant as astrology is a complete load of bollocks that was cooked up thousands of years ago when they believed the world was flat and that it was fine to get married to your own 11-year-old daughter.

She wrote in her column in yesterday’s Sun: “Cancer, Uranus is rising which will bring luck in the workplace … actually I mean Gemini. Or maybe it’s Leo.

“Oh fuck it, do you idiots really think that the alignment of the stars and planets is really going to help you get that promotion you are going for? The one that your boss is going to end up giving to that tidy blonde piece from HR because she gave him a tit wank in the disabled toilets during her lunch-break?

“Pisces will be celebrating too.”

The Church of England welcomed Meg’s comments, as astrology is viewed as a form of witchcraft by the Christian faith.

The bishop of London, Michael Clarke, said: “I am glad that people are starting to wake up and see that astrology is just a load of mumbo-jumbo.

“I mean what kind of morons base their lives around some made up stuff that was written thousands of years ago with no evidence to support its validity?

“Oh shit.”

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