Archive | February, 2011

Colonel Gaddafi hires Cheryl Cole’s PR company to improve his image

25 Feb

Colonel Gadaffi, Libya, Kerry Katona, Cheryl Cole, Seleb Spy 2011, Selebspy.com

EMBATTLED Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi has enlisted the PR company of British singer Cheryl Cole to improve his tarnished reputation as his regime’s grip on power weakens.

The 68-year-old has ruled the North African country with an iron fist for 42 years following a coup in 1969, however the huge protests of the last fortnight have seen all but the capital fall into the hands of opposition forces.

Seleb Spy has now learnt that Gaddafi has hired SuperDynamic, the PR company that transformed Cheryl Cole from a violent, racist chav with questionable vocal abilities into a national treasure and pop superstar with questionable vocal abilities.

Andrew Clark, entertainment editor of the Financial Times, said that SuperDynamic was widely regarded as one of the best PR companies in the world, capable of turning around the careers of even the most loathed figures.

“I mean, just a few years ago who would have imagined that Alan and Maxine Carr’s Celebrity Chinwag would become the most watched show on British television?” he added.

Earlier this week Colonel Gaddafi sought to ingratiate himself with Libya’s youth by making a bizarre Lady Gaga-inspired television appearance from the back of a car, holding an umbrella and wearing a hat with ear-flaps.

He said: “The protesters are rats! All my Little Monsters, you are so beautiful, you should grab any heavy object you can find and go out onto the streets and smash those fucking protesters’ heads in until their limp bodies are twitching on the ground.

“Paws up!”

SuperDynamic founder and PR guru Sally Anderson told Seleb Spy: “Colonel Gaddafi – or Colonel G Man as he would now prefer to be known – knows that he has made some mistakes.

“Like the Lockerbie bombing and ordering the army to launch air attacks on his own country’s civilian population.

“But who hasn’t done that? He’s only human after all, we all make mistakes sometimes.”

It is expected that the eccentric despot will make a series of high-profile public appearances at events around the world in the coming days, including the Oscars, and also do several magazine features.

Rumours are also circulating that Gaddafi is set to pip Cheryl Cole to the post and take one of the coveted seats on the American X Factor judging panel this autumn.

Anderson said: “Colonel G Man would be ideal for the US X Factor role. He would bring constructive criticism, the wisdom of age and botoxed glamour to the table. He’s like Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue all rolled into one.

“Also, Colonel G Man is a Bedouin – a nomadic people who traditionally live in tents. So we’re going to try to get him on the next series of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding as well.”

SuperDynamic were not concerned about signing up such a controversial figure and were delighted that the troubled leader chose to approach them, she said.

“Colonel Gaddafi may be a tyrannical dictator who has been accused of killing and torturing thousands, and of having amassed a huge multi-billion dollar fortune while the majority of his country lived in abject poverty.

“But he has never been accused of racially abusing a nightclub toilet attendant just because she wouldn’t give him a Chupa Chup.”

The company has nevertheless been heavily criticised for associating with Gaddafi, whom the international community are threatening to charge with war crimes for his bloody crack-down on the Libyan protests, and his dreadful dress sense.

British prime minister David Cameron said this morning: “I think it is appalling that SuperDynamic PR would choose to work with such a morally bankrupt and despicable person, who has caused such unimaginable suffering.

“I mean, did you see that poor toilet attendant’s black eye?”

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BBC accused of deceiving viewers after Doctor Who revealed to be staged

22 Feb
Doctor Who, BBC, Seleb Spy, Matt Smith, Karen Gillan, SelebSpy.com

The BBC has come under fire after Doctor Who stars were spotted with scripts, prompting allegations that scenes in the show are staged.

THE BBC has been accused of deceiving viewers after scenes in popular show Doctor Who were allegedly faked.

Viewers are given the impression that they are seeing a fly on the wall documentary about a mysterious and eccentric Time Lord who travels through time and space in a police call box, battling a range of aliens and monsters along the way.

However it has been learnt that scenes in the award-winning programme are in fact staged and feature paid actors, special effects and scripted dialogue.

An insider at the BBC has exclusively revealed to Seleb Spy the true extent of the deception:

  • Rather than taking place on exotic foreign planets, all the action is actually filmed in locations as exciting as the Coal Exchange in Cardiff and a disused quarry.
  • The Doctor’s most popular companion, Rose Tyler, did not disappear into a parallel universe, forever longing for her lost love – She went on to appear in another programme where she felates men for cash.
  • Airbrushing was used to hide Catherine Tate’s unsightly dowdy beard. (The BBC claim they were forced to do this to comply with watershed guidelines on feminine facial hair).

Outraged viewers have blasted the BBC for misleading them and using fakery to add entertainment value to the show and boost ratings.

Doctor Who fan, Sally Anderson from Hull, wrote on the Daily News forums: “I have lost all faith in the BBC! The amount of energy we viewers spend evading paying our Licence fees and this is how they repay us?!

“At least we’ve still got that documentary about the residents of East London to enjoy.”

President of the Clean Up our Nation’s Television campaign, Andrew Clark, said that it was time BBC bosses were held accountable for deceiving their audience.

He added: “Surely the biggest deception here is the fact that the BBC has managed to pass off Doctor Who as Saturday prime-time viewing for adults when actually it’s just a CBBC programme they’ve thrown a load of money at, and would be better suited to the time slot between Tracy Beaker and Blue Peter.”

Fans of Doctor Who spin-off Torchwood can breathe a sigh of relief, however, as the BBC has assured viewers that the programme is 100% real.

Head of BBC Three, Sally Anderson, said: “John Barrowman really is a loud, crass, raving, cum-thirsty homosexual.”

Video of your Aunt Sally singing ‘Hold it Against Me’ becomes Internet hit

20 Feb
Britney Spears, Hold it Against Me, Seleb Spy, 2011, SelebSpy.com, Sherlock Cole

If I said I want your penis now, would you hold it against me? Your Aunt Sally trying on New Look's Spring collection.

THAT video of your Aunt Sally singing Britney Spear’s new single Hold it Against Me has been posted online and gone viral, it has been learnt.

The clip was understood to have been recorded in the fitting rooms of New Look in Hull, when your Aunt Sally, 42, and her coworkers were on a drunken shopping spree after being kicked out of the Wetherspoons for being too rowdy.

A New Look shop assistant who witnessed the incident told Seleb Spy: “It was 8 o’clock on Friday evening and we were about to close when this group of completely drunk women and gay men came rushing in singing ‘We’re going shopping, you better bring along the bank, we’re gonna break it!’

“The ringleader, a chunky blonde woman in her forties who I gathered was called Sally, was trying on loads of clothes in sizes far too small for her, and dancing around the fitting rooms singing along to the in-store radio.

“When Hold it Against Me came on, they got very excited and started squealing like a bunch of schoolgirls.

“They then performed a ridiculous drunken dance routine while one of them filmed it on their iPhone.

“At one point two of the ladies had a cat fight over who was going to get the last pair of size 16 distressed denim hotpants.”

The footage was later edited together and posted on YouTube by an anonymous source, but your Aunt Sally is pretty sure it was that fat bitch Brenda from HR who did it in revenge for the Alli diet pills Sally gave her as a secret Santa gift at Christmas.

Since being uploaded on Friday the video has gone viral and has attracted over a million views from all over the world, with hundreds of comments posted. ‘GAC1986’ commented on YouTube: “She dances really well. For a drunk 42-year-old.

“But I still would, you know, ‘hold it against her.’

“My cock against her thigh, that is.”

Britney Spears fans meanwhile are still waiting for the real video for Hold it Against Me to arrive. One fan wrote: “This video is OK, but I’m looking forward to the real version that doesn’t have a fat woman in her forties who can’t dance in it.”

Food scare as eggs contaminated by pop star

17 Feb

Lady Gaga, Born This Way, Grammies, Grammy Awards, Seleb Spy 2011, SelebSpy.com

BRITAIN is on alert today after it emerged that eggs contaminated by bat-shit crazy singer Lady Gaga may have entered the food chain.

The scare was sparked by the eccentric American star’s performance of her new single It Doesn’t Matter If You’re Fat and Gay at Sunday’s Grammy Awards ceremony, after she arrived at the venue and entered the stage inside a giant egg.

It has since emerged that the 24-year-old singer – real name Stefani Germanotta – had visited several egg farms in the US in preparation for the performance “for inspiration”, and inadvertently contaminated their production lines.

Last week the star tweeted to her legions of fans: “At the egg farm today, Little Monsters. It’s so inspiring. Some of the eggs are white, some of the eggs are brown, some are big, some are small. But they were all born this way.

“Paws up.”

Tests conducted by the Food Standards Agency on imported American eggs have since found traces of contamination in a large number of batches, prompting fears that tainted produce has entered the food chain in Britain. A spokesman said that among the contaminants found were glitter, fake eyelash glue, cocaine and human tears.

“We found foreign substances in an alarming number of batches of eggs tested. The only conclusion we can draw is that a self-important pop star with mental health issues has been interfering with chickens and eggs at several egg farms in the North East United States.

“We could be looking at the most serious food scare this country has seen since Kerry Katona’s ill-fated frozen meals range hospitalised fifty and left three children dead.”

British supermarkets are now clearing their shelves of cakes, sponges and quiches produced with contaminated American eggs amid fears of a widespread outbreak of Gaga-related food poisoning. However, authorities have been accused of being too slow to react to the scare and of putting public health at risk.

Local trading standards offices have been inundated with calls and emails from concerned members of the public complaining of exposure to contaminated eggs and egg-containing products.

Sally Anderson, a 68-year-old retired dinner lady from Hull, said: “I was cracking an egg into my frying pan when I noticed a small brown seed thing in the white.

“I didn’t know what it was at first, but now I am pretty sure it must have been a miniature version of one of those Alexander McQueen Armadillo shoes.

“Edwina Currie was right about eggs all along.”

Mother-of-two Kelly Shaw from Essex similarly suspects that her family has been exposed to tainted eggs. She told Seleb Spy:

“Me and the kids had boiled eggs the other day and they tasted a bit funny. My husband thinks it was because they were a week past their ‘best before’ date, but I’m convinced that it was because Lady Gaga and her poofter dancers had had their filthy gay hands all over them.

“And another thing – she might try to tell my kids that it doesn’t matter if they grow up to be a pair of queers, and that they should still love themselves no matter what.

“But they know that I’ll beat the living shit out of them if I catch them so much as humming a song from Wicked.”

EU forces Ireland to humiliate itself at Eurovision

15 Feb
Jedward, John and Edward Grimes, Eurovision 2011, Düsseldorf, Germany, Angela Merkel, Seleb Spy 2011, SelebSpy.com

John & Edward had initially declined to represent their country at Eurovision, but for reasons that remain unclear, had a sudden change of heart .

IRELAND has been forced by the European Union to select irritating X Factor twins Jedward as its representative for this year’s Eurovision song contest, as punishment for having its economy bailed out.

The initiative, led by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, is aimed at discouraging other states from seeing the stronger economies of the EU as a safety net to rescue them when they spend all their money on building stadiums for pointless international sporting events rather than making sure they have enough money pay salaries and pensions.

Merkel said: “Basically, we Germans are getting a bit pissed off at having to constantly give money to countries run by people who don’t seem to understand the simple concept that it’s not a good idea to spend more money than you have.

“And maybe if those bloody Spaniards didn’t sleep so much during the day and actually did some work they wouldn’t be on the brink of financial ruin.

“We need to make an example of the countries whose economies have been bailed out by the EU, in order to discourage other states from seeing it as an easy way out.”

This year’s Eurovision song contest was chosen as an appropriate setting for Ireland’s humiliation, as it will be held in the German city of Düsseldorf, and the Irish are famed for their love of music and success at the competition.

Seleb Spy has learnt that not only has the EU forced Ireland to send the odious twins – real names John and Edward Grimes – to Düsseldorf, but it has also dictated the staging, choreography and wardrobe of their performance.

According to an insider at Eurovision organisers the European Broadcasting Union, the twins will sing while performing a traditional Irish dance, dressed as leprechauns. The audience will be encouraged to pelt them with potatoes and coins, as a representation of the EU’s bail-out of the Irish economy.

The EU has similarly forced Greece, which also received emergency financial assistance, to be represented by a fat man who will spend the three-minute performance smashing plates and shouting ‘Opa!’ while in the background a young man dressed as a waiter fingers a drunken middle-aged British tourist called Pam.

Irish national broadcaster RTÉ confirmed, today, that it would be sending Jedward to Eurovision as a result of “external pressure”, sparking outrage across the country.

Sally O’Neil, entertainment editor of the Irish Financial Times, blasted the decision as “the worst thing to happen to Ireland since the potato famine.”

Meanwhile, Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams said: “I think Eurovision night will be the first time that the entire population of Northern Ireland will be unanimously happy that they are citizens of the United Kingdom, myself included.

“Sorry, Blue, you say?!

“Maybe not, then.”

Liz Hurley and Shane Warne romp on Twitter

10 Feb

Elizabeth Hurley, Liz Hurley, Shane Warne, Twitter, Seleb Spy 2011, SelebSpy.com

ACADEMY Award nominated actress Liz Hurley and cricketer Shane Warne have tweeted a running commentary of their first mucky sex session together in Australia.

The celebrity pair, who have been flirting over the social networking site for months, have taken their saucy online exchanges to the extreme, becoming the first couple to have real sex while communicating to each other only by using Twitter.

The couple made love in Warne’s Sydney bachelor pad without speaking to each other or making any noises, only expressing their pleasure or giving instructions using Twitter on their iPhones.

Followers of the two stars noticed their usual flirty tweets rapidly become more and more frequent and explicit as it became apparent that Warne was actually balls deep in Hurley at that very moment.

Twitter user Sally Anderson from Essex, who follows both Warne and Hurley, told Seleb Spy: “I was watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding on TV, and tweeting a string of abusive, racist comments about those pikey scumbags, when I noticed Shane Warne and Liz Hurley posting very sexy comments to each other.

“When I saw Liz Hurley post ‘I am going down on @ShaneWarne’ I realised they were actually at it!

“I must admit, I came over all wet and flustered.”

Millions of Twitter users then witnessed the following shocking exchange between the couple:

ElizabethHurley:    Ooh yeh fuck me, @ShaneWarne!

ShaneWarne:           Does @ElizabethHurley like that?

ElizabethHurley:    Oh yeh, ElizabethHurley loves it!

ShaneWarne:           Who’s @ElizabethHurley‘s daddy?! Who’s @ElizabethHurley‘s daddy?!

ElizabethHurley:    @SHANEWARNE ! @SHANEWARNE !

ShaneWarne:           I’m gonna to cum all over @ElizabethHurley’s Twitter!

The tweets ended abruptly with Hurley posting:

@ShaneWarne already?”

Critics have suggested that the pair’s Twitter relationship is a thinly veiled PR stunt aimed at boosting Hurley’s profile and restarting her stalled career.

Hurley’s spokesperson has rejected the claims, blasting them as “absolute nonsense”.

He told Seleb Spy: “Liz is very content with her life at the moment – she has her organic farm, and she always has her critically acclaimed acting career to fall back on.

“Did you see her fine performance in Vajazzled with Brendan Fraser?”

“Sorry, I meant Bedazzled.”

Tabloid press reminds British public that Gypsies are scum

8 Feb
My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, Channel 4, Seleb Spy 2011, SelebSpy.com

The News on Sunday warns that traveller communities are flooding the market with poor quality pegs, and poorer quality women.

THE tabloid press has launched a coordinated attack on traveller communities after becoming concerned about the popularity of Channel 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

The series, which airs on Tuesday evenings, has proven to be a runaway success, with millions of viewers tuning in each week to witness the traveller girls’ enormous, tacky dresses and laugh at their funny little Irish accents.

However the tabloids have been alarmed by an apparent shift in society’s attitude towards the much-maligned Gypsy community as a result of the programme.

A survey by the UK Statistics Bureau conducted last week found that only 71% of respondents would classify Gypsies as ‘vermin’, down from 93% in 2010.

Geraldine Clarkson, a retired school teacher from Bedfordshire, told Seleb Spy: “We have an Irish traveller caravan site near our village. I used to think they were all pikey scum who wanted to steal the lead off my roof.

“But now after watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, I have a better understanding of their culture and traditions, and can see that they basically share the same core values as I do, of family, and community.

“Although I still think they let their young girls dress like dirty little whores.”

Several newspapers responded today by running a pointless front page story about a large Irish traveller family who live in a £1.2 million council-funded house in an affluent area of North London and who, according to neighbours, have been a bit noisy and messy, in order to remind their readers that they should maintain a patriotic level of hatred towards tinkers.

And Muslims, gays, blacks, working mothers, career women, feminists, lesbians, liberals, Germans, the French, and Lady Gaga.

Sally Anderson, deputy editor of the News on Sunday, told Seleb Spy: “Forget the historic protests in Egypt that threaten to destabilise the whole region and lead to one of the largest countries in the Arab world being taken over by Islamists.

“The most newsworthy story at the moment is about a neighbourly dispute that in no way affects anyone other than the few people who happen to live on that street.

“The point is that everyone must remember that travellers are disgusting scum who will poorly tarmac your driveway, steal and eat your cat and erect a shanty town of caravans on your front lawn given the chance.”

Shirley McPhannie, leader of the North London Traveller Community Centre, told Seleb Spy: “I am unable to comment on the story running in some of today’s papers about the traveller family living in Muswell Hill.

“Because I can’t read.”

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