EU forces Ireland to humiliate itself at Eurovision

15 Feb
Jedward, John and Edward Grimes, Eurovision 2011, Düsseldorf, Germany, Angela Merkel, Seleb Spy 2011,

John & Edward had initially declined to represent their country at Eurovision, but for reasons that remain unclear, had a sudden change of heart .

IRELAND has been forced by the European Union to select irritating X Factor twins Jedward as its representative for this year’s Eurovision song contest, as punishment for having its economy bailed out.

The initiative, led by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, is aimed at discouraging other states from seeing the stronger economies of the EU as a safety net to rescue them when they spend all their money on building stadiums for pointless international sporting events rather than making sure they have enough money pay salaries and pensions.

Merkel said: “Basically, we Germans are getting a bit pissed off at having to constantly give money to countries run by people who don’t seem to understand the simple concept that it’s not a good idea to spend more money than you have.

“And maybe if those bloody Spaniards didn’t sleep so much during the day and actually did some work they wouldn’t be on the brink of financial ruin.

“We need to make an example of the countries whose economies have been bailed out by the EU, in order to discourage other states from seeing it as an easy way out.”

This year’s Eurovision song contest was chosen as an appropriate setting for Ireland’s humiliation, as it will be held in the German city of Düsseldorf, and the Irish are famed for their love of music and success at the competition.

Seleb Spy has learnt that not only has the EU forced Ireland to send the odious twins – real names John and Edward Grimes – to Düsseldorf, but it has also dictated the staging, choreography and wardrobe of their performance.

According to an insider at Eurovision organisers the European Broadcasting Union, the twins will sing while performing a traditional Irish dance, dressed as leprechauns. The audience will be encouraged to pelt them with potatoes and coins, as a representation of the EU’s bail-out of the Irish economy.

The EU has similarly forced Greece, which also received emergency financial assistance, to be represented by a fat man who will spend the three-minute performance smashing plates and shouting ‘Opa!’ while in the background a young man dressed as a waiter fingers a drunken middle-aged British tourist called Pam.

Irish national broadcaster RTÉ confirmed, today, that it would be sending Jedward to Eurovision as a result of “external pressure”, sparking outrage across the country.

Sally O’Neil, entertainment editor of the Irish Financial Times, blasted the decision as “the worst thing to happen to Ireland since the potato famine.”

Meanwhile, Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams said: “I think Eurovision night will be the first time that the entire population of Northern Ireland will be unanimously happy that they are citizens of the United Kingdom, myself included.

“Sorry, Blue, you say?!

“Maybe not, then.”

%d bloggers like this: