BRITAIN is on alert today after it emerged that eggs contaminated by bat-shit crazy singer Lady Gaga may have entered the food chain.
The scare was sparked by the eccentric American star’s performance of her new single It Doesn’t Matter If You’re Fat and Gay at Sunday’s Grammy Awards ceremony, after she arrived at the venue and entered the stage inside a giant egg.
It has since emerged that the 24-year-old singer – real name Stefani Germanotta – had visited several egg farms in the US in preparation for the performance “for inspiration”, and inadvertently contaminated their production lines.
Last week the star tweeted to her legions of fans: “At the egg farm today, Little Monsters. It’s so inspiring. Some of the eggs are white, some of the eggs are brown, some are big, some are small. But they were all born this way.
Tests conducted by the Food Standards Agency on imported American eggs have since found traces of contamination in a large number of batches, prompting fears that tainted produce has entered the food chain in Britain. A spokesman said that among the contaminants found were glitter, fake eyelash glue, cocaine and human tears.
“We found foreign substances in an alarming number of batches of eggs tested. The only conclusion we can draw is that a self-important pop star with mental health issues has been interfering with chickens and eggs at several egg farms in the North East United States.
“We could be looking at the most serious food scare this country has seen since Kerry Katona’s ill-fated frozen meals range hospitalised fifty and left three children dead.”
British supermarkets are now clearing their shelves of cakes, sponges and quiches produced with contaminated American eggs amid fears of a widespread outbreak of Gaga-related food poisoning. However, authorities have been accused of being too slow to react to the scare and of putting public health at risk.
Local trading standards offices have been inundated with calls and emails from concerned members of the public complaining of exposure to contaminated eggs and egg-containing products.
Sally Anderson, a 68-year-old retired dinner lady from Hull, said: “I was cracking an egg into my frying pan when I noticed a small brown seed thing in the white.
“I didn’t know what it was at first, but now I am pretty sure it must have been a miniature version of one of those Alexander McQueen Armadillo shoes.
“Edwina Currie was right about eggs all along.”
Mother-of-two Kelly Shaw from Essex similarly suspects that her family has been exposed to tainted eggs. She told Seleb Spy:
“Me and the kids had boiled eggs the other day and they tasted a bit funny. My husband thinks it was because they were a week past their ‘best before’ date, but I’m convinced that it was because Lady Gaga and her poofter dancers had had their filthy gay hands all over them.
“And another thing – she might try to tell my kids that it doesn’t matter if they grow up to be a pair of queers, and that they should still love themselves no matter what.
“But they know that I’ll beat the living shit out of them if I catch them so much as humming a song from Wicked.”