Archive | March, 2011

Amy Childs to Vajazzle Kate Middleton for Royal Wedding

29 Mar

Kate Middleton, Prince William, Royal Wedding, Amy Childs, Vajazzle, The Only Way is Essex, ITV, Seleb Spy, 2011, SelebSpy.com

The Only Way is Essex star Amy Childs has been enlisted by Clarence House to ‘vajazzle’ Kate Middleton for the Royal Wedding, it has been announced.

The glamour model and beautician is credited for bringing the Vajazzle trend – which involves glueing small ‘crystals’ to a lady’s bikini area – to the UK through her use of the procedure on the ITV2 hit reality show.

The royal bride-to-be is reported to be an avid viewer of The Only Way is Essex and developed an interest in the saucy fashion craze after seeing it on the show.

The BBC’s royal correspondent Peter Hunt said: “Amy Childs and her Only Way is Essex co-stars were out at trendy Mayfair nightclub Whiskey Mist at the same time Kate Middleton was there with her friends.

“Kate approached Amy to say how much of a fan of the show she was and mentioned that she secretly would love to get ‘vajazzled’ as a surprise for Prince William.”

A close friend of the couple told Seleb Spy: “Of course, William is yet to see Kate’s English rose, despite having been courting for some ten years he will only be granted that privilege on their wedding night.

“And what a delightful surprise he will get when he sees a charming gem stone decoration in the design of a Union Flag, Big Ben, or something else suitably patriotic.

“Like the White Cliffs of Dover.”

Clarence House confirmed, today, that Childs had accepted its invitation to embellish the royal quim in time for the highly anticipated wedding ceremony on 29th April.

A Clarence House spokesperson said: “Kate is just an ordinary girl like any other. And ordinary girls at the moment are adorning their intimate areas with jewels to provide a pleasant diversion for their male companions.

“I’m sure Princess Diana would have approved. In fact, if she’d have been alive today I’m sure she would have been ‘vajazzled’ herself by now.”

Childs, 20, from Chigwell said she was honoured to have been appointed by the future Queen and that nothing would give her greater pleasure than glueing small pieces of coloured glass to her tuppence.

She added: “It’s quite easy once you get the hang of it – the key is to make sure the crystals are securely fixed to the skin. The last thing you want is any of them coming loose.

“No man wants an errant Vajazzle crystal in his jap’s eye.”

Katie Price launches iJordan app

15 Mar

Katie Price, Jordan, iPhone, Ipad, Apple, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011

BRITAIN’S best-selling author Katie Price launched an app for the iPad and iPhone this morning, in an attempt to cash in on the lucrative mobile technology market.

The iJordan app went on sale in the iTunes App Store today priced at £1.99, with all proceedings going to the glamour model’s favourite charity, the Katie Price Foundation for Katie Price.

The innovative app is packed with exciting features that will appeal to fans and casual admirers of the star alike, and has already shot into the top 10 of the App Store chart.

iJordan includes a map that pin-points Price’s exact location day and night, exclusive photos, news and gossip directly from the star, lifestyle tips, a sing-along version of her smash hit single Free to Love Again and much more.

In addition, the iPad version of the app allows users to download exclusive audio versions of Price’s Booker Prize-winning works, read by the author herself, including her latest book The Royal Wedding Night – an erotic novel based on Prince William and Kate Middleton’s nuptials.

Prince Harry hires Price as a stripper for his brother’s stag night, but the groom-to-be and model end up romping on the lawn of Windsor Castle while Sarah Ferguson films it on her iPhone to sell to the press to clear her debts.

Price told Seleb Spy she was very excited to be taking her first steps into the mobile software market and that behind the makeup and fake tan there was a computer geek bursting to get out.

She added: “I love technology; I’m always browsing the Internet on the go on my iPhone and iPad, checking to see how many column pixels I am getting in the press.

“Do you see what I did there? Because the expression is ‘column inches’ but I said ‘column pixels’ because it’s on a computer.

“Yes.”

Katie Price fan Sally Anderson from Hull bought the iJordan app as soon as it went on sale this morning and said she was very impressed and has recommended it to all her friends. She told Seleb Spy: “Oh em gee, this app is, like, totally amaze. I can keep up with the Pricey no matter where I am.

“I especially love Katie’s fashion advice. I tried her ‘sexy office diva’ look today, and her ‘flirt your way to the top’ career tips. I flirted shamelessly with my boss all day, sucking my pen seductively, bending over slowly to pick up the papers I ‘accidentally’ dropped.

“I think it worked! He wants to have an urgent meeting with me and HR tomorrow to discuss my position at the company. I think they are going to give me a promotion!

The App is not just aimed at women, however, Price claimed, highlighting features such as ‘Katie’s wank bank’ – daily sexy pictures of the star for men to enjoy – and ‘Katie’s lesbian fantasies’ – short sexy stories about Price with other hot female celebrities such as Kelly Brook, Abbey Clancy, and Linda Lusardi.

“The ideal thing about the iPhone and iPad, is that they are wipe clean.” Price added.

Kevin Pieman, a 32 year-old driver of a dirty white Ford Transit van, downloaded the iJordan app this morning and has been furiously masturbating on the hard shoulder of the M62 ever since.

He wrote on the Daily News forums: “Phwoar, Jordan is bang tidy, I’d finger her scratch-resistant TFT LCD any day.”

Michael Clarke, managing director of MegaSoft, the software company that developed the app, said it was an honour to work with such a high-profile client:

iJordan is an app that everyone can enjoy, because everyone loves Jordan.

“Apart from the 90% of the population who fucking loathe the narcissistic bitch.”

Download the iJordan app from the Apple store here.

My Family no longer the worst thing on the BBC

9 Mar
Mrs Brown's Boys, Seleb Spy 2011, BBC, My Family

Peter Stringfellow makes a cameo in BBC One's Mrs Brown's Boys. (Picture courtesty of Raidió Teilifaeces Éireann)

THE writers of long-running shitcom My Family have learnt that their show is no longer the worst thing on the BBC.

The alleged comedy had been universally considered the most tedious, unwatchable programme on the BBC since its first series in 2000. However results of a recent survey conducted by the online polling website Interpol have revealed that My Family has been surpassed in dreadfulness by lousy newcomer Mrs Brown’s Boys.

The programme, which has been running in its native Ireland for several years, made its debut on BBC One last month and was met with overwhelming disdain from both critics and viewers.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times said: “I knew Irish TV was shit, ever since I saw Potato or No Potato on RTÉ while staying at the Premier Inn in Dublin for my sister’s hen weekend.

“The player has to choose one of 22 numbered red boxes. If the box they choose contains a potato, they win the potato.

“If the box does not contain a potato, they don’t win a potato.”

Mrs Brown’s Boys centres around a foul-mouthed matriarch – who is played by a man in drag – and her brood of adult children. The actors frequently break the fourth wall, corpse, and forget their lines, all of which is left in the final edit to make the whole show appear as shoddy as possible and as if everyone involved just can’t be arsed with it, because it’s a load of bollocks anyway.

Anderson added: “It’s basically David Walliams’ rubbish transvestite meets Catherine Tate’s Nan meets Miranda, but with the humour of Dick and Dom on an off day.”

My Family writer Max Carr told Seleb Spy that he was devastated to learn he was no longer responsible for the worst programme on the Beeb. He said: “When we started writing My Family ten years ago, we really put our heart and soul into making it as shit as humanly possible.

“We put in those endless scenes of Ben and Susan talking in bed just to make you unintentionally imagine Robert Lindsay sticking his Hornblower in Zoë Wanamaker’s baby-maker.

“But you know, as time goes by and year after year you are voted the worst thing on TV, you get complacent, and think you don’t have to try as hard.

“The next thing you know, you’re overtaken by some Irish tranny who makes Jim Davidson look like a cutting-edge comedian.”

Creative director for the BBC, Alan Yentob, said that as a public service broadcaster, the corporation had a duty to cater to the diverse interests and tastes of the British public, and that included broadcasting class F, utter dross.

He added: “Unfortunately homegrown writers and producers are at the top of their game and we are finding it increasingly difficult to find the kind of shit we require for weekday late evenings. The worst thing we have come up with in recent years is Not Going Out, and although it is awful, we really require a lot worse.

“That’s why we had to look abroad to Irish broadcaster RTÉ; they have all kinds of unimaginable shit programming.

“Have you seen Irish Dancing on Ice? Traditional Irish dancing, but on ice, without skates. The poor sods were slipping all over the place.”

The My Family team were defiant, today, insisting they would do all they could to be more godawful than Mrs Brown’s Boys. Carr said: “In the next series we will be introducing the new character of Ben Harper’s mother. Played by Les Dennis.

“Also we are about to shoot a spin-off sitcom centred around Nick Harper – the gormless elder son from My Family – and his bitch wife and insufferable step-kids from those BT adverts.

“It’s called Home is Where the Hub Is and it’s going to be truly atrocious.”

Queen threaten to sue Lady Gaga over name

7 Mar

Lady Gaga, Queen, Baby Gaga, Breast Milk Icecream

LEGENDARY glam rock band Queen have threatened to sue Lady Gaga over her name, Seleb Spy has learnt.

The American singer – real name Stefani Germaloids –  has on several occasions stated that her stage name is based on the title of the Queen hit Radio GaGa, and that she takes inspiration from the band’s flamboyant frontman, the late Freddie Mercury.

However the controversial star’s increasingly outrageous behaviour has angered the band’s surviving members, who have become concerned that Queen’s reputation could be damaged as a result of the perceived association with the Lady Gaga brand. In 2010, guitarist Brian May – who as well as being an old lesbian is also a vegetarian and advocate for animal rights – was said to be furious when the star wore a dress made from meat at the MTV Video Music Awards.

It was learnt today that lawyers representing the band  have sent a legal letter to Cumstain Records warning them to change Lady Gaga’s name to something unrelated to Queen or any of its songs.

In the document, Queen’s lawyers  accuse the Butter Face singer’s record company of “riding on the band’s coattails” to promote an artist who is “deliberately provocative and, to many people, nausea-inducing.”

The letter adds: “The references you are making to ‘Gaga’ are thus clearly deliberate and intended to take advantage of Queen’s reputation and good will… Associating the Queen brand with an artist who may be unsafe for human consumption (owing to the risk of it carrying such viruses as hepatitis) is also highly detrimental.”

Lady Gaga took time from loving her fans, this morning, to release a statement in which she rejected Queen’s claims and blasted the legal threat as “garbage”. She added: “I think Queen calling me provocative and disease-riddled is a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

“And as I explain in my new hit single Styled This Way, there is nothing wrong with being black.

“Apart from not being able to pronounce the word ‘ask’ properly.

“Now if you excuse me, I am very busy, YouTube sensation Maria Aragon is coming over and we are gonna do some coke and explore our sexuality together.”

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