Give your mum a John Barrowman CD for Mother’s Day, says the Archbishop of Canterbury

3 Apr

John Barrowman, Mother's Day, Seleb Spy 2011,

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has suggested that you give your mother an album recorded by celebrated homosexual John Barrowman this Mother’s Day.

Dr Rowan Williams said the Church of England needed to move with the times and recognise that twenty-first century mothers simply had no interest in flowers and would much rather receive a CD of a brash gay man shouting some well-known songs at the top of his voice.

He also called on Anglican parishes across Britain to shelve the tradition of children giving flowers to the mothers in the congregation during today’s Mothering Sunday services, and instead have them distribute copies of the flamboyant Scottish-American actor and singer’s new album Spring’s Here, It’s Queer, Get Used to It.

In addition, he suggested the communion of red wine and wheat wafers be replaced by a double-vodka and diet coke and a sniff of a bottle of ‘room aroma’.

Traditionalists in the Church of England were reluctant to follow the new guidelines issued by the Archbishop, and insisted that while they recognised the need for the Church to update its image and adapt to modern British society, promoting John Barrowman was a step too far.

Reverend Malcolm Green, 64, from St. Beyoncé’s church in Hull said: “It’s not because John Barrowman is a gentleman who prefers the company of other gentlemen that we disapprove of his work.

“I mean, I love getting my hole ploughed as much as the next man. I, like many others, are against associating John Barrowman with Mothering Sunday because he’s an annoying cunt.”

Parishioners have been more welcoming of Williams’s advice, with music retailer HMV reporting a surge in demand for Barrowman’s albums as well as his fitness DVD Power Bottom Yourself Thin.

Church-goer and friend of Jesus, Sally Anderson wrote on the Daily News messageboard that she had heeded the Archbishop’s advice:

“Normally I just get my mum some flowers from a petrol station, or when money’s tight, from the local cemetery. But this year I’ve bought her the John Barrowman CD.

I’ve had a listen myself and I really like it – my favourite songs are  Diamonds are Forever, But a Pearl Necklace is just for One Night and These Boots were Made for Lickin’. Mum’s going to love it!

John Barrowman said he was delighted to have been endorsed by the leader of the world’s 80 million Anglican worshipers:

“I have always had a great respect for the Church and what it represents. I mean there’s nothing hotter than a vicar; I met a really cute one once on Grindr.

“He gave me a golden baptism.”

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