Archive | May, 2011

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12 May

Dear esteemed Seleb Spy subscriber,

You may have noticed that has been on Extreme Makeover UK and has been transformed from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan.

Please note, however, that your subscription to Seleb Spy will no longer work and you will need to re-subscribe to receive email alerts going forward.

Please visit and sign up using the Subscribe box on the right hand side of the page.

You can also follow me on Twitter:

Many thanks,

Sherlock Cole


ITV to screen Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things

11 May
Osama Bin Laden, Barack Obama, ITV, Seleb Spy,, 2011

"This one time, at jihad camp..."

ITV has bought the rights to the home videos of Osama Bin Laden, recovered by US Navy SEALs in the al-Qaeda leader’s compound in Pakistan last week.

Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things will air on ITV1 from next Saturday as part of the channel’s new summer lineup, going head-to-head with the BBC’s critically acclaimed Don’t Scare the Hare and Do You Think You Can Fucking Dance?

The programme will be fronted by household favourite Stephen Mulhern and feature never before seen hilarious footage of the recently deceased 9/11 mastermind. One clip, to air this weekend, sees Bin Laden don one of his wive’s burqas and sing “Can’t read my, can’t read my, no he can’t read my burqa face“, in the style of Lady Gaga.

The broadcaster has come under fire, however, from critics who cite Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things as an example of an ongoing trend of ‘dumbing down’.

Gregory Solomons, head of programming at ITV, rejected the criticism, saying the show was part of the company’s “commitment to provide viewers with a diverse schedule, along with long-running favourites You’ve Been Framed, Animals Do the Funniest Things, People Do the Funniest Things, and the forthcoming Gypsies Do The Funniest Things.

“I mean come on, can you honestly tell me that you wouldn’t find Osama Bin Laden slipping over while climbing into his daughter’s paddling pool absolutely hilarious?” He added.

Questions have also been raised by several media pressure groups as to whether it is appropriate to air videos of an infamous terrorist in the form of a family entertainment programme.

Host Stephen Mulhern said he saw no problem in that, and Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things was suitable for the whole family.

He told Seleb Spy: “Osama Bin Laden may have been a murderous psychopath, responsible for the deaths of thousands of civilians – but he also had a real talent for visual comedy.

“Like a bloodthirsty jihadist Charlie Chaplin.”

British forces to search for Cheryl Cole’s talent in Pakistan

6 May
Cheryl Cole, X Factor, Seleb Spy,, 2011

Cheryl Cole listens to her new album for the first time.

BRITISH armed forces are planning a daring operation to enter Pakistan after new intelligence indicated Cheryl Cole’s elusive talent may be hiding there.

The last confirmed sighting of the 27-year-old singer’s talent was in 2002 while she was participating in ITV’s Popstars the Rivals and managed to get through a rendition of Nothing Compares 2 U only sounding slightly awful.

It is believed that her talent went into hiding in early 2003, shortly followed by the loss of her dignity after she beat up a nightclub toilet attendant for the sake of a Chupa Chups.

Cole has since forged a career for herself in Britain as a successful pop star, winning countless awards as well as the hearts of the nation. As part of the band Girls Aloud her missing talent was not a great cause for concern as her vocal inability could be concealed behind stronger singers such as Nadine Coyle. And Sarah Harding, Nicola Roberts and Kimberley Walsh.

However in recent years as the Tyneside native reached the A list her lack of vocal ability and grace has become all the more apparent, first with her appointment to the judging panel on the X Factor, then with the launch of her solo career leading to BRIT award nominations. Even the world’s most advanced auto-tune technology has failed to make her vocals sound acceptable on a low tempo song.

The situation reached crisis point, yesterday, when it was confirmed that Cole would be a judge on the US version of the X Factor which begins filming this month.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times, said that while clinching the coveted American X Factor job was a great triumph for the star, it will inevitably lead to “that awkward moment when American viewers realise that despite being paid to criticise other people’s vocal ability, and singing being her day job, she herself sounds like a deaf 80-year-old with emphysema singing in the shower.”

Amid questions over the appropriateness of launching a potentially costly military operation at a time of swingeing government cuts, defence secretary Liam Fox defended the move saying that it was in the country’s best interests to restore Cheryl Cole’s talent:

“Cheryl is Britain’s greatest national treasure so locating her talent is a matter of national pride – we are about to unleash her on America for fuck’s sake. We should be willing to spend as much time and money as it takes to leave no stone unturned in the search.

“I don’t think we could suffer another Messy Little Raindrops.”

Following the assassination of Osama Bin Laden on Sunday by US Navy SEALs close to the Pakistani capital Islamabad, all eyes have turned to the country, with speculation rife that other fugitives may be in hiding there, including Lord Lucan, Shergar, and Wally.

“We also have intelligence that Madeleine McCann is training for jihad in an al-Qaeda camp in the northern tribal areas.” Fox added.

Adele buys stake in Greggs the bakers

4 May
Adele, 21, Someone Like You, Rolling in the Deep, Seleb Spy,, 2011

(Sausage) Rolling in the Deep (Fryer) - Adele has bought shares in Newcastle based Greggs the bakers.

BRIT singer Adele has bought a 5% stake in high street bakery chain Greggs after taking financial advice on how to invest her mounting fortune, Seleb Spy has learnt.

The (Sausage) Rolling in the Deep (Fryer) singer is having a hugely succesful year, with second album 21 spending several weeks at the top of the charts on both sides of the Atlantic.

She also made UK chart history this week after her debut album 19 – originally released in 2008 – shot back up to the number two spot. Both albums take their titles from the singer’s dress size at the time of recording.

As the royalties came rolling in in their millions, the 22-year-old North Londoner sought financial advice on how best to invest her growing wealth.

The songstress said: “Up until recently I’d just been putting all my earnings into the Nationwide CashBuilder account I opened when I was twelve.

“They gave me a free Ashanti CD and a pen.”

Sally Anderson of Katona Asset Management told Seleb Spy: “Financial advisors normally suggest that celebrities invest in industries they are interested in.

“Adele just loves meat of dubious origin baked in puff pastry, so Greggs the bakers was the obvious investment opportunity.”

Adele is part of a growing trend of investors investing in baked goods, attracted by the rising price of grain, Anderson said.

“Shrewd investors are turning away from traditional favourites gold and silver and moving their money into more lucrative emerging commodities like sausage rolls and Cornish pasties.” She added.

The BRIT Award winner said she was excited to be venturing into the stock market and was already eyeing up her next investment opportunity:

“My financial advisor told me it’s a good idea to diversify your investments to minimise the risk of loosing money if one sector takes a beating.

“So I am going to buy shares in Percy Ingle as well. As my mum says: ‘Don’t put all your pasties in one basket.'”

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