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Katie Price launches iJordan app

15 Mar

Katie Price, Jordan, iPhone, Ipad, Apple, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011

BRITAIN’S best-selling author Katie Price launched an app for the iPad and iPhone this morning, in an attempt to cash in on the lucrative mobile technology market.

The iJordan app went on sale in the iTunes App Store today priced at £1.99, with all proceedings going to the glamour model’s favourite charity, the Katie Price Foundation for Katie Price.

The innovative app is packed with exciting features that will appeal to fans and casual admirers of the star alike, and has already shot into the top 10 of the App Store chart.

iJordan includes a map that pin-points Price’s exact location day and night, exclusive photos, news and gossip directly from the star, lifestyle tips, a sing-along version of her smash hit single Free to Love Again and much more.

In addition, the iPad version of the app allows users to download exclusive audio versions of Price’s Booker Prize-winning works, read by the author herself, including her latest book The Royal Wedding Night – an erotic novel based on Prince William and Kate Middleton’s nuptials.

Prince Harry hires Price as a stripper for his brother’s stag night, but the groom-to-be and model end up romping on the lawn of Windsor Castle while Sarah Ferguson films it on her iPhone to sell to the press to clear her debts.

Price told Seleb Spy she was very excited to be taking her first steps into the mobile software market and that behind the makeup and fake tan there was a computer geek bursting to get out.

She added: “I love technology; I’m always browsing the Internet on the go on my iPhone and iPad, checking to see how many column pixels I am getting in the press.

“Do you see what I did there? Because the expression is ‘column inches’ but I said ‘column pixels’ because it’s on a computer.

“Yes.”

Katie Price fan Sally Anderson from Hull bought the iJordan app as soon as it went on sale this morning and said she was very impressed and has recommended it to all her friends. She told Seleb Spy: “Oh em gee, this app is, like, totally amaze. I can keep up with the Pricey no matter where I am.

“I especially love Katie’s fashion advice. I tried her ‘sexy office diva’ look today, and her ‘flirt your way to the top’ career tips. I flirted shamelessly with my boss all day, sucking my pen seductively, bending over slowly to pick up the papers I ‘accidentally’ dropped.

“I think it worked! He wants to have an urgent meeting with me and HR tomorrow to discuss my position at the company. I think they are going to give me a promotion!

The App is not just aimed at women, however, Price claimed, highlighting features such as ‘Katie’s wank bank’ – daily sexy pictures of the star for men to enjoy – and ‘Katie’s lesbian fantasies’ – short sexy stories about Price with other hot female celebrities such as Kelly Brook, Abbey Clancy, and Linda Lusardi.

“The ideal thing about the iPhone and iPad, is that they are wipe clean.” Price added.

Kevin Pieman, a 32 year-old driver of a dirty white Ford Transit van, downloaded the iJordan app this morning and has been furiously masturbating on the hard shoulder of the M62 ever since.

He wrote on the Daily News forums: “Phwoar, Jordan is bang tidy, I’d finger her scratch-resistant TFT LCD any day.”

Michael Clarke, managing director of MegaSoft, the software company that developed the app, said it was an honour to work with such a high-profile client:

iJordan is an app that everyone can enjoy, because everyone loves Jordan.

“Apart from the 90% of the population who fucking loathe the narcissistic bitch.”

Download the iJordan app from the Apple store here.

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Apple gives disappointed users a lump of Cole for Christmas

27 Dec

Lump of Coal Cole iTunes 12 Days of Christmas 2010iPHONE, iPod and iPad users were left distraught yesterday after the iTunes 12 Days of Christmas App gifted them a bundle of shoddy remixes of a shoddy Cheryl Cole song.

Apple users had been looking forward to the start of the 12 Days of Christmas giveaway whereby iTunes offers a free download each day from 26th December until 6th January.

The giveaway is viewed by many as an apology from Apple to its customers for all they have had to put up with throughout the year, such as bloody syncing in shitty iTunes, the iPhone 4 death grip, lack of Flash support, and the general smugness of the company as a whole.

Users were therefore saddened to find that on the first day of Christmas their digital Santa Claus had given them  some dreadful remixes of a dreadful song by a dreadful popstar – the equivalent of a lump a coal.

Disappointed iPhone owner Sally Anderson from Essex wrote on the Apple forums: “I was really looking forward to the start of the iTunes 12 Days of Christmas this year.

“Considering all the money I’ve spent on Apple products and Apps I don’t need, and the hours spent trying to work out how fucking syncing works, Steve Jobs deserved to give me something really special in return.

“So imagine my dismay when I saw the little animation of a Christmas present open on my iPhone screen to reveal Cheryl Cole: Promse This – Christmas Bundle.

“It was like a slap in the face.

“Actually a punch in the face is more fitting in Cheryl’s case.”

Technology experts believe Apple CEO Steve Jobs is still angry with iPhone users for precipitating the media storm over the iPhone 4 reception issues this summer which resulted in the company having to perform an embarrassing u-turn and issue free cases to all affected customers.

Ralph Marcus, technology editor for Woman’s Weekly magazine said: “What we may see over the coming 11 remaining days, is an increasingly insulting free download on offer, culminating on 6th January with a video of Steve Jobs sodomising himself with the elusive white iPhone 4 while he shouts: ‘Look, the reception isn’t dropping!’

“Or something.”

Geraldine Goodmann professor of Theology at the University of Central London said: “It looks like Apple are playing the role of the the original Christian figure of Saint Nicholas, who was said to deliver gifts to good children and lashes of a whip to bad children.

“Although, being lashed by a whip would be preferable to listening to Promise This (Mayday’s Drum & Step Mix).

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