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EUROVISION 2011: Don’t Mention the War, the BBC tells Lee Ryan

20 Apr

Lee Ryan, Blue, Eurovision, Düsseldorf, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011, Sherlock ColeTHE BBC has warned Blue singer Lee Ryan to be on his best behaviour at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest in Düsseldorf, amid fears he will make anti-German jokes and insensitive comments about the war.

The Beeb is understood to have become concerned after the singer –whose group Blue is representing the United Kingdom in the contest – started singing the theme song to Dad’s Army at a press conference last week. He also referred to the reigning Eurovision champion, Lena Meyer-Landrut, as “that kraut bird what won it last year.”

The 27-year-old singer, who suffers from dyslexia and clinical stupidity, has a long history of making unfortunate comments, most notably his infamous remark in the wake of the September 11th terrorist attacks: “Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed?”

The UK delegation is desperate to avoid any further embarrassment following bandmate Antony Costa’s public urination incident in February, and is taking no chances on Ryan putting his foot in his mouth and causing offence in Germany.

Paul Felcher from website EurovisionToday.com said: “The UK is highly regarded at Eurovision for sending some of our finest musical talent like Scooch, Jemini, Nicki French and that bin man off the X Factor.

“We can’t afford to have that reputation damaged by a chubby man with a weak bladder and his half-witted friend.”

A source at the BBC has leaked the full list of rules that have been provided to Ryan ahead of May’s Eurovision final:

  • No mimicking the German accent
  • No Nazi salutes
  • No mention of the war or Hitler
  • No mention of 1966
  • No use of the terms ‘Kraut’, ‘Hun’, ‘Fritz’, ‘Jerry’ or ‘Rhine Monkey’
  • No mention of sun loungers and towels
  • No singing Run Rabbit Run
  • No sexually suggestive comments about Angela Merkel
Asked to comment on the BBC’s warning, Ryan said: “Hitler has only got one ball, the other is in the Albert Hall.”

My Family no longer the worst thing on the BBC

9 Mar
Mrs Brown's Boys, Seleb Spy 2011, BBC, My Family

Peter Stringfellow makes a cameo in BBC One's Mrs Brown's Boys. (Picture courtesty of Raidió Teilifaeces Éireann)

THE writers of long-running shitcom My Family have learnt that their show is no longer the worst thing on the BBC.

The alleged comedy had been universally considered the most tedious, unwatchable programme on the BBC since its first series in 2000. However results of a recent survey conducted by the online polling website Interpol have revealed that My Family has been surpassed in dreadfulness by lousy newcomer Mrs Brown’s Boys.

The programme, which has been running in its native Ireland for several years, made its debut on BBC One last month and was met with overwhelming disdain from both critics and viewers.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times said: “I knew Irish TV was shit, ever since I saw Potato or No Potato on RTÉ while staying at the Premier Inn in Dublin for my sister’s hen weekend.

“The player has to choose one of 22 numbered red boxes. If the box they choose contains a potato, they win the potato.

“If the box does not contain a potato, they don’t win a potato.”

Mrs Brown’s Boys centres around a foul-mouthed matriarch – who is played by a man in drag – and her brood of adult children. The actors frequently break the fourth wall, corpse, and forget their lines, all of which is left in the final edit to make the whole show appear as shoddy as possible and as if everyone involved just can’t be arsed with it, because it’s a load of bollocks anyway.

Anderson added: “It’s basically David Walliams’ rubbish transvestite meets Catherine Tate’s Nan meets Miranda, but with the humour of Dick and Dom on an off day.”

My Family writer Max Carr told Seleb Spy that he was devastated to learn he was no longer responsible for the worst programme on the Beeb. He said: “When we started writing My Family ten years ago, we really put our heart and soul into making it as shit as humanly possible.

“We put in those endless scenes of Ben and Susan talking in bed just to make you unintentionally imagine Robert Lindsay sticking his Hornblower in Zoë Wanamaker’s baby-maker.

“But you know, as time goes by and year after year you are voted the worst thing on TV, you get complacent, and think you don’t have to try as hard.

“The next thing you know, you’re overtaken by some Irish tranny who makes Jim Davidson look like a cutting-edge comedian.”

Creative director for the BBC, Alan Yentob, said that as a public service broadcaster, the corporation had a duty to cater to the diverse interests and tastes of the British public, and that included broadcasting class F, utter dross.

He added: “Unfortunately homegrown writers and producers are at the top of their game and we are finding it increasingly difficult to find the kind of shit we require for weekday late evenings. The worst thing we have come up with in recent years is Not Going Out, and although it is awful, we really require a lot worse.

“That’s why we had to look abroad to Irish broadcaster RTÉ; they have all kinds of unimaginable shit programming.

“Have you seen Irish Dancing on Ice? Traditional Irish dancing, but on ice, without skates. The poor sods were slipping all over the place.”

The My Family team were defiant, today, insisting they would do all they could to be more godawful than Mrs Brown’s Boys. Carr said: “In the next series we will be introducing the new character of Ben Harper’s mother. Played by Les Dennis.

“Also we are about to shoot a spin-off sitcom centred around Nick Harper – the gormless elder son from My Family – and his bitch wife and insufferable step-kids from those BT adverts.

“It’s called Home is Where the Hub Is and it’s going to be truly atrocious.”

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