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Video of your Aunt Sally singing ‘Hold it Against Me’ becomes Internet hit

20 Feb
Britney Spears, Hold it Against Me, Seleb Spy, 2011, SelebSpy.com, Sherlock Cole

If I said I want your penis now, would you hold it against me? Your Aunt Sally trying on New Look's Spring collection.

THAT video of your Aunt Sally singing Britney Spear’s new single Hold it Against Me has been posted online and gone viral, it has been learnt.

The clip was understood to have been recorded in the fitting rooms of New Look in Hull, when your Aunt Sally, 42, and her coworkers were on a drunken shopping spree after being kicked out of the Wetherspoons for being too rowdy.

A New Look shop assistant who witnessed the incident told Seleb Spy: “It was 8 o’clock on Friday evening and we were about to close when this group of completely drunk women and gay men came rushing in singing ‘We’re going shopping, you better bring along the bank, we’re gonna break it!’

“The ringleader, a chunky blonde woman in her forties who I gathered was called Sally, was trying on loads of clothes in sizes far too small for her, and dancing around the fitting rooms singing along to the in-store radio.

“When Hold it Against Me came on, they got very excited and started squealing like a bunch of schoolgirls.

“They then performed a ridiculous drunken dance routine while one of them filmed it on their iPhone.

“At one point two of the ladies had a cat fight over who was going to get the last pair of size 16 distressed denim hotpants.”

The footage was later edited together and posted on YouTube by an anonymous source, but your Aunt Sally is pretty sure it was that fat bitch Brenda from HR who did it in revenge for the Alli diet pills Sally gave her as a secret Santa gift at Christmas.

Since being uploaded on Friday the video has gone viral and has attracted over a million views from all over the world, with hundreds of comments posted. ‘GAC1986’ commented on YouTube: “She dances really well. For a drunk 42-year-old.

“But I still would, you know, ‘hold it against her.’

“My cock against her thigh, that is.”

Britney Spears fans meanwhile are still waiting for the real video for Hold it Against Me to arrive. One fan wrote: “This video is OK, but I’m looking forward to the real version that doesn’t have a fat woman in her forties who can’t dance in it.”

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Ke$ha sobers up, forgets she’s a popstar

8 Oct
Ke$ha

Ke$ha during happier, drunker times

SINGER Ke$ha has had a full night’s sleep, sobered up and can’t remember she’s a pop star, her record company has revealed. The Your Cum is my Drug singer’s pop career is understood to have been a year-long drink binge which began in late 2009.

George Clark, head of A&R at JIZ Records said: “Ke$ha had been completely off her tits since October 2009 and was kept in a state of constant inebriation by minders who only let her sleep for three hours at a time, before waking her up and plying her with more alcohol. We called it the ‘Judy Finnigan cycle.’

“We recognised the appeal of drunk fuck-ups like Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Amy Winehouse and Taylor Swift, and realised there was a space in the market for a fresh, new, slightly disoriented drunk singer for the new decade.”

However earlier this month a mixup in Ke$ha’s minders’ scheduling meant the singer was left unattended for a whole night, in which time she slept for 12 hours and completely sobered up.

Ray Sanchez, the record company minder who discovered Ke$ha sober, said: “I went to check on Ke$ha in the morning and found her in the kitchen, eating Alka-Selzer tablets straight out the packet. She didn’t have a clue where she was or who I was, even though I’d been banging her for the past 2 months.”

Her record company’s worst fears were confirmed when Ke$ha, real name Kesha Sebert, couldn’t remember anything about the past year, any of her songs, or the fact she was a popstar.

“We played her her first single Tik Tok and she was like ‘what the fuck is this shit?!'” Sanchez said.

Speaking exclusively to SelebSpy, Ke$ha said: “The last thing I remember is being at my friend Sally’s graduation party and getting pretty wasted. I was talking to some guys who said they worked for a record label and then everything after that is a blank. What year is it?

“And why have I got glitter in my pussy?”

Asked whether they might attempt to continue the Ke$ha project by getting her wasted again, Clark said: “Unfortunately we have also found out that Ke$ha is now suffering from chronic liver disease. We have learnt our lesson from this; we can’t rely on alcohol or drugs to make a pop star seem crazy and interesting.

“We really just need to find someone who is genuinely mentally ill. Like Britney Spears.”

Britney Spears placed under care of her five year-old son

4 Oct
Britney Spears Conservatorship

Britney Spears reacted well to the news

BRITNEY SPEARS’ personal and financial affairs are to be under the legal control of her five year-old son, Sean Preston Federline, a Los Angeles judge has ruled.

The Beat Me Baby One More Time singer was placed under conservatorship of her father Jamie in 2008 after the star was admitted to hospital for psychiatric treatment.

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Reva Goetz had since become concerned, however, that Mr Spears had not been acting in the best interest of his daughter and had forced her to return to the recording studio and touring before she was ready. As a result, Goetz has now decided to transfer guardianship of the 28 year-old singer to her 5 year-old son Sean instead:

“I placed Miss Spears under conservatorship of her father in 2008 to make sure she didn’t make any more fucking stupid decisions. Then a few month’s later, I hear she’s released a dreadful new song called Womanizer which sounds like a recording of a fox rummaging through some bins, and she’s jetting around the world performing it on TV, and rather than dancing, is just aimlessly wandering around the stage, rubbing her hands together and pointing.”

Judge Goetz decided that Spears should remain under conservatorship rather than regain control of her affairs, on the basis that although she appeared to be in improved health, she remained “a complete retard with the mental age of a foetus.”

Therefore any financial and personal decisions should be made by a guardian who is more responsible and mentally capable – namely her five year-old son.

She added: “I had a very pleasant conversation with Miss Spears and the 5 year-old boy, and both reacted positively to the arrangement, although I did have to explain things using pictures and animal noises to Miss Spears.”

Commenting on the news that he would be taking control of his mother’s affairs, Spear’s son Sean said:

“My mommy’s stupid!”

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