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British forces to search for Cheryl Cole’s talent in Pakistan

6 May
Cheryl Cole, X Factor, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011

Cheryl Cole listens to her new album for the first time.

BRITISH armed forces are planning a daring operation to enter Pakistan after new intelligence indicated Cheryl Cole’s elusive talent may be hiding there.

The last confirmed sighting of the 27-year-old singer’s talent was in 2002 while she was participating in ITV’s Popstars the Rivals and managed to get through a rendition of Nothing Compares 2 U only sounding slightly awful.

It is believed that her talent went into hiding in early 2003, shortly followed by the loss of her dignity after she beat up a nightclub toilet attendant for the sake of a Chupa Chups.

Cole has since forged a career for herself in Britain as a successful pop star, winning countless awards as well as the hearts of the nation. As part of the band Girls Aloud her missing talent was not a great cause for concern as her vocal inability could be concealed behind stronger singers such as Nadine Coyle. And Sarah Harding, Nicola Roberts and Kimberley Walsh.

However in recent years as the Tyneside native reached the A list her lack of vocal ability and grace has become all the more apparent, first with her appointment to the judging panel on the X Factor, then with the launch of her solo career leading to BRIT award nominations. Even the world’s most advanced auto-tune technology has failed to make her vocals sound acceptable on a low tempo song.

The situation reached crisis point, yesterday, when it was confirmed that Cole would be a judge on the US version of the X Factor which begins filming this month.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times, said that while clinching the coveted American X Factor job was a great triumph for the star, it will inevitably lead to “that awkward moment when American viewers realise that despite being paid to criticise other people’s vocal ability, and singing being her day job, she herself sounds like a deaf 80-year-old with emphysema singing in the shower.”

Amid questions over the appropriateness of launching a potentially costly military operation at a time of swingeing government cuts, defence secretary Liam Fox defended the move saying that it was in the country’s best interests to restore Cheryl Cole’s talent:

“Cheryl is Britain’s greatest national treasure so locating her talent is a matter of national pride – we are about to unleash her on America for fuck’s sake. We should be willing to spend as much time and money as it takes to leave no stone unturned in the search.

“I don’t think we could suffer another Messy Little Raindrops.”

Following the assassination of Osama Bin Laden on Sunday by US Navy SEALs close to the Pakistani capital Islamabad, all eyes have turned to the country, with speculation rife that other fugitives may be in hiding there, including Lord Lucan, Shergar, and Wally.

“We also have intelligence that Madeleine McCann is training for jihad in an al-Qaeda camp in the northern tribal areas.” Fox added.

Colonel Gaddafi hires Cheryl Cole’s PR company to improve his image

25 Feb

Colonel Gadaffi, Libya, Kerry Katona, Cheryl Cole, Seleb Spy 2011, Selebspy.com

EMBATTLED Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi has enlisted the PR company of British singer Cheryl Cole to improve his tarnished reputation as his regime’s grip on power weakens.

The 68-year-old has ruled the North African country with an iron fist for 42 years following a coup in 1969, however the huge protests of the last fortnight have seen all but the capital fall into the hands of opposition forces.

Seleb Spy has now learnt that Gaddafi has hired SuperDynamic, the PR company that transformed Cheryl Cole from a violent, racist chav with questionable vocal abilities into a national treasure and pop superstar with questionable vocal abilities.

Andrew Clark, entertainment editor of the Financial Times, said that SuperDynamic was widely regarded as one of the best PR companies in the world, capable of turning around the careers of even the most loathed figures.

“I mean, just a few years ago who would have imagined that Alan and Maxine Carr’s Celebrity Chinwag would become the most watched show on British television?” he added.

Earlier this week Colonel Gaddafi sought to ingratiate himself with Libya’s youth by making a bizarre Lady Gaga-inspired television appearance from the back of a car, holding an umbrella and wearing a hat with ear-flaps.

He said: “The protesters are rats! All my Little Monsters, you are so beautiful, you should grab any heavy object you can find and go out onto the streets and smash those fucking protesters’ heads in until their limp bodies are twitching on the ground.

“Paws up!”

SuperDynamic founder and PR guru Sally Anderson told Seleb Spy: “Colonel Gaddafi – or Colonel G Man as he would now prefer to be known – knows that he has made some mistakes.

“Like the Lockerbie bombing and ordering the army to launch air attacks on his own country’s civilian population.

“But who hasn’t done that? He’s only human after all, we all make mistakes sometimes.”

It is expected that the eccentric despot will make a series of high-profile public appearances at events around the world in the coming days, including the Oscars, and also do several magazine features.

Rumours are also circulating that Gaddafi is set to pip Cheryl Cole to the post and take one of the coveted seats on the American X Factor judging panel this autumn.

Anderson said: “Colonel G Man would be ideal for the US X Factor role. He would bring constructive criticism, the wisdom of age and botoxed glamour to the table. He’s like Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue all rolled into one.

“Also, Colonel G Man is a Bedouin – a nomadic people who traditionally live in tents. So we’re going to try to get him on the next series of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding as well.”

SuperDynamic were not concerned about signing up such a controversial figure and were delighted that the troubled leader chose to approach them, she said.

“Colonel Gaddafi may be a tyrannical dictator who has been accused of killing and torturing thousands, and of having amassed a huge multi-billion dollar fortune while the majority of his country lived in abject poverty.

“But he has never been accused of racially abusing a nightclub toilet attendant just because she wouldn’t give him a Chupa Chup.”

The company has nevertheless been heavily criticised for associating with Gaddafi, whom the international community are threatening to charge with war crimes for his bloody crack-down on the Libyan protests, and his dreadful dress sense.

British prime minister David Cameron said this morning: “I think it is appalling that SuperDynamic PR would choose to work with such a morally bankrupt and despicable person, who has caused such unimaginable suffering.

“I mean, did you see that poor toilet attendant’s black eye?”

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: Cheryl Cole video game unveiled

30 Jan

SELEB SPY exclusively brings you the first footage of the long-awaited video game Super Cheryl World for the Nintendo Wii.

In the game, produced by Newcastle based developers TyneSoft, players guide national treasure Cheryl Cole through the North East of England on her journey to rescue Geordie legend Paul Gascoigne who has been wrongly imprisoned in a mental asylum.

Geoffrey Clark from TyneSoft told Seleb Spy: “As the leading software developers in the North East, we really wanted to create a truly local game, capturing the Geordie spirit.

“Our first idea was a first-person shooter featuring Ant and Dec.

“Imagine Call of Duty, but instead of it being the Americans versus the Russians,  it is supporters of Newcastle FC against supporters of Sunderland.

“And rather than battling in a top-secret Russian nuclear facility, all the action takes place in a run-down pub in South Shields.

“And instead of using super powerful weapons like an AK47, the characters use broken bottles and their bare fists.”

TyneSoft ultimately decided that Ant & Dec’s Football Pub Brawl was too similar to Call of Duty and did not want to risk being sued for copyright infringement, so instead chose to develop  a Cheryl Cole based video game.

Clark said: “Cheryl Cole really is a brilliant ambassador for Newcastle as she truly represents what it is to be a Geordie lass.

“She is beautiful, independent, tenacious and strong-willed.

“And has a tendency to become extremely violent when drunk.”

Super Cheryl World has been developed using the most powerful design software available in the county of Tyne & Wear and, as this exclusive footage demonstrates, really pushes the Nintendo Wii’s graphical capabilities to the limit.

TyneSoft had hoped the game would appeal to the whole family, however were left disappointed after the British Board of Film Classifications issued Super Cheryl World with an 18 certificate.

Sally Anderson from the BBFC said: “We understand that Cheryl Cole is loved by everyone, young and old, so the game will appeal to players of all ages.

“However the amount of racist language and racially aggravated violence in the game means we have had no choice but to prohibit its sale to children.

“The ‘Louis Walsh’s dressing room’ level is particularly shocking.

“I’ve never seen fisting in a computer game before.”

Super Cheryl World is available to buy from 1st May.

Shock as Katie Price is snubbed in BRIT Award nominations

16 Jan

Katie Price, BRITs 2011, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com 2011

THE music industry was left shocked, yesterday, after the BRITs voting academy overlooked Katie Price in this year’s awards nominations.

The model turned critically acclaimed author launched her highly successful music career this year with her hit top 150 début single Free to Love Again.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times told Seleb Spy: “When I received the full list of nominations I was expecting to see Katie Price nominated as Best British Female Solo Artist, British Breakthrough Act, and Best British Single for Free to Love Again.

“I was truly shocked to find no nominations at all for Katie.

“I mean have you actually heard Free to Love Again?!”

Minutes after the nominations were announced on Friday, music fans took to Twitter to voice their anger at the voting academy’s decision to snub national treasure Price.

One music lover, Geoffrey Clarkson, tweeted: “oh my dayz! cant beleev Jordan didnt get no nomination for dis years BRITS. She is proper peng and Free 2 Luv Again is shower.

“I would very much like to engage in sexual relations with her.”

Ralph Marcus from the BRITs voting academy dismissed the criticism and maintained that Price did not deserve to be nominated for any awards.

He said: “It is ridiculous to think that we would nominate someone who can’t sing and just looks pretty and appears in the tabloids and glossy magazines a lot.”

Cheryl Cole meanwhile is celebrating her two nominations in the categories of Best British Female Solo Artist and Best British Single for Parachute.

She wrote on her website this morning: “Canny chuffed to be nominated for two awards at the BRITs.

“If that spacker-faced Ellie Goulding wins Best British Lass over me she better watch her back.

“I have two words for her:

“Sophie Amogbokpa.”

Apple gives disappointed users a lump of Cole for Christmas

27 Dec

Lump of Coal Cole iTunes 12 Days of Christmas 2010iPHONE, iPod and iPad users were left distraught yesterday after the iTunes 12 Days of Christmas App gifted them a bundle of shoddy remixes of a shoddy Cheryl Cole song.

Apple users had been looking forward to the start of the 12 Days of Christmas giveaway whereby iTunes offers a free download each day from 26th December until 6th January.

The giveaway is viewed by many as an apology from Apple to its customers for all they have had to put up with throughout the year, such as bloody syncing in shitty iTunes, the iPhone 4 death grip, lack of Flash support, and the general smugness of the company as a whole.

Users were therefore saddened to find that on the first day of Christmas their digital Santa Claus had given them  some dreadful remixes of a dreadful song by a dreadful popstar – the equivalent of a lump a coal.

Disappointed iPhone owner Sally Anderson from Essex wrote on the Apple forums: “I was really looking forward to the start of the iTunes 12 Days of Christmas this year.

“Considering all the money I’ve spent on Apple products and Apps I don’t need, and the hours spent trying to work out how fucking syncing works, Steve Jobs deserved to give me something really special in return.

“So imagine my dismay when I saw the little animation of a Christmas present open on my iPhone screen to reveal Cheryl Cole: Promse This – Christmas Bundle.

“It was like a slap in the face.

“Actually a punch in the face is more fitting in Cheryl’s case.”

Technology experts believe Apple CEO Steve Jobs is still angry with iPhone users for precipitating the media storm over the iPhone 4 reception issues this summer which resulted in the company having to perform an embarrassing u-turn and issue free cases to all affected customers.

Ralph Marcus, technology editor for Woman’s Weekly magazine said: “What we may see over the coming 11 remaining days, is an increasingly insulting free download on offer, culminating on 6th January with a video of Steve Jobs sodomising himself with the elusive white iPhone 4 while he shouts: ‘Look, the reception isn’t dropping!’

“Or something.”

Geraldine Goodmann professor of Theology at the University of Central London said: “It looks like Apple are playing the role of the the original Christian figure of Saint Nicholas, who was said to deliver gifts to good children and lashes of a whip to bad children.

“Although, being lashed by a whip would be preferable to listening to Promise This (Mayday’s Drum & Step Mix).

Britain’s most powerful supercomputer unable to make Cheryl Cole sound good on a ballad

25 Dec

SCIENTISTS have admitted defeat in the search for auto-tune technology powerful enough to make Cheryl Cole’s voice sound bearable on a low tempo song.

Cole’s record label JIZM Records had previously managed to hide the fact that the national treasure has the vocal ability of an 80 year-old emphysema sufferer by having her sing up-tempo songs, or just a few lines of ballads while with Girls Aloud.

It is understood that producers were forced to allow the X Factor judge to record her new single The Flood after she demanded to sing a ballad to strengthen her reputation as a credible vocalist.

An insider at JIZM Records told Seleb Spy: “When Cheryl wants something, you don’t say no.

“Unless you want a black eye and an earful of racial abuse.”

The country’s leading audio technology experts at the London Institute of Phonic Technology were enlisted by Cole’s label to polish the vocals on The Flood – her first ballad as a solo artist.

George Hudson of LIPT  said: “We were sent an audio recording of what we initially assumed was a fox being raped by a Great Dane.

“This turned out to be the original recording of Cheryl’s vocals for The Flood.

“We immediately knew we would need a bigger computer.”

The record company hired the University of Hull’s £30 million XVC super computer, the most powerful in the UK, with a processing power equivalent to more than 100,000 home PCs.

The experts installed their state-of-the-art SPIRS Vocal Enhancement 2010  software – the most advanced in the world – on the super computer, producing the most powerful auto-tuning technology known to man.

However after weeks of processing, the Fight for this Lollipop singer’s vocals still sounded like a drunk tramp with lung cancer singing on a bus.

Hudson said: “We pushed the hardware to the limit, the lights in the room even started to flicker as we racked up the power.

“Unfortunately it wasn’t enough and her voice stills sounded shit.

“At the end of the day, you can’t polish a turd.”

Cheryl Cole releases fitness DVD: Fight Yourself Thin

10 Dec

Cheryl Cole Fitness DVD Fight Yourself Thin Seleb Spy 2010

NATIONAL treasure Cheryl Cole releases her debut fitness DVD Fight Yourself Thin this Christmas.

Ladies, have you had a bit too much chocolate this Christmas? Piled on a few extra pounds already? By Boxing Day your husband will be disgusted by the sight of you, and he will be sticking it in that nice blonde piece next door by New Year’s Day.

You need Cheryl Cole’s brand new workout DVD Fight Yourself Thin.

National treasure Cheryl shows you how you can achieve the figure you’ve always dreamed of – through fighting!

Our Chezza says: “People always ask me how I stay so thin. And I tells them: fookin’ fightin’!”

Leading dietitians and doctors from around the world agree that the best calorie-burning workout is a good old-fashioned fight.

And who better to teach us how to combine fighting and weight loss than Cheryl Cole, one of the nation’s thinnest and most violent celebrities.

Cheryl added: “The lessons in fightin’ you’ll learn on me DVD can be applied to all areas of yer daily life.

“You can fight at the office, fight at the shops, fight at home, fight in a Guildford nightclub’s toilets over a lollipop.

“Did you know that in ten minutes of fighting you burn more calories than an hour of jogging?

“You don’t fookin’ believe me? Well I’ll fookin’ smash yer lights out man!”

But don’t just take Cheryl’s word for it – even if she threatens to cave your face in with an iron bar – read these amazing testimonials from real women like you who have fought themselves thin.

Rotund housewife Valerie Ferracci from Manchester said: “When me boyfriend comes home from the pub stinking of ale, I used to just shout at him and call him a useless piss-head.

“Now, after watching Cheryl’s DVD, whenever the bastard annoys me in the slightest, I batter the shit out of him.

“And I lose weight at the same time! It’s great!”

So don’t delay, ladies, order Cheryl Cole’s Fight Yourself Thin today and get fighting! The first thousand customers will receive a free broken bottle.

You’ve got to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight yourself thin. Because being thin is worth fighting for.

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