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EUROVISION 2011: Don’t Mention the War, the BBC tells Lee Ryan

20 Apr

Lee Ryan, Blue, Eurovision, Düsseldorf, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011, Sherlock ColeTHE BBC has warned Blue singer Lee Ryan to be on his best behaviour at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest in Düsseldorf, amid fears he will make anti-German jokes and insensitive comments about the war.

The Beeb is understood to have become concerned after the singer –whose group Blue is representing the United Kingdom in the contest – started singing the theme song to Dad’s Army at a press conference last week. He also referred to the reigning Eurovision champion, Lena Meyer-Landrut, as “that kraut bird what won it last year.”

The 27-year-old singer, who suffers from dyslexia and clinical stupidity, has a long history of making unfortunate comments, most notably his infamous remark in the wake of the September 11th terrorist attacks: “Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed?”

The UK delegation is desperate to avoid any further embarrassment following bandmate Antony Costa’s public urination incident in February, and is taking no chances on Ryan putting his foot in his mouth and causing offence in Germany.

Paul Felcher from website EurovisionToday.com said: “The UK is highly regarded at Eurovision for sending some of our finest musical talent like Scooch, Jemini, Nicki French and that bin man off the X Factor.

“We can’t afford to have that reputation damaged by a chubby man with a weak bladder and his half-witted friend.”

A source at the BBC has leaked the full list of rules that have been provided to Ryan ahead of May’s Eurovision final:

  • No mimicking the German accent
  • No Nazi salutes
  • No mention of the war or Hitler
  • No mention of 1966
  • No use of the terms ‘Kraut’, ‘Hun’, ‘Fritz’, ‘Jerry’ or ‘Rhine Monkey’
  • No mention of sun loungers and towels
  • No singing Run Rabbit Run
  • No sexually suggestive comments about Angela Merkel
Asked to comment on the BBC’s warning, Ryan said: “Hitler has only got one ball, the other is in the Albert Hall.”

EU forces Ireland to humiliate itself at Eurovision

15 Feb
Jedward, John and Edward Grimes, Eurovision 2011, Düsseldorf, Germany, Angela Merkel, Seleb Spy 2011, SelebSpy.com

John & Edward had initially declined to represent their country at Eurovision, but for reasons that remain unclear, had a sudden change of heart .

IRELAND has been forced by the European Union to select irritating X Factor twins Jedward as its representative for this year’s Eurovision song contest, as punishment for having its economy bailed out.

The initiative, led by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, is aimed at discouraging other states from seeing the stronger economies of the EU as a safety net to rescue them when they spend all their money on building stadiums for pointless international sporting events rather than making sure they have enough money pay salaries and pensions.

Merkel said: “Basically, we Germans are getting a bit pissed off at having to constantly give money to countries run by people who don’t seem to understand the simple concept that it’s not a good idea to spend more money than you have.

“And maybe if those bloody Spaniards didn’t sleep so much during the day and actually did some work they wouldn’t be on the brink of financial ruin.

“We need to make an example of the countries whose economies have been bailed out by the EU, in order to discourage other states from seeing it as an easy way out.”

This year’s Eurovision song contest was chosen as an appropriate setting for Ireland’s humiliation, as it will be held in the German city of Düsseldorf, and the Irish are famed for their love of music and success at the competition.

Seleb Spy has learnt that not only has the EU forced Ireland to send the odious twins – real names John and Edward Grimes – to Düsseldorf, but it has also dictated the staging, choreography and wardrobe of their performance.

According to an insider at Eurovision organisers the European Broadcasting Union, the twins will sing while performing a traditional Irish dance, dressed as leprechauns. The audience will be encouraged to pelt them with potatoes and coins, as a representation of the EU’s bail-out of the Irish economy.

The EU has similarly forced Greece, which also received emergency financial assistance, to be represented by a fat man who will spend the three-minute performance smashing plates and shouting ‘Opa!’ while in the background a young man dressed as a waiter fingers a drunken middle-aged British tourist called Pam.

Irish national broadcaster RTÉ confirmed, today, that it would be sending Jedward to Eurovision as a result of “external pressure”, sparking outrage across the country.

Sally O’Neil, entertainment editor of the Irish Financial Times, blasted the decision as “the worst thing to happen to Ireland since the potato famine.”

Meanwhile, Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams said: “I think Eurovision night will be the first time that the entire population of Northern Ireland will be unanimously happy that they are citizens of the United Kingdom, myself included.

“Sorry, Blue, you say?!

“Maybe not, then.”

Women eat humble pie after Antony Costa proves that men can multitask

7 Feb
Anthony Costa, Blue, Eurovision 2011, Sunday Mirror, Seleb Spy 2011, SelebSpy.com

Blue star Antony Costa urinates over a cash machine in central London while withdrawing money.

MEN took the upper hand in the ongoing battle of the sexes, yesterday, after Blue singer Antony Costa finally proved that the sterner sex can multitask.

British women have conceded that they can no longer use the ‘men can’t multitask’ argument after the 29-year-old star was photographed urinating against a cash machine in central London, while simultaneously withdrawing money from it.

Sally Anderson, professor of gender studies at the University of Central London, told Seleb Spy: “Women like to boast about how, unlike rubbish men, we can do more than one thing at once, like riding the Tube while putting our makeup on, or sitting on the washing machine while reading Heat magazine.

“Or chatting shit between ourselves at work all day, but still somehow managing to get everything done on time.

“But after seeing these photos of Antony Costa pissing against a cash machine, we have to admit that we’ve been completely wrong.

“This man is managing to withdraw money, while urinating all over the machine, without seeming to get his legs or shoes wet.

“It’s remarkable.”

Lesley van Dyke from the British Feminist Society has also expressed her surprise at the evidence of male multitasking.

She said: “I used to think that men were selfish, vulgar, sex-mad, neanderthals, too busy thinking about breasts or football to muster the mental resources to do more than one thing at any one time.

“But seeing Antony Costa having a slash against that cash machine while making a withdrawal has made me think I’ve been wrong about men all along.”

Antony Costa fans, meanwhile, have taken to social networking sites to express their pride in their hero, who will be representing the UK at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest with his fellow Blue bandmates.

Self-confessed super fan, Georgina Clarkson from Essex, wrote on Twitter: “So proud that Ant is representin England at Eurovision.

“And I so wish I was that cash machine.”

“LOLZ!”

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