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The Saturdays and Sugababes to be nationalised

16 Sep
The Saturdays and George Osborne

The Saturdays and Chancellor George Osborne were spotted together earlier this year.

SPECULATION mounted today that stricken girl bands The Saturdays and the Sugababes will be nationalised and merged into one ‘super group’, at the British taxpayer’s expense.

The global economic crisis and the growth of music piracy have seen the two groups’ chart positions tumble in recent months. The Sugababes’ latest album, Sweet 7, only reached number 14 on the UK album chart, while The Saturdays last offering did not fair much better. Analysts warn that both groups are on the verge of being dropped by their record labels.

Sean Markus, entertainment editor of the Financial Times said: “The Sugababes and The Saturdays are simply too big to fail; if they were dropped by their record companies, it would be disastrous for the British music industry and the wider economy. The Saturdays are the faces of the Impulse antiperspirant brand and the Sugababes are the new faces of Femfresh intimate wipes. If both groups are dropped, it would send shockwaves across the feminine hygiene industry unseen since the 1996 Tena Lady riots.”

The groups are expected to receive government funding from the Bank of England in the coming days to cover mounting debts owed to tanning salons, stylists and designers.

Sally Gerine, founder of the TanGerine tanning salon chain said: “Both The Saturdays and the Sugbabes are regulars at branches of our tanning salons. Both groups have wracked up huge unpaid balances on their accounts and as yet we’ve not received a penny. Do know how much fake tan we need to use to cover Heidi Range’s face? If they don’t pay up soon the whole company will go bust.”

The extra cash will also be used to pay for a nightly minibus that will chauffeur the Sugaturds – as the combined group is tipped to be called – around several trendy celebrity nightspots such as Whisky Mist and Mahiki so the girls can fall out of the back seat onto the pavement, flash their knickers and maybe a bit of minge to the waiting paparazzi before getting straight back in and being whisked off to the next venue to do the same.

The bailout will likely come with conditions attached, however. Polly Anderson from the London School of Ecnomics said: “Cuts and streamlining within the new group will likely be expected by the government in the event of any financial assistance being provided. Basically they will need to chuck the chunky one from the Saturdays, and draw their new album artwork themselves using felt tip pens and glitter-glue.”

Pop music investors have cautiously greeted the news. “I like the Sugababes and I like The Saturdays,” said Tiffany Watson, 11, from Hull.

“But I like Justin Bieber more. He makes my fanny tingle.”


Justin Bieber is 16 year-old boy

10 Sep

Boy oh boy - Justin Bieber is not a 28 year-old lesbian

Record company provides copy of birth certificate proving singer is actually a 16 year-old boy.

Music fans were shocked today when it was revealed that singer Justin Bieber is really a teenage boy and not a 28 year-old lesbian called Justine Beaver as previously believed.

Since his rise to stardom in 2009 it had been generally assumed that the singer was an adult lesbian masquerading as a teenage boy to sell records.

Sally Hill, entertainment editor of The Daily News said: “Record companies often make pop stars hide certain things that they believe would make them less marketable – like how they hid the fact Joe McElderry is gay, or that Cheryl Cole can’t sing – We just all assumed that ‘Justin Bieber’ was a cover story used to make a lesbian lady an acceptable pop star for the child / teen market.”

Following months of rumours, Bieber’s label decided to put the debate to rest and earlier this week posted a copy of the singer’s birth certificate online confirming that Justin Drew Bieber was born on 1st March 1994 as a male.

Lesbian Bieber fan Connie Lingus said: “I am deeply shocked and saddened by the news. I just can’t believe he’s actually a boy. It’s like Hanson all over again!”

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