Archive | Kerry Katona RSS feed for this section

Stacey Solomon inherits the One Prawn Ring

24 Apr
Stacey Solomon, Iceland, Prawn Ring, King Prawn Ring, Kerry Katona, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com 2011, X Factor

One Prawn Ring to rule them all, One Prawn Ring to find them. One Prawn Ring to tempt them all, One Prawn Ring only £2

STACEY Solomon has become the latest bearer of the One Prawn Ring and now holds all the power in the kingdom of Iceland, Seleb Spy has learnt.

The One Prawn Ring was forged from the finest North Atlantic King Prawns by the dark sorceress Coleen Nolan in the Second Age to consolidate her power as the Queen of Iceland and her dominance over all the working class mothers in the realm.

The seafood treasure holds immense power, more so than any other delicious Iceland party snack, even the Tex Mex Platter and Mini Hot Dogs.

Solomon has inherited the fishy halo from former Prawn Ring-bearer Kerry of Katona, who lost possession in 2009 after becoming dangerously addicted to its accompanying seafood sauce.

Kerry had once been a great, respected person – member of critically-acclaimed girl group Atomic Kitten, Celebrity Mum of the Year, panelist on Loose Women, Queen of all of Icelandbut over the years her obsession with the One Prawn Ring transformed her into a twisted, incoherent creature dwelling in a cave in Warrington.

Kerry Katona, Prawn Ring, Gollum, Sele Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011She said she was devastated to learn the One Prawn Ring had a new owner: “We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Solomonses. Wicked, tricksy, false!

“Fooking little bastards!”

New Prawn Ring-bearer Solomon, who hails from the distant land of Dagenham, told Seleb Spy: “I can’t eat prawns, they ain’t kosher.”

Food scare as eggs contaminated by pop star

17 Feb

Lady Gaga, Born This Way, Grammies, Grammy Awards, Seleb Spy 2011, SelebSpy.com

BRITAIN is on alert today after it emerged that eggs contaminated by bat-shit crazy singer Lady Gaga may have entered the food chain.

The scare was sparked by the eccentric American star’s performance of her new single It Doesn’t Matter If You’re Fat and Gay at Sunday’s Grammy Awards ceremony, after she arrived at the venue and entered the stage inside a giant egg.

It has since emerged that the 24-year-old singer – real name Stefani Germanotta – had visited several egg farms in the US in preparation for the performance “for inspiration”, and inadvertently contaminated their production lines.

Last week the star tweeted to her legions of fans: “At the egg farm today, Little Monsters. It’s so inspiring. Some of the eggs are white, some of the eggs are brown, some are big, some are small. But they were all born this way.

“Paws up.”

Tests conducted by the Food Standards Agency on imported American eggs have since found traces of contamination in a large number of batches, prompting fears that tainted produce has entered the food chain in Britain. A spokesman said that among the contaminants found were glitter, fake eyelash glue, cocaine and human tears.

“We found foreign substances in an alarming number of batches of eggs tested. The only conclusion we can draw is that a self-important pop star with mental health issues has been interfering with chickens and eggs at several egg farms in the North East United States.

“We could be looking at the most serious food scare this country has seen since Kerry Katona’s ill-fated frozen meals range hospitalised fifty and left three children dead.”

British supermarkets are now clearing their shelves of cakes, sponges and quiches produced with contaminated American eggs amid fears of a widespread outbreak of Gaga-related food poisoning. However, authorities have been accused of being too slow to react to the scare and of putting public health at risk.

Local trading standards offices have been inundated with calls and emails from concerned members of the public complaining of exposure to contaminated eggs and egg-containing products.

Sally Anderson, a 68-year-old retired dinner lady from Hull, said: “I was cracking an egg into my frying pan when I noticed a small brown seed thing in the white.

“I didn’t know what it was at first, but now I am pretty sure it must have been a miniature version of one of those Alexander McQueen Armadillo shoes.

“Edwina Currie was right about eggs all along.”

Mother-of-two Kelly Shaw from Essex similarly suspects that her family has been exposed to tainted eggs. She told Seleb Spy:

“Me and the kids had boiled eggs the other day and they tasted a bit funny. My husband thinks it was because they were a week past their ‘best before’ date, but I’m convinced that it was because Lady Gaga and her poofter dancers had had their filthy gay hands all over them.

“And another thing – she might try to tell my kids that it doesn’t matter if they grow up to be a pair of queers, and that they should still love themselves no matter what.

“But they know that I’ll beat the living shit out of them if I catch them so much as humming a song from Wicked.”

Kerry Katona injures her King Prawn Ring while training for Dancing on Ice

8 Nov
Kerry Katona Dancing on Ice

Kerry Katona falls while training for the new series of ITV's Dancing on Ice

FORMER face of Iceland supermarkets Kerry Katona has injured her King Prawn Ring while training for the new series of ITV’s Dancing on Ice, putting her appearance on the show in jeopardy.

According to ITV crew who witnessed the incident, celebrity mum of the year and recovering crack addict Katona was attempting a jump when she fell awkwardly on the ice, screaming: “Fookin’ ‘ell, me prawn ring!”

Dr Samir Khan from University College Hospital said: “The King Prawn Ring is particularly delicate and quite easily bruised. She’s lucky it didn’t tear. If she keeps it refrigerated it should heal by itself within a week or two.

“Although it may still start to rot and stink like a fishmonger’s apron.”

Kerry Katona Make Over

Kerry Katona's new Cameron-Diaz-meets-Daniella-Westbrook look.

Pug dog on skates Jayne Torvill who mentors the contestants on the show said: “Skating with a bruised King Prawn Ring would be quite uncomfortable for Kerry, so we are recommending she takes some off to allow her prawns to recuperate.”

Dancing on Ice is seen as a make-or-break point in Katona’s career following a string of setbacks in recent years including getting divorced, becoming a crack addict, going bankrupt, getting divorced again, and appearing off her face on live daytime TV.

The former Atomic Kitten singer has claimed to have turned her life around in the last few months, and has also undergone liposuction and had an extensive makeover to transform herself into a Cameron Diaz / Daniella Westbrook hybrid.

Dancing on Ice fans were disappointed to hear that Katona may have to pull out of the show. Dazza77 on The Daily News forums wrote: “Since she’s had the makeover and lost all that weight I definitely would, you know…

“Eat her King Prawn Ring.”

ITV hires Chilean mine for I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here

15 Oct

 

Katie Price Chilean Mine I'm a celebrity

Katie Price enters the San José mine for the new series of ITV's I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here

 

ITV has hired the San José Mine in Copiapó, Chile  for use as the venue of the new series of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Seleb Spy has learnt.

The mine, where 33 workers were trapped for 69 days before being plucked to safety earlier this week, has been leased to ITV for an undisclosed fee for the filming of the 2010 series of the hit reality show.

According to sources at ITV, this year’s group of celebrities will include Peaches Geldof, Fearne Cotton, Danny Dyer, and  favourites from previous series of I’m a Celebrity including Katie Price, Kerry Katona, Tara Palmer Thompkinson, and Mylene Klass.

A producer of the show said: “Viewers have become bored of the Australian jungle and the same old tasks. How many times do people want to see Katie Price eating a kangaroo’s anus or Jenny Bond having possum semen squirted in her eyes?

We wanted to shake things up a bit. When we were watching those poor little Incas on the news, trapped down that mine, hundreds of feet underground, on the other side of the world, isolated from society, we thought ‘wouldn’t that be a great place to send the likes of Katie Price and Danny Dyer?'”

The Fénix 2 steel rescue capsule, in which the Chilean miners were winched to the surface, will be used by the celebrities to enter the mine.

A spokesman for the Chilean navy, who manufactured and owns the rescue capsule, confirmed that ITV had been granted its use for the I’m a Celebrity launch night in early November. He said: “ITV have requested the use of the Fénix 2 capsule to allow the celebrities to descend into the mine.

“But strangely they haven’t expressed any interest to use it at any point after that.”

No details have emerged of the tasks the celebrities will have to endure once in the mine, nor of the practicalities of sending bulky cameras and sound equipment down the very narrow borehole. Marcus Smith, Entertainment Editor of the Financial Times said: “All the details seem to concern getting the celebrities down the mine, but then there seems to be no plans about what they are going to do when they are there or indeed how ITV plan to get them out again.”

The relocation of I’m a Celebrity to the mine is expected to provide a much-needed boost to the local economy. A large cement company in the region has been one of the first to benefit. Sales director Pedro Sanchez said: “ITV have put in an order for a huge amount of cement – far too much for a building.

“It’s like they are planning to fill in a massive hole or something.”

Kerry Katona appointed as UK’s ‘space ambassador’

30 Sep
Kerry Katona UN Space Ambassador

An artist's impression of Kerry Katona making first contact with extraterrestrial life

THE UNITED NATIONS Office for Outer Space Affairs which was set up in 1962 to promote the “peaceful use of outer space” has requested that every country appoint their own ‘space ambassador’ who would be responsible for conducting negotiations with extraterrestrials should they land on their territory and seek to make contact.

The move comes as the case for the existence of non-human intelligent life has grown stronger following the discovery of Earth-like planets in other solar systems.

The UK Space Agency, which was in charge of appointing Britain’s representative, announced today that it had chosen ex-Atomic Kitten singer Kerry Katona for the role.

Commenting on the appointment, Sally Henderson from the UKSA said: “People may say that we should have chosen a cultural luminary as the UK’s ‘space ambassador’, however anthropologists believe that what an alien civilisation would consider to be culture will vary hugely from our own perceptions.

Moreover, there is a language issue – those instant voice translators you see in films just don’t exist. We will have no way of communicating in an alien language, or aliens in ours. While her English is barely passable, Ms Katona is eloquent in the base, non-verbal communication of grunts, hand gestures and exaggerated facial expressions, that we believe other life forms are likely to share and understand.

Also I’ve seen ‘Mars Attacks’, and in case the aliens start shooting up the place with vapourising laser guns, we don’t want any actual important people to be within a mile of the slimy green bastards.”

Details have also emerged about the ceremony that would take place in the event of contact being made with extraterrestrials in Britain. Initial plans suggest that Katona would be standing at the end of a red carpet holding a Kind Prawn Ring on one hand, and a Iceland party platter on the other. As the extraterrestrial visitors’ representative approaches down the red carpet, Katona will emit a series of low grunts while curtsying.

In the event of physical hostility from the visitors, Katona has been advised to cower on the floor in the foetal position and soil herself.

“I do that most Friday nights anyway,” she said.

%d bloggers like this: