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British forces to search for Cheryl Cole’s talent in Pakistan

6 May
Cheryl Cole, X Factor, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011

Cheryl Cole listens to her new album for the first time.

BRITISH armed forces are planning a daring operation to enter Pakistan after new intelligence indicated Cheryl Cole’s elusive talent may be hiding there.

The last confirmed sighting of the 27-year-old singer’s talent was in 2002 while she was participating in ITV’s Popstars the Rivals and managed to get through a rendition of Nothing Compares 2 U only sounding slightly awful.

It is believed that her talent went into hiding in early 2003, shortly followed by the loss of her dignity after she beat up a nightclub toilet attendant for the sake of a Chupa Chups.

Cole has since forged a career for herself in Britain as a successful pop star, winning countless awards as well as the hearts of the nation. As part of the band Girls Aloud her missing talent was not a great cause for concern as her vocal inability could be concealed behind stronger singers such as Nadine Coyle. And Sarah Harding, Nicola Roberts and Kimberley Walsh.

However in recent years as the Tyneside native reached the A list her lack of vocal ability and grace has become all the more apparent, first with her appointment to the judging panel on the X Factor, then with the launch of her solo career leading to BRIT award nominations. Even the world’s most advanced auto-tune technology has failed to make her vocals sound acceptable on a low tempo song.

The situation reached crisis point, yesterday, when it was confirmed that Cole would be a judge on the US version of the X Factor which begins filming this month.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times, said that while clinching the coveted American X Factor job was a great triumph for the star, it will inevitably lead to “that awkward moment when American viewers realise that despite being paid to criticise other people’s vocal ability, and singing being her day job, she herself sounds like a deaf 80-year-old with emphysema singing in the shower.”

Amid questions over the appropriateness of launching a potentially costly military operation at a time of swingeing government cuts, defence secretary Liam Fox defended the move saying that it was in the country’s best interests to restore Cheryl Cole’s talent:

“Cheryl is Britain’s greatest national treasure so locating her talent is a matter of national pride – we are about to unleash her on America for fuck’s sake. We should be willing to spend as much time and money as it takes to leave no stone unturned in the search.

“I don’t think we could suffer another Messy Little Raindrops.”

Following the assassination of Osama Bin Laden on Sunday by US Navy SEALs close to the Pakistani capital Islamabad, all eyes have turned to the country, with speculation rife that other fugitives may be in hiding there, including Lord Lucan, Shergar, and Wally.

“We also have intelligence that Madeleine McCann is training for jihad in an al-Qaeda camp in the northern tribal areas.” Fox added.

Adele buys stake in Greggs the bakers

4 May
Adele, 21, Someone Like You, Rolling in the Deep, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011

(Sausage) Rolling in the Deep (Fryer) - Adele has bought shares in Newcastle based Greggs the bakers.

BRIT singer Adele has bought a 5% stake in high street bakery chain Greggs after taking financial advice on how to invest her mounting fortune, Seleb Spy has learnt.

The (Sausage) Rolling in the Deep (Fryer) singer is having a hugely succesful year, with second album 21 spending several weeks at the top of the charts on both sides of the Atlantic.

She also made UK chart history this week after her debut album 19 – originally released in 2008 – shot back up to the number two spot. Both albums take their titles from the singer’s dress size at the time of recording.

As the royalties came rolling in in their millions, the 22-year-old North Londoner sought financial advice on how best to invest her growing wealth.

The songstress said: “Up until recently I’d just been putting all my earnings into the Nationwide CashBuilder account I opened when I was twelve.

“They gave me a free Ashanti CD and a pen.”

Sally Anderson of Katona Asset Management told Seleb Spy: “Financial advisors normally suggest that celebrities invest in industries they are interested in.

“Adele just loves meat of dubious origin baked in puff pastry, so Greggs the bakers was the obvious investment opportunity.”

Adele is part of a growing trend of investors investing in baked goods, attracted by the rising price of grain, Anderson said.

“Shrewd investors are turning away from traditional favourites gold and silver and moving their money into more lucrative emerging commodities like sausage rolls and Cornish pasties.” She added.

The BRIT Award winner said she was excited to be venturing into the stock market and was already eyeing up her next investment opportunity:

“My financial advisor told me it’s a good idea to diversify your investments to minimise the risk of loosing money if one sector takes a beating.

“So I am going to buy shares in Percy Ingle as well. As my mum says: ‘Don’t put all your pasties in one basket.'”

Cliff Richard records Christian cover of Lady Gaga’s Judas for Easter

25 Apr

Cliff Richard, Lady-Gaga, Judas, Easter, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011, Sherlock ColeLEGENDARY British singer Sir Cliff Richard has released a cover version of Lady Gaga’s new single Judas in time for Easter.

The devout Christian has reworked the controversial song’s lyrics and given it the new title I’m in Love with Jesus to make it appropriate for this holiest time of the year.

Sir Cliff, 70, has previously criticised the song – in which Lady Gaga confesses her love for Judas, whose betrayal led to Jesus’s execution – as he felt its release during the run-up to Easter  was insensitive and offensive to Christians.

He said in an interview with Christian newspaper The Daily Bread earlier this month that the 25-year-old American star had made a “conscious decision to offend Christians around the world during the time of the year most important to them” and urged churchgoers not to buy her latest single or allow their children to do so.

Later, realising that a boycott of the immensely popular songstress’ music was futile, Sir Cliff had an epiphany, and came up with the idea to record his own version of the song, but with an added powerful Easter message.

“I was sitting in the living room with my companion John, watching The Only Way is Essex on the television, and suddenly the idea popped into my head! I should record a Christian cover of Judas and release it on Easter Sunday.

“It was as if God himself had whispered it in my ear.” He said.

The crooner’s new version of Judas – released yesterday on Rejoice Records – includes the chorus:

I’m just a Holy fool, but He is never cruel,
I’m so in love with Jesus, baby.
He died for my sins, and rose to live again,
I’m so in love with Jesus, baby.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, I’m in love with Jesus, Jesus 
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, so in love with Jesus, Jesus 

An accompanying music video has also been filmed, which features Sir Cliff wandering through the streets of Jerusalem’s Old City followed by a group of adoring nuns. NME have hailed the video as the singer’s best since Millennium Prayer in 1999.

The lifelong bachelor, who is close friends with Cilla Black, Dale Winton and Paul O’Grady has released several songs with a religious theme during his career of more than 50 years, including Mistletoe and Wine, Saviour’s Day, Millennium Prayer, and Proud Virgin Mary.

I’m in Love with Jesus is available to download now on iTunes, with all proceeds going to Christian Aid.

Video of your Aunt Sally singing ‘Hold it Against Me’ becomes Internet hit

20 Feb
Britney Spears, Hold it Against Me, Seleb Spy, 2011, SelebSpy.com, Sherlock Cole

If I said I want your penis now, would you hold it against me? Your Aunt Sally trying on New Look's Spring collection.

THAT video of your Aunt Sally singing Britney Spear’s new single Hold it Against Me has been posted online and gone viral, it has been learnt.

The clip was understood to have been recorded in the fitting rooms of New Look in Hull, when your Aunt Sally, 42, and her coworkers were on a drunken shopping spree after being kicked out of the Wetherspoons for being too rowdy.

A New Look shop assistant who witnessed the incident told Seleb Spy: “It was 8 o’clock on Friday evening and we were about to close when this group of completely drunk women and gay men came rushing in singing ‘We’re going shopping, you better bring along the bank, we’re gonna break it!’

“The ringleader, a chunky blonde woman in her forties who I gathered was called Sally, was trying on loads of clothes in sizes far too small for her, and dancing around the fitting rooms singing along to the in-store radio.

“When Hold it Against Me came on, they got very excited and started squealing like a bunch of schoolgirls.

“They then performed a ridiculous drunken dance routine while one of them filmed it on their iPhone.

“At one point two of the ladies had a cat fight over who was going to get the last pair of size 16 distressed denim hotpants.”

The footage was later edited together and posted on YouTube by an anonymous source, but your Aunt Sally is pretty sure it was that fat bitch Brenda from HR who did it in revenge for the Alli diet pills Sally gave her as a secret Santa gift at Christmas.

Since being uploaded on Friday the video has gone viral and has attracted over a million views from all over the world, with hundreds of comments posted. ‘GAC1986’ commented on YouTube: “She dances really well. For a drunk 42-year-old.

“But I still would, you know, ‘hold it against her.’

“My cock against her thigh, that is.”

Britney Spears fans meanwhile are still waiting for the real video for Hold it Against Me to arrive. One fan wrote: “This video is OK, but I’m looking forward to the real version that doesn’t have a fat woman in her forties who can’t dance in it.”

Food scare as eggs contaminated by pop star

17 Feb

Lady Gaga, Born This Way, Grammies, Grammy Awards, Seleb Spy 2011, SelebSpy.com

BRITAIN is on alert today after it emerged that eggs contaminated by bat-shit crazy singer Lady Gaga may have entered the food chain.

The scare was sparked by the eccentric American star’s performance of her new single It Doesn’t Matter If You’re Fat and Gay at Sunday’s Grammy Awards ceremony, after she arrived at the venue and entered the stage inside a giant egg.

It has since emerged that the 24-year-old singer – real name Stefani Germanotta – had visited several egg farms in the US in preparation for the performance “for inspiration”, and inadvertently contaminated their production lines.

Last week the star tweeted to her legions of fans: “At the egg farm today, Little Monsters. It’s so inspiring. Some of the eggs are white, some of the eggs are brown, some are big, some are small. But they were all born this way.

“Paws up.”

Tests conducted by the Food Standards Agency on imported American eggs have since found traces of contamination in a large number of batches, prompting fears that tainted produce has entered the food chain in Britain. A spokesman said that among the contaminants found were glitter, fake eyelash glue, cocaine and human tears.

“We found foreign substances in an alarming number of batches of eggs tested. The only conclusion we can draw is that a self-important pop star with mental health issues has been interfering with chickens and eggs at several egg farms in the North East United States.

“We could be looking at the most serious food scare this country has seen since Kerry Katona’s ill-fated frozen meals range hospitalised fifty and left three children dead.”

British supermarkets are now clearing their shelves of cakes, sponges and quiches produced with contaminated American eggs amid fears of a widespread outbreak of Gaga-related food poisoning. However, authorities have been accused of being too slow to react to the scare and of putting public health at risk.

Local trading standards offices have been inundated with calls and emails from concerned members of the public complaining of exposure to contaminated eggs and egg-containing products.

Sally Anderson, a 68-year-old retired dinner lady from Hull, said: “I was cracking an egg into my frying pan when I noticed a small brown seed thing in the white.

“I didn’t know what it was at first, but now I am pretty sure it must have been a miniature version of one of those Alexander McQueen Armadillo shoes.

“Edwina Currie was right about eggs all along.”

Mother-of-two Kelly Shaw from Essex similarly suspects that her family has been exposed to tainted eggs. She told Seleb Spy:

“Me and the kids had boiled eggs the other day and they tasted a bit funny. My husband thinks it was because they were a week past their ‘best before’ date, but I’m convinced that it was because Lady Gaga and her poofter dancers had had their filthy gay hands all over them.

“And another thing – she might try to tell my kids that it doesn’t matter if they grow up to be a pair of queers, and that they should still love themselves no matter what.

“But they know that I’ll beat the living shit out of them if I catch them so much as humming a song from Wicked.”

Shock as Katie Price is snubbed in BRIT Award nominations

16 Jan

Katie Price, BRITs 2011, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com 2011

THE music industry was left shocked, yesterday, after the BRITs voting academy overlooked Katie Price in this year’s awards nominations.

The model turned critically acclaimed author launched her highly successful music career this year with her hit top 150 début single Free to Love Again.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times told Seleb Spy: “When I received the full list of nominations I was expecting to see Katie Price nominated as Best British Female Solo Artist, British Breakthrough Act, and Best British Single for Free to Love Again.

“I was truly shocked to find no nominations at all for Katie.

“I mean have you actually heard Free to Love Again?!”

Minutes after the nominations were announced on Friday, music fans took to Twitter to voice their anger at the voting academy’s decision to snub national treasure Price.

One music lover, Geoffrey Clarkson, tweeted: “oh my dayz! cant beleev Jordan didnt get no nomination for dis years BRITS. She is proper peng and Free 2 Luv Again is shower.

“I would very much like to engage in sexual relations with her.”

Ralph Marcus from the BRITs voting academy dismissed the criticism and maintained that Price did not deserve to be nominated for any awards.

He said: “It is ridiculous to think that we would nominate someone who can’t sing and just looks pretty and appears in the tabloids and glossy magazines a lot.”

Cheryl Cole meanwhile is celebrating her two nominations in the categories of Best British Female Solo Artist and Best British Single for Parachute.

She wrote on her website this morning: “Canny chuffed to be nominated for two awards at the BRITs.

“If that spacker-faced Ellie Goulding wins Best British Lass over me she better watch her back.

“I have two words for her:

“Sophie Amogbokpa.”

Jay-Z attempts to return Cher Lloyd to Primark

1 Jan

Cher Lloyd, Jaz-Z, X Factor, Seleb Spy 2011JAY-Z has attempted to return X Factor contestant Cher Lloyd to Primark after admitting he had been expecting the legendary diva Cher.

The music industry was left shocked when the US hip hop star announced he had acquired 32 year-old recovering crystal meth addict Cher Lloyd this week.

Since the X Factor concluded in December rumours had been circulating that Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.i.am was interested in signing the unstable contestant.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times told Seleb Spy:

“Will.i.am is in the market for a pram-faced wench to replace Fergie as she is getting on a bit, and is frankly quite off-putting to watch.

“After meeting Cher on the X Factor he immediately knew she would be perfect for the job of a marginally attractive frontwoman with questionable vocal abilities.”

However a spokesperson from Jay-Z’s record label Roc Nation confirmed  today that the New York-based rapper believed it was 64 year-old pop legend Cher on offer and not a malnourished street urchin from the Midlands.

He said: “Jay had heard talk of Will.i.am signing Cher and assumed it was the Cher.

“You know, ‘Do you belieeeeeeeeve in life after luuuuurv.’

“He did think it was a bit of a bargain and hadn’t heard of this ‘Primark’ record label before, but sent a representative over to England anyway to make the purchase before Will got in there first.”

It is understood that Jay-Z has since tried to return Lloyd to the Worcester branch of Primark explaining the mix-up. However staff have refused to accept the return claiming Lloyd is damaged goods.

Manager of Primark Worcester Georgina Clank told Seleb Spy: “We’ve seen it all; people trying to return ripped dresses, soiled underwear, broken shoes.

“And mentally fucked-up wannabe ghetto princesses.

“There is a Sue Ryder Care shop down the road if Mr Z would like to dispose of Miss Lloyd.

“They are always willing to take any old unwanted crap.”

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