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ITV to screen Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things

11 May
Osama Bin Laden, Barack Obama, ITV, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011

"This one time, at jihad camp..."

ITV has bought the rights to the home videos of Osama Bin Laden, recovered by US Navy SEALs in the al-Qaeda leader’s compound in Pakistan last week.

Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things will air on ITV1 from next Saturday as part of the channel’s new summer lineup, going head-to-head with the BBC’s critically acclaimed Don’t Scare the Hare and Do You Think You Can Fucking Dance?

The programme will be fronted by household favourite Stephen Mulhern and feature never before seen hilarious footage of the recently deceased 9/11 mastermind. One clip, to air this weekend, sees Bin Laden don one of his wive’s burqas and sing “Can’t read my, can’t read my, no he can’t read my burqa face“, in the style of Lady Gaga.

The broadcaster has come under fire, however, from critics who cite Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things as an example of an ongoing trend of ‘dumbing down’.

Gregory Solomons, head of programming at ITV, rejected the criticism, saying the show was part of the company’s “commitment to provide viewers with a diverse schedule, along with long-running favourites You’ve Been Framed, Animals Do the Funniest Things, People Do the Funniest Things, and the forthcoming Gypsies Do The Funniest Things.

“I mean come on, can you honestly tell me that you wouldn’t find Osama Bin Laden slipping over while climbing into his daughter’s paddling pool absolutely hilarious?” He added.

Questions have also been raised by several media pressure groups as to whether it is appropriate to air videos of an infamous terrorist in the form of a family entertainment programme.

Host Stephen Mulhern said he saw no problem in that, and Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things was suitable for the whole family.

He told Seleb Spy: “Osama Bin Laden may have been a murderous psychopath, responsible for the deaths of thousands of civilians – but he also had a real talent for visual comedy.

“Like a bloodthirsty jihadist Charlie Chaplin.”

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British forces to search for Cheryl Cole’s talent in Pakistan

6 May
Cheryl Cole, X Factor, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011

Cheryl Cole listens to her new album for the first time.

BRITISH armed forces are planning a daring operation to enter Pakistan after new intelligence indicated Cheryl Cole’s elusive talent may be hiding there.

The last confirmed sighting of the 27-year-old singer’s talent was in 2002 while she was participating in ITV’s Popstars the Rivals and managed to get through a rendition of Nothing Compares 2 U only sounding slightly awful.

It is believed that her talent went into hiding in early 2003, shortly followed by the loss of her dignity after she beat up a nightclub toilet attendant for the sake of a Chupa Chups.

Cole has since forged a career for herself in Britain as a successful pop star, winning countless awards as well as the hearts of the nation. As part of the band Girls Aloud her missing talent was not a great cause for concern as her vocal inability could be concealed behind stronger singers such as Nadine Coyle. And Sarah Harding, Nicola Roberts and Kimberley Walsh.

However in recent years as the Tyneside native reached the A list her lack of vocal ability and grace has become all the more apparent, first with her appointment to the judging panel on the X Factor, then with the launch of her solo career leading to BRIT award nominations. Even the world’s most advanced auto-tune technology has failed to make her vocals sound acceptable on a low tempo song.

The situation reached crisis point, yesterday, when it was confirmed that Cole would be a judge on the US version of the X Factor which begins filming this month.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times, said that while clinching the coveted American X Factor job was a great triumph for the star, it will inevitably lead to “that awkward moment when American viewers realise that despite being paid to criticise other people’s vocal ability, and singing being her day job, she herself sounds like a deaf 80-year-old with emphysema singing in the shower.”

Amid questions over the appropriateness of launching a potentially costly military operation at a time of swingeing government cuts, defence secretary Liam Fox defended the move saying that it was in the country’s best interests to restore Cheryl Cole’s talent:

“Cheryl is Britain’s greatest national treasure so locating her talent is a matter of national pride – we are about to unleash her on America for fuck’s sake. We should be willing to spend as much time and money as it takes to leave no stone unturned in the search.

“I don’t think we could suffer another Messy Little Raindrops.”

Following the assassination of Osama Bin Laden on Sunday by US Navy SEALs close to the Pakistani capital Islamabad, all eyes have turned to the country, with speculation rife that other fugitives may be in hiding there, including Lord Lucan, Shergar, and Wally.

“We also have intelligence that Madeleine McCann is training for jihad in an al-Qaeda camp in the northern tribal areas.” Fox added.

Amy Childs to Vajazzle Kate Middleton for Royal Wedding

29 Mar

Kate Middleton, Prince William, Royal Wedding, Amy Childs, Vajazzle, The Only Way is Essex, ITV, Seleb Spy, 2011, SelebSpy.com

The Only Way is Essex star Amy Childs has been enlisted by Clarence House to ‘vajazzle’ Kate Middleton for the Royal Wedding, it has been announced.

The glamour model and beautician is credited for bringing the Vajazzle trend – which involves glueing small ‘crystals’ to a lady’s bikini area – to the UK through her use of the procedure on the ITV2 hit reality show.

The royal bride-to-be is reported to be an avid viewer of The Only Way is Essex and developed an interest in the saucy fashion craze after seeing it on the show.

The BBC’s royal correspondent Peter Hunt said: “Amy Childs and her Only Way is Essex co-stars were out at trendy Mayfair nightclub Whiskey Mist at the same time Kate Middleton was there with her friends.

“Kate approached Amy to say how much of a fan of the show she was and mentioned that she secretly would love to get ‘vajazzled’ as a surprise for Prince William.”

A close friend of the couple told Seleb Spy: “Of course, William is yet to see Kate’s English rose, despite having been courting for some ten years he will only be granted that privilege on their wedding night.

“And what a delightful surprise he will get when he sees a charming gem stone decoration in the design of a Union Flag, Big Ben, or something else suitably patriotic.

“Like the White Cliffs of Dover.”

Clarence House confirmed, today, that Childs had accepted its invitation to embellish the royal quim in time for the highly anticipated wedding ceremony on 29th April.

A Clarence House spokesperson said: “Kate is just an ordinary girl like any other. And ordinary girls at the moment are adorning their intimate areas with jewels to provide a pleasant diversion for their male companions.

“I’m sure Princess Diana would have approved. In fact, if she’d have been alive today I’m sure she would have been ‘vajazzled’ herself by now.”

Childs, 20, from Chigwell said she was honoured to have been appointed by the future Queen and that nothing would give her greater pleasure than glueing small pieces of coloured glass to her tuppence.

She added: “It’s quite easy once you get the hang of it – the key is to make sure the crystals are securely fixed to the skin. The last thing you want is any of them coming loose.

“No man wants an errant Vajazzle crystal in his jap’s eye.”

My Family no longer the worst thing on the BBC

9 Mar
Mrs Brown's Boys, Seleb Spy 2011, BBC, My Family

Peter Stringfellow makes a cameo in BBC One's Mrs Brown's Boys. (Picture courtesty of Raidió Teilifaeces Éireann)

THE writers of long-running shitcom My Family have learnt that their show is no longer the worst thing on the BBC.

The alleged comedy had been universally considered the most tedious, unwatchable programme on the BBC since its first series in 2000. However results of a recent survey conducted by the online polling website Interpol have revealed that My Family has been surpassed in dreadfulness by lousy newcomer Mrs Brown’s Boys.

The programme, which has been running in its native Ireland for several years, made its debut on BBC One last month and was met with overwhelming disdain from both critics and viewers.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times said: “I knew Irish TV was shit, ever since I saw Potato or No Potato on RTÉ while staying at the Premier Inn in Dublin for my sister’s hen weekend.

“The player has to choose one of 22 numbered red boxes. If the box they choose contains a potato, they win the potato.

“If the box does not contain a potato, they don’t win a potato.”

Mrs Brown’s Boys centres around a foul-mouthed matriarch – who is played by a man in drag – and her brood of adult children. The actors frequently break the fourth wall, corpse, and forget their lines, all of which is left in the final edit to make the whole show appear as shoddy as possible and as if everyone involved just can’t be arsed with it, because it’s a load of bollocks anyway.

Anderson added: “It’s basically David Walliams’ rubbish transvestite meets Catherine Tate’s Nan meets Miranda, but with the humour of Dick and Dom on an off day.”

My Family writer Max Carr told Seleb Spy that he was devastated to learn he was no longer responsible for the worst programme on the Beeb. He said: “When we started writing My Family ten years ago, we really put our heart and soul into making it as shit as humanly possible.

“We put in those endless scenes of Ben and Susan talking in bed just to make you unintentionally imagine Robert Lindsay sticking his Hornblower in Zoë Wanamaker’s baby-maker.

“But you know, as time goes by and year after year you are voted the worst thing on TV, you get complacent, and think you don’t have to try as hard.

“The next thing you know, you’re overtaken by some Irish tranny who makes Jim Davidson look like a cutting-edge comedian.”

Creative director for the BBC, Alan Yentob, said that as a public service broadcaster, the corporation had a duty to cater to the diverse interests and tastes of the British public, and that included broadcasting class F, utter dross.

He added: “Unfortunately homegrown writers and producers are at the top of their game and we are finding it increasingly difficult to find the kind of shit we require for weekday late evenings. The worst thing we have come up with in recent years is Not Going Out, and although it is awful, we really require a lot worse.

“That’s why we had to look abroad to Irish broadcaster RTÉ; they have all kinds of unimaginable shit programming.

“Have you seen Irish Dancing on Ice? Traditional Irish dancing, but on ice, without skates. The poor sods were slipping all over the place.”

The My Family team were defiant, today, insisting they would do all they could to be more godawful than Mrs Brown’s Boys. Carr said: “In the next series we will be introducing the new character of Ben Harper’s mother. Played by Les Dennis.

“Also we are about to shoot a spin-off sitcom centred around Nick Harper – the gormless elder son from My Family – and his bitch wife and insufferable step-kids from those BT adverts.

“It’s called Home is Where the Hub Is and it’s going to be truly atrocious.”

BBC accused of deceiving viewers after Doctor Who revealed to be staged

22 Feb
Doctor Who, BBC, Seleb Spy, Matt Smith, Karen Gillan, SelebSpy.com

The BBC has come under fire after Doctor Who stars were spotted with scripts, prompting allegations that scenes in the show are staged.

THE BBC has been accused of deceiving viewers after scenes in popular show Doctor Who were allegedly faked.

Viewers are given the impression that they are seeing a fly on the wall documentary about a mysterious and eccentric Time Lord who travels through time and space in a police call box, battling a range of aliens and monsters along the way.

However it has been learnt that scenes in the award-winning programme are in fact staged and feature paid actors, special effects and scripted dialogue.

An insider at the BBC has exclusively revealed to Seleb Spy the true extent of the deception:

  • Rather than taking place on exotic foreign planets, all the action is actually filmed in locations as exciting as the Coal Exchange in Cardiff and a disused quarry.
  • The Doctor’s most popular companion, Rose Tyler, did not disappear into a parallel universe, forever longing for her lost love – She went on to appear in another programme where she felates men for cash.
  • Airbrushing was used to hide Catherine Tate’s unsightly dowdy beard. (The BBC claim they were forced to do this to comply with watershed guidelines on feminine facial hair).

Outraged viewers have blasted the BBC for misleading them and using fakery to add entertainment value to the show and boost ratings.

Doctor Who fan, Sally Anderson from Hull, wrote on the Daily News forums: “I have lost all faith in the BBC! The amount of energy we viewers spend evading paying our Licence fees and this is how they repay us?!

“At least we’ve still got that documentary about the residents of East London to enjoy.”

President of the Clean Up our Nation’s Television campaign, Andrew Clark, said that it was time BBC bosses were held accountable for deceiving their audience.

He added: “Surely the biggest deception here is the fact that the BBC has managed to pass off Doctor Who as Saturday prime-time viewing for adults when actually it’s just a CBBC programme they’ve thrown a load of money at, and would be better suited to the time slot between Tracy Beaker and Blue Peter.”

Fans of Doctor Who spin-off Torchwood can breathe a sigh of relief, however, as the BBC has assured viewers that the programme is 100% real.

Head of BBC Three, Sally Anderson, said: “John Barrowman really is a loud, crass, raving, cum-thirsty homosexual.”

Tabloid press reminds British public that Gypsies are scum

8 Feb
My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, Channel 4, Seleb Spy 2011, SelebSpy.com

The News on Sunday warns that traveller communities are flooding the market with poor quality pegs, and poorer quality women.

THE tabloid press has launched a coordinated attack on traveller communities after becoming concerned about the popularity of Channel 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

The series, which airs on Tuesday evenings, has proven to be a runaway success, with millions of viewers tuning in each week to witness the traveller girls’ enormous, tacky dresses and laugh at their funny little Irish accents.

However the tabloids have been alarmed by an apparent shift in society’s attitude towards the much-maligned Gypsy community as a result of the programme.

A survey by the UK Statistics Bureau conducted last week found that only 71% of respondents would classify Gypsies as ‘vermin’, down from 93% in 2010.

Geraldine Clarkson, a retired school teacher from Bedfordshire, told Seleb Spy: “We have an Irish traveller caravan site near our village. I used to think they were all pikey scum who wanted to steal the lead off my roof.

“But now after watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, I have a better understanding of their culture and traditions, and can see that they basically share the same core values as I do, of family, and community.

“Although I still think they let their young girls dress like dirty little whores.”

Several newspapers responded today by running a pointless front page story about a large Irish traveller family who live in a £1.2 million council-funded house in an affluent area of North London and who, according to neighbours, have been a bit noisy and messy, in order to remind their readers that they should maintain a patriotic level of hatred towards tinkers.

And Muslims, gays, blacks, working mothers, career women, feminists, lesbians, liberals, Germans, the French, and Lady Gaga.

Sally Anderson, deputy editor of the News on Sunday, told Seleb Spy: “Forget the historic protests in Egypt that threaten to destabilise the whole region and lead to one of the largest countries in the Arab world being taken over by Islamists.

“The most newsworthy story at the moment is about a neighbourly dispute that in no way affects anyone other than the few people who happen to live on that street.

“The point is that everyone must remember that travellers are disgusting scum who will poorly tarmac your driveway, steal and eat your cat and erect a shanty town of caravans on your front lawn given the chance.”

Shirley McPhannie, leader of the North London Traveller Community Centre, told Seleb Spy: “I am unable to comment on the story running in some of today’s papers about the traveller family living in Muswell Hill.

“Because I can’t read.”

EASTENDERS EXCLUSIVE: Tiffany Dean’s Drawing

20 Jan

Tiffany Dean, EastEnders, Carol Jackson, Connor, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com 2011

SELEB SPY can exclusively reveal the picture Tiffany Dean drew of her grandmother getting shafted by a well hung young black man in EastEnders.

In scenes broadcast earlier this week in BBC One’s flagship soap opera, seven-year-old Tiffany is left traumatised after accidentally witnessing her grandmother, Carol Jackson, in a moment of passion with her toyboy, Connor, who is also seeing her step sister at the same time.

Or something.

As Carol tells Tiffany to keep what she saw a secret, the little girl resorts to drawing a series of explicit pictures of the encounter.

Tiffany’s mother, Bianca, later finds the shocking drawings, which were to be shown on-screen during Tuesday night’s episode.

However producers decided to cut the shots showing the pictures, as they were deemed too explicit for the pre-watershed time slot and risked incurring the wrath of a Daily Mail “BAN THIS SICK FILTH” headline and thousands of complaints to OfCom.

But an insider at the BBC has leaked one of the pictures to Seleb Spy after they were found in the EastEnders props department.

He said: “Obviously they weren’t actually drawn by a seven-year-old girl.

“That task was left to some sad gay with too much time on his hands.”

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