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The Saturdays and Sugababes to be nationalised

16 Sep
The Saturdays and George Osborne

The Saturdays and Chancellor George Osborne were spotted together earlier this year.

SPECULATION mounted today that stricken girl bands The Saturdays and the Sugababes will be nationalised and merged into one ‘super group’, at the British taxpayer’s expense.

The global economic crisis and the growth of music piracy have seen the two groups’ chart positions tumble in recent months. The Sugababes’ latest album, Sweet 7, only reached number 14 on the UK album chart, while The Saturdays last offering did not fair much better. Analysts warn that both groups are on the verge of being dropped by their record labels.

Sean Markus, entertainment editor of the Financial Times said: “The Sugababes and The Saturdays are simply too big to fail; if they were dropped by their record companies, it would be disastrous for the British music industry and the wider economy. The Saturdays are the faces of the Impulse antiperspirant brand and the Sugababes are the new faces of Femfresh intimate wipes. If both groups are dropped, it would send shockwaves across the feminine hygiene industry unseen since the 1996 Tena Lady riots.”

The groups are expected to receive government funding from the Bank of England in the coming days to cover mounting debts owed to tanning salons, stylists and designers.

Sally Gerine, founder of the TanGerine tanning salon chain said: “Both The Saturdays and the Sugbabes are regulars at branches of our tanning salons. Both groups have wracked up huge unpaid balances on their accounts and as yet we’ve not received a penny. Do know how much fake tan we need to use to cover Heidi Range’s face? If they don’t pay up soon the whole company will go bust.”

The extra cash will also be used to pay for a nightly minibus that will chauffeur the Sugaturds – as the combined group is tipped to be called – around several trendy celebrity nightspots such as Whisky Mist and Mahiki so the girls can fall out of the back seat onto the pavement, flash their knickers and maybe a bit of minge to the waiting paparazzi before getting straight back in and being whisked off to the next venue to do the same.

The bailout will likely come with conditions attached, however. Polly Anderson from the London School of Ecnomics said: “Cuts and streamlining within the new group will likely be expected by the government in the event of any financial assistance being provided. Basically they will need to chuck the chunky one from the Saturdays, and draw their new album artwork themselves using felt tip pens and glitter-glue.”

Pop music investors have cautiously greeted the news. “I like the Sugababes and I like The Saturdays,” said Tiffany Watson, 11, from Hull.

“But I like Justin Bieber more. He makes my fanny tingle.”


The Saturdays launch lubricant range

13 Sep
The Saturdays

Wet 'n' Wild - The Saturdays (L-R Frankie, Una, Mollie, Rochelle, Vanessa) launch their lubricant range Saturday Nights.

GIRL BAND The Saturdays launched their new range of sexual lubricants today in Anne Summers on London’s Oxford Street. Their venture into a more adult market comes days after X-Factor runners-up JLS brought out a range of branded condoms.

The lubricant range, called Saturday Nights, features five unique varieties, each personally inspired by one of the members of the band and featuring their image on the bottle.

Mollie’s Posh Sex Lube – lavender and jojoba scented light lubricant
Rochelle’s Rough Play Lube – containing a light local anaesthetic for more vigorous lovers
Una’s Irish Catholic Lube – designed for married couples, not latex safe
Frankie’s Anal Pleasure Lube especially formulated for anal sex
Vanessa’s Solo Fun Lube – especially formulated for masturbation

Frankie Sandford from The Saturday’s said: “We are all really proud of the Saturday Nights range! I think it’s important to empower young women to enjoy their bodies and to enjoy sex. And good lubrication is essential for good sex.” Bandmate Rochelle Wiseman added: “I like it when it slips in me nice and easy”

The lubricant range has been well received by The Saturdays’ fans. Kelly Marsh, 10, who had travelled to London from Rexham with her mother said: “I’ve bought the whole set!” although then admitted: “I don’t really know what they’re for…”

“I think they are drinks?”

Saturday Nights lubricants are available now at Anne Summers and Look out for a free sample sachet in this month’s edition of Sugar magazine.

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