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British forces to search for Cheryl Cole’s talent in Pakistan

6 May
Cheryl Cole, X Factor, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011

Cheryl Cole listens to her new album for the first time.

BRITISH armed forces are planning a daring operation to enter Pakistan after new intelligence indicated Cheryl Cole’s elusive talent may be hiding there.

The last confirmed sighting of the 27-year-old singer’s talent was in 2002 while she was participating in ITV’s Popstars the Rivals and managed to get through a rendition of Nothing Compares 2 U only sounding slightly awful.

It is believed that her talent went into hiding in early 2003, shortly followed by the loss of her dignity after she beat up a nightclub toilet attendant for the sake of a Chupa Chups.

Cole has since forged a career for herself in Britain as a successful pop star, winning countless awards as well as the hearts of the nation. As part of the band Girls Aloud her missing talent was not a great cause for concern as her vocal inability could be concealed behind stronger singers such as Nadine Coyle. And Sarah Harding, Nicola Roberts and Kimberley Walsh.

However in recent years as the Tyneside native reached the A list her lack of vocal ability and grace has become all the more apparent, first with her appointment to the judging panel on the X Factor, then with the launch of her solo career leading to BRIT award nominations. Even the world’s most advanced auto-tune technology has failed to make her vocals sound acceptable on a low tempo song.

The situation reached crisis point, yesterday, when it was confirmed that Cole would be a judge on the US version of the X Factor which begins filming this month.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times, said that while clinching the coveted American X Factor job was a great triumph for the star, it will inevitably lead to “that awkward moment when American viewers realise that despite being paid to criticise other people’s vocal ability, and singing being her day job, she herself sounds like a deaf 80-year-old with emphysema singing in the shower.”

Amid questions over the appropriateness of launching a potentially costly military operation at a time of swingeing government cuts, defence secretary Liam Fox defended the move saying that it was in the country’s best interests to restore Cheryl Cole’s talent:

“Cheryl is Britain’s greatest national treasure so locating her talent is a matter of national pride – we are about to unleash her on America for fuck’s sake. We should be willing to spend as much time and money as it takes to leave no stone unturned in the search.

“I don’t think we could suffer another Messy Little Raindrops.”

Following the assassination of Osama Bin Laden on Sunday by US Navy SEALs close to the Pakistani capital Islamabad, all eyes have turned to the country, with speculation rife that other fugitives may be in hiding there, including Lord Lucan, Shergar, and Wally.

“We also have intelligence that Madeleine McCann is training for jihad in an al-Qaeda camp in the northern tribal areas.” Fox added.

Stacey Solomon inherits the One Prawn Ring

24 Apr
Stacey Solomon, Iceland, Prawn Ring, King Prawn Ring, Kerry Katona, Seleb Spy, SelebSpy.com 2011, X Factor

One Prawn Ring to rule them all, One Prawn Ring to find them. One Prawn Ring to tempt them all, One Prawn Ring only £2

STACEY Solomon has become the latest bearer of the One Prawn Ring and now holds all the power in the kingdom of Iceland, Seleb Spy has learnt.

The One Prawn Ring was forged from the finest North Atlantic King Prawns by the dark sorceress Coleen Nolan in the Second Age to consolidate her power as the Queen of Iceland and her dominance over all the working class mothers in the realm.

The seafood treasure holds immense power, more so than any other delicious Iceland party snack, even the Tex Mex Platter and Mini Hot Dogs.

Solomon has inherited the fishy halo from former Prawn Ring-bearer Kerry of Katona, who lost possession in 2009 after becoming dangerously addicted to its accompanying seafood sauce.

Kerry had once been a great, respected person – member of critically-acclaimed girl group Atomic Kitten, Celebrity Mum of the Year, panelist on Loose Women, Queen of all of Icelandbut over the years her obsession with the One Prawn Ring transformed her into a twisted, incoherent creature dwelling in a cave in Warrington.

Kerry Katona, Prawn Ring, Gollum, Sele Spy, SelebSpy.com, 2011She said she was devastated to learn the One Prawn Ring had a new owner: “We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Solomonses. Wicked, tricksy, false!

“Fooking little bastards!”

New Prawn Ring-bearer Solomon, who hails from the distant land of Dagenham, told Seleb Spy: “I can’t eat prawns, they ain’t kosher.”

Colonel Gaddafi hires Cheryl Cole’s PR company to improve his image

25 Feb

Colonel Gadaffi, Libya, Kerry Katona, Cheryl Cole, Seleb Spy 2011, Selebspy.com

EMBATTLED Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi has enlisted the PR company of British singer Cheryl Cole to improve his tarnished reputation as his regime’s grip on power weakens.

The 68-year-old has ruled the North African country with an iron fist for 42 years following a coup in 1969, however the huge protests of the last fortnight have seen all but the capital fall into the hands of opposition forces.

Seleb Spy has now learnt that Gaddafi has hired SuperDynamic, the PR company that transformed Cheryl Cole from a violent, racist chav with questionable vocal abilities into a national treasure and pop superstar with questionable vocal abilities.

Andrew Clark, entertainment editor of the Financial Times, said that SuperDynamic was widely regarded as one of the best PR companies in the world, capable of turning around the careers of even the most loathed figures.

“I mean, just a few years ago who would have imagined that Alan and Maxine Carr’s Celebrity Chinwag would become the most watched show on British television?” he added.

Earlier this week Colonel Gaddafi sought to ingratiate himself with Libya’s youth by making a bizarre Lady Gaga-inspired television appearance from the back of a car, holding an umbrella and wearing a hat with ear-flaps.

He said: “The protesters are rats! All my Little Monsters, you are so beautiful, you should grab any heavy object you can find and go out onto the streets and smash those fucking protesters’ heads in until their limp bodies are twitching on the ground.

“Paws up!”

SuperDynamic founder and PR guru Sally Anderson told Seleb Spy: “Colonel Gaddafi – or Colonel G Man as he would now prefer to be known – knows that he has made some mistakes.

“Like the Lockerbie bombing and ordering the army to launch air attacks on his own country’s civilian population.

“But who hasn’t done that? He’s only human after all, we all make mistakes sometimes.”

It is expected that the eccentric despot will make a series of high-profile public appearances at events around the world in the coming days, including the Oscars, and also do several magazine features.

Rumours are also circulating that Gaddafi is set to pip Cheryl Cole to the post and take one of the coveted seats on the American X Factor judging panel this autumn.

Anderson said: “Colonel G Man would be ideal for the US X Factor role. He would bring constructive criticism, the wisdom of age and botoxed glamour to the table. He’s like Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue all rolled into one.

“Also, Colonel G Man is a Bedouin – a nomadic people who traditionally live in tents. So we’re going to try to get him on the next series of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding as well.”

SuperDynamic were not concerned about signing up such a controversial figure and were delighted that the troubled leader chose to approach them, she said.

“Colonel Gaddafi may be a tyrannical dictator who has been accused of killing and torturing thousands, and of having amassed a huge multi-billion dollar fortune while the majority of his country lived in abject poverty.

“But he has never been accused of racially abusing a nightclub toilet attendant just because she wouldn’t give him a Chupa Chup.”

The company has nevertheless been heavily criticised for associating with Gaddafi, whom the international community are threatening to charge with war crimes for his bloody crack-down on the Libyan protests, and his dreadful dress sense.

British prime minister David Cameron said this morning: “I think it is appalling that SuperDynamic PR would choose to work with such a morally bankrupt and despicable person, who has caused such unimaginable suffering.

“I mean, did you see that poor toilet attendant’s black eye?”

EU forces Ireland to humiliate itself at Eurovision

15 Feb
Jedward, John and Edward Grimes, Eurovision 2011, Düsseldorf, Germany, Angela Merkel, Seleb Spy 2011, SelebSpy.com

John & Edward had initially declined to represent their country at Eurovision, but for reasons that remain unclear, had a sudden change of heart .

IRELAND has been forced by the European Union to select irritating X Factor twins Jedward as its representative for this year’s Eurovision song contest, as punishment for having its economy bailed out.

The initiative, led by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, is aimed at discouraging other states from seeing the stronger economies of the EU as a safety net to rescue them when they spend all their money on building stadiums for pointless international sporting events rather than making sure they have enough money pay salaries and pensions.

Merkel said: “Basically, we Germans are getting a bit pissed off at having to constantly give money to countries run by people who don’t seem to understand the simple concept that it’s not a good idea to spend more money than you have.

“And maybe if those bloody Spaniards didn’t sleep so much during the day and actually did some work they wouldn’t be on the brink of financial ruin.

“We need to make an example of the countries whose economies have been bailed out by the EU, in order to discourage other states from seeing it as an easy way out.”

This year’s Eurovision song contest was chosen as an appropriate setting for Ireland’s humiliation, as it will be held in the German city of Düsseldorf, and the Irish are famed for their love of music and success at the competition.

Seleb Spy has learnt that not only has the EU forced Ireland to send the odious twins – real names John and Edward Grimes – to Düsseldorf, but it has also dictated the staging, choreography and wardrobe of their performance.

According to an insider at Eurovision organisers the European Broadcasting Union, the twins will sing while performing a traditional Irish dance, dressed as leprechauns. The audience will be encouraged to pelt them with potatoes and coins, as a representation of the EU’s bail-out of the Irish economy.

The EU has similarly forced Greece, which also received emergency financial assistance, to be represented by a fat man who will spend the three-minute performance smashing plates and shouting ‘Opa!’ while in the background a young man dressed as a waiter fingers a drunken middle-aged British tourist called Pam.

Irish national broadcaster RTÉ confirmed, today, that it would be sending Jedward to Eurovision as a result of “external pressure”, sparking outrage across the country.

Sally O’Neil, entertainment editor of the Irish Financial Times, blasted the decision as “the worst thing to happen to Ireland since the potato famine.”

Meanwhile, Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams said: “I think Eurovision night will be the first time that the entire population of Northern Ireland will be unanimously happy that they are citizens of the United Kingdom, myself included.

“Sorry, Blue, you say?!

“Maybe not, then.”

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: Cheryl Cole video game unveiled

30 Jan

SELEB SPY exclusively brings you the first footage of the long-awaited video game Super Cheryl World for the Nintendo Wii.

In the game, produced by Newcastle based developers TyneSoft, players guide national treasure Cheryl Cole through the North East of England on her journey to rescue Geordie legend Paul Gascoigne who has been wrongly imprisoned in a mental asylum.

Geoffrey Clark from TyneSoft told Seleb Spy: “As the leading software developers in the North East, we really wanted to create a truly local game, capturing the Geordie spirit.

“Our first idea was a first-person shooter featuring Ant and Dec.

“Imagine Call of Duty, but instead of it being the Americans versus the Russians,  it is supporters of Newcastle FC against supporters of Sunderland.

“And rather than battling in a top-secret Russian nuclear facility, all the action takes place in a run-down pub in South Shields.

“And instead of using super powerful weapons like an AK47, the characters use broken bottles and their bare fists.”

TyneSoft ultimately decided that Ant & Dec’s Football Pub Brawl was too similar to Call of Duty and did not want to risk being sued for copyright infringement, so instead chose to develop  a Cheryl Cole based video game.

Clark said: “Cheryl Cole really is a brilliant ambassador for Newcastle as she truly represents what it is to be a Geordie lass.

“She is beautiful, independent, tenacious and strong-willed.

“And has a tendency to become extremely violent when drunk.”

Super Cheryl World has been developed using the most powerful design software available in the county of Tyne & Wear and, as this exclusive footage demonstrates, really pushes the Nintendo Wii’s graphical capabilities to the limit.

TyneSoft had hoped the game would appeal to the whole family, however were left disappointed after the British Board of Film Classifications issued Super Cheryl World with an 18 certificate.

Sally Anderson from the BBFC said: “We understand that Cheryl Cole is loved by everyone, young and old, so the game will appeal to players of all ages.

“However the amount of racist language and racially aggravated violence in the game means we have had no choice but to prohibit its sale to children.

“The ‘Louis Walsh’s dressing room’ level is particularly shocking.

“I’ve never seen fisting in a computer game before.”

Super Cheryl World is available to buy from 1st May.

Jack Straw: Young white girls ‘easy meat’ for TV talent show producers

12 Jan
Cher Lloyd, X Factor 2010, Seleb Spy 2011

Cry me a river - Jack Straw has accused Simon Cowell of exploiting young white girls like Cher Lloyd (above).

FORMER home secretary Jack Straw has sparked outrage by saying that producers of television talent shows see white girls as easy meat for exploitation.

The Blackburn MP was speaking after vulnerable X Factor contestant Cher Lloyd had a mental breakdown and threw her own excrement at the audience at a recent performance in Hull, following months of mental abuse at the hands of Simon Cowell.

He said there was a “specific problem” where middle-aged, high waist-banded men who run TV talent shows “target vulnerable white girls” to make bucket loads of cash for themselves.

He said: “Because they’re vulnerable they ply them with compliments and say they are ‘relevant’ and ‘current’ and ‘right up my street’, they give them nice clothes, and introduce them to shoddy American rappers, and then of course they’re trapped.

“The next thing these girls know, they are being degraded in the most unspeakable ways.

“Like having their vocal abilities judged by Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue on prime time TV on a weekly basis.”

But Ralph Marcus of the Television Producers Union said it was not a problem specific to the industry and it was wrong to stereotype a whole profession.

He said: “I would go as far as to say that exploitation of young women is not a problem in television in general.

“Rather the opposite, it acts as a means for girls to empower themselves.

“For example, the new programme I am currently producing for BBC 3, Teen Mum Island, which sees ten young single mothers going back to basics on an uninhabited Pacific island, spending the whole time in bikinis, with the sun reflecting off their silky smooth skin as they cavort around on the beach splashing each other with water, is very empowering.

“Did I mention that it’s hosted by Fearne Cotton?”

ITV, which produces the X Factor, rejected the politician’s claims, branding them “ridiculous”.

A spokesperson said: “We exploit all young people equally, regardless of gender, race, and sexual orientation.

Meanwhile Straw’s remarks were welcomed, today, by the British National Party, outspoken critics of the mainstream media.

BNP spokesperson Mohammed Saddiq told Seleb Spy: “Mr Straw has simply repeated what we have been saying for years: These television producers come over here and take our jobs and exploit our daughters.

“They should go back to where they came from.

“Or something.”

Simon Cowell, who was singled out by Straw for criticism, dismissed the accusations as “rubbish, potentially”.

He said: “I absolutely do not exploit young white girls.

“Do you like my new car, by the way? It has zero carbon emissions.

“It’s powered by Katie Waissel’s tears.”

Jay-Z attempts to return Cher Lloyd to Primark

1 Jan

Cher Lloyd, Jaz-Z, X Factor, Seleb Spy 2011JAY-Z has attempted to return X Factor contestant Cher Lloyd to Primark after admitting he had been expecting the legendary diva Cher.

The music industry was left shocked when the US hip hop star announced he had acquired 32 year-old recovering crystal meth addict Cher Lloyd this week.

Since the X Factor concluded in December rumours had been circulating that Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.i.am was interested in signing the unstable contestant.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times told Seleb Spy:

“Will.i.am is in the market for a pram-faced wench to replace Fergie as she is getting on a bit, and is frankly quite off-putting to watch.

“After meeting Cher on the X Factor he immediately knew she would be perfect for the job of a marginally attractive frontwoman with questionable vocal abilities.”

However a spokesperson from Jay-Z’s record label Roc Nation confirmed  today that the New York-based rapper believed it was 64 year-old pop legend Cher on offer and not a malnourished street urchin from the Midlands.

He said: “Jay had heard talk of Will.i.am signing Cher and assumed it was the Cher.

“You know, ‘Do you belieeeeeeeeve in life after luuuuurv.’

“He did think it was a bit of a bargain and hadn’t heard of this ‘Primark’ record label before, but sent a representative over to England anyway to make the purchase before Will got in there first.”

It is understood that Jay-Z has since tried to return Lloyd to the Worcester branch of Primark explaining the mix-up. However staff have refused to accept the return claiming Lloyd is damaged goods.

Manager of Primark Worcester Georgina Clank told Seleb Spy: “We’ve seen it all; people trying to return ripped dresses, soiled underwear, broken shoes.

“And mentally fucked-up wannabe ghetto princesses.

“There is a Sue Ryder Care shop down the road if Mr Z would like to dispose of Miss Lloyd.

“They are always willing to take any old unwanted crap.”

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