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ITV to screen Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things

"This one time, at jihad camp..."

ITV has bought the rights to the home videos of Osama Bin Laden, recovered by US Navy SEALs in the al-Qaeda leader’s compound in Pakistan last week.

Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things will air on ITV1 from next Saturday as part of the channel’s new summer lineup, going head-to-head with the BBC’s critically acclaimed Don’t Scare the Hare and Do You Think You Can Fucking Dance?

The programme will be fronted by household favourite Stephen Mulhern and feature never before seen hilarious footage of the recently deceased 9/11 mastermind. One clip, to air this weekend, sees Bin Laden don one of his wive’s burqas and sing “Can’t read my, can’t read my, no he can’t read my burqa face“, in the style of Lady Gaga.

The broadcaster has come under fire, however, from critics who cite Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things as an example of an ongoing trend of ‘dumbing down’.

Gregory Solomons, head of programming at ITV, rejected the criticism, saying the show was part of the company’s “commitment to provide viewers with a diverse schedule, along with long-running favourites You’ve Been Framed, Animals Do the Funniest Things, People Do the Funniest Things, and the forthcoming Gypsies Do The Funniest Things.

“I mean come on, can you honestly tell me that you wouldn’t find Osama Bin Laden slipping over while climbing into his daughter’s paddling pool absolutely hilarious?” He added.

Questions have also been raised by several media pressure groups as to whether it is appropriate to air videos of an infamous terrorist in the form of a family entertainment programme.

Host Stephen Mulhern said he saw no problem in that, and Bin Laden Does the Funniest Things was suitable for the whole family.

He told Seleb Spy: “Osama Bin Laden may have been a murderous psychopath, responsible for the deaths of thousands of civilians – but he also had a real talent for visual comedy.

“Like a bloodthirsty jihadist Charlie Chaplin.”

British forces to search for Cheryl Cole’s talent in Pakistan

Cheryl Cole listens to her new album for the first time.

BRITISH armed forces are planning a daring operation to enter Pakistan after new intelligence indicated Cheryl Cole’s elusive talent may be hiding there.

The last confirmed sighting of the 27-year-old singer’s talent was in 2002 while she was participating in ITV’s Popstars the Rivals and managed to get through a rendition of Nothing Compares 2 U only sounding slightly awful.

It is believed that her talent went into hiding in early 2003, shortly followed by the loss of her dignity after she beat up a nightclub toilet attendant for the sake of a Chupa Chups.

Cole has since forged a career for herself in Britain as a successful pop star, winning countless awards as well as the hearts of the nation. As part of the band Girls Aloud her missing talent was not a great cause for concern as her vocal inability could be concealed behind stronger singers such as Nadine Coyle. And Sarah Harding, Nicola Roberts and Kimberley Walsh.

However in recent years as the Tyneside native reached the A list her lack of vocal ability and grace has become all the more apparent, first with her appointment to the judging panel on the X Factor, then with the launch of her solo career leading to BRIT award nominations. Even the world’s most advanced auto-tune technology has failed to make her vocals sound acceptable on a low tempo song.

The situation reached crisis point, yesterday, when it was confirmed that Cole would be a judge on the US version of the X Factor which begins filming this month.

Sally Anderson, entertainment editor of the Financial Times, said that while clinching the coveted American X Factor job was a great triumph for the star, it will inevitably lead to “that awkward moment when American viewers realise that despite being paid to criticise other people’s vocal ability, and singing being her day job, she herself sounds like a deaf 80-year-old with emphysema singing in the shower.”

Amid questions over the appropriateness of launching a potentially costly military operation at a time of swingeing government cuts, defence secretary Liam Fox defended the move saying that it was in the country’s best interests to restore Cheryl Cole’s talent:

“Cheryl is Britain’s greatest national treasure so locating her talent is a matter of national pride – we are about to unleash her on America for fuck’s sake. We should be willing to spend as much time and money as it takes to leave no stone unturned in the search.

“I don’t think we could suffer another Messy Little Raindrops.”

Following the assassination of Osama Bin Laden on Sunday by US Navy SEALs close to the Pakistani capital Islamabad, all eyes have turned to the country, with speculation rife that other fugitives may be in hiding there, including Lord Lucan, Shergar, and Wally.

“We also have intelligence that Madeleine McCann is training for jihad in an al-Qaeda camp in the northern tribal areas.” Fox added.

Adele buys stake in Greggs the bakers

(Sausage) Rolling in the Deep (Fryer) - Adele has bought shares in Newcastle based Greggs the bakers.

BRIT singer Adele has bought a 5% stake in high street bakery chain Greggs after taking financial advice on how to invest her mounting fortune, Seleb Spy has learnt.

The (Sausage) Rolling in the Deep (Fryer) singer is having a hugely succesful year, with second album 21 spending several weeks at the top of the charts on both sides of the Atlantic.

She also made UK chart history this week after her debut album 19 – originally released in 2008 – shot back up to the number two spot. Both albums take their titles from the singer’s dress size at the time of recording.

As the royalties came rolling in in their millions, the 22-year-old North Londoner sought financial advice on how best to invest her growing wealth.

The songstress said: “Up until recently I’d just been putting all my earnings into the Nationwide CashBuilder account I opened when I was twelve.

“They gave me a free Ashanti CD and a pen.”

Sally Anderson of Katona Asset Management told Seleb Spy: “Financial advisors normally suggest that celebrities invest in industries they are interested in.

“Adele just loves meat of dubious origin baked in puff pastry, so Greggs the bakers was the obvious investment opportunity.”

Adele is part of a growing trend of investors investing in baked goods, attracted by the rising price of grain, Anderson said.

“Shrewd investors are turning away from traditional favourites gold and silver and moving their money into more lucrative emerging commodities like sausage rolls and Cornish pasties.” She added.

The BRIT Award winner said she was excited to be venturing into the stock market and was already eyeing up her next investment opportunity:

“My financial advisor told me it’s a good idea to diversify your investments to minimise the risk of loosing money if one sector takes a beating.

“So I am going to buy shares in Percy Ingle as well. As my mum says: ‘Don’t put all your pasties in one basket.'”

Cliff Richard records Christian cover of Lady Gaga’s Judas for Easter

LEGENDARY British singer Sir Cliff Richard has released a cover version of Lady Gaga’s new single Judas in time for Easter.

The devout Christian has reworked the controversial song’s lyrics and given it the new title I’m in Love with Jesus to make it appropriate for this holiest time of the year.

Sir Cliff, 70, has previously criticised the song – in which Lady Gaga confesses her love for Judas, whose betrayal led to Jesus’s execution – as he felt its release during the run-up to Easter  was insensitive and offensive to Christians.

He said in an interview with Christian newspaper The Daily Bread earlier this month that the 25-year-old American star had made a “conscious decision to offend Christians around the world during the time of the year most important to them” and urged churchgoers not to buy her latest single or allow their children to do so.

Later, realising that a boycott of the immensely popular songstress’ music was futile, Sir Cliff had an epiphany, and came up with the idea to record his own version of the song, but with an added powerful Easter message.

“I was sitting in the living room with my companion John, watching The Only Way is Essex on the television, and suddenly the idea popped into my head! I should record a Christian cover of Judas and release it on Easter Sunday.

“It was as if God himself had whispered it in my ear.” He said.

The crooner’s new version of Judas – released yesterday on Rejoice Records – includes the chorus:

I’m just a Holy fool, but He is never cruel,
I’m so in love with Jesus, baby.
He died for my sins, and rose to live again,
I’m so in love with Jesus, baby.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, I’m in love with Jesus, Jesus 
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, so in love with Jesus, Jesus 

An accompanying music video has also been filmed, which features Sir Cliff wandering through the streets of Jerusalem’s Old City followed by a group of adoring nuns. NME have hailed the video as the singer’s best since Millennium Prayer in 1999.

The lifelong bachelor, who is close friends with Cilla Black, Dale Winton and Paul O’Grady has released several songs with a religious theme during his career of more than 50 years, including Mistletoe and Wine, Saviour’s Day, Millennium Prayer, and Proud Virgin Mary.

I’m in Love with Jesus is available to download now on iTunes, with all proceeds going to Christian Aid.

Stacey Solomon inherits the One Prawn Ring

One Prawn Ring to rule them all, One Prawn Ring to find them. One Prawn Ring to tempt them all, One Prawn Ring only £2

STACEY Solomon has become the latest bearer of the One Prawn Ring and now holds all the power in the kingdom of Iceland, Seleb Spy has learnt.

The One Prawn Ring was forged from the finest North Atlantic King Prawns by the dark sorceress Coleen Nolan in the Second Age to consolidate her power as the Queen of Iceland and her dominance over all the working class mothers in the realm.

The seafood treasure holds immense power, more so than any other delicious Iceland party snack, even the Tex Mex Platter and Mini Hot Dogs.

Solomon has inherited the fishy halo from former Prawn Ring-bearer Kerry of Katona, who lost possession in 2009 after becoming dangerously addicted to its accompanying seafood sauce.

Kerry had once been a great, respected person – member of critically-acclaimed girl group Atomic Kitten, Celebrity Mum of the Year, panelist on Loose Women, Queen of all of Iceland – but over the years her obsession with the One Prawn Ring transformed her into a twisted, incoherent creature dwelling in a cave in Warrington.

She said she was devastated to learn the One Prawn Ring had a new owner: “We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Solomonses. Wicked, tricksy, false!

“Fooking little bastards!”

New Prawn Ring-bearer Solomon, who hails from the distant land of Dagenham, told Seleb Spy: “I can’t eat prawns, they ain’t kosher.”

EUROVISION 2011: Don’t Mention the War, the BBC tells Lee Ryan

THE BBC has warned Blue singer Lee Ryan to be on his best behaviour at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest in Düsseldorf, amid fears he will make anti-German jokes and insensitive comments about the war.

The Beeb is understood to have become concerned after the singer –whose group Blue is representing the United Kingdom in the contest – started singing the theme song to Dad’s Army at a press conference last week. He also referred to the reigning Eurovision champion, Lena Meyer-Landrut, as “that kraut bird what won it last year.”

The 27-year-old singer, who suffers from dyslexia and clinical stupidity, has a long history of making unfortunate comments, most notably his infamous remark in the wake of the September 11th terrorist attacks: “Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed?”

The UK delegation is desperate to avoid any further embarrassment following bandmate Antony Costa’s public urination incident in February, and is taking no chances on Ryan putting his foot in his mouth and causing offence in Germany.

Paul Felcher from website EurovisionToday.com said: “The UK is highly regarded at Eurovision for sending some of our finest musical talent like Scooch, Jemini, Nicki French and that bin man off the X Factor.

“We can’t afford to have that reputation damaged by a chubby man with a weak bladder and his half-witted friend.”

A source at the BBC has leaked the full list of rules that have been provided to Ryan ahead of May’s Eurovision final:

• No mimicking the German accent
• No Nazi salutes
• No mention of the war or Hitler
• No mention of 1966
• No use of the terms ‘Kraut’, ‘Hun’, ‘Fritz’, ‘Jerry’ or ‘Rhine Monkey’
• No mention of sun loungers and towels
• No singing Run Rabbit Run
• No sexually suggestive comments about Angela Merkel

Asked to comment on the BBC’s warning, Ryan said: “Hitler has only got one ball, the other is in the Albert Hall.”

Katie Price preparing to divorce Leandro Penna

BRITAIN’S best-selling author, Katie Price, is making preparations to divorce her toyboy lover Leandro Penna, Seleb Spy can exclusively reveal.

The animated sex doll is not yet married to the 25-year-old Argentinian hunk but has already instructed her lawyers to prepare for the inevitable divorce proceedings.

Publicity-shy Price, 32, was spotted with a ring on her engagement finger this week and is said to be desperate to wed Penna as soon as possible. However, she was horrified to learn it would be illegal for her to get re-married before she finalises her divorce from current husband, Alex Reid.

A source close to the glamour model claims she has also ordered her lawyers to attempt to find any legal loopholes permitting bigamy in cases where one partner needs to get re-married for an ITV2 reality show they have scheduled and hasn’t got time to get divorced from their current spouse.

“Apparently there is no legal precedent for that, so it could go to the High Court.” Our spy said.

Price took to social networking site Twitter, last week, to vent her frustration at the current anti-bigamy laws: “I just don’t see what the problem is with a bit of an overlap. I mean, I signed up to my new Vodaphone contract a few weeks before my old O2 contract was finished.

“How is marriage any different?”

In order to avoid enduring the same inconvenience when the time comes to divorce new beau Penna, Jordan is having her legal team fill in as much paperwork as they can now, with the aim of being able to finalise the divorce within six months after tying the knot.

The couple have been inseparable since meeting at Sir Elton John’s post-Oscar party in February this year, despite neither being able to speak the other’s language. Price has said she is keen to learn her lover’s native Spanish, and is currently studying the packaging of her Old El Paso Fajita Kit very carefully, and listening to Geri Halliwell’s Mi Chico Latino every day.

The model – whose last single Free to Love Again broke a UK record after staying at the top of the charts for nine consecutive weeks – was due to run the London Marathon, yesterday, in aid of her favourite charity, the Katie Price Foundation for Katie Price, however had to pull out at the last minute after doctors warned it could cause complications with her recent vaginal reconstructive surgery.

Give your mum a John Barrowman CD for Mother’s Day, says the Archbishop of Canterbury

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has suggested that you give your mother an album recorded by celebrated homosexual John Barrowman this Mother’s Day.

Dr Rowan Williams said the Church of England needed to move with the times and recognise that twenty-first century mothers simply had no interest in flowers and would much rather receive a CD of a brash gay man shouting some well-known songs at the top of his voice.

He also called on Anglican parishes across Britain to shelve the tradition of children giving flowers to the mothers in the congregation during today’s Mothering Sunday services, and instead have them distribute copies of the flamboyant Scottish-American actor and singer’s new album Spring’s Here, It’s Queer, Get Used to It.

In addition, he suggested the communion of red wine and wheat wafers be replaced by a double-vodka and diet coke and a sniff of a bottle of ‘room aroma’.

Traditionalists in the Church of England were reluctant to follow the new guidelines issued by the Archbishop, and insisted that while they recognised the need for the Church to update its image and adapt to modern British society, promoting John Barrowman was a step too far.

Reverend Malcolm Green, 64, from St. Beyoncé’s church in Hull said: “It’s not because John Barrowman is a gentleman who prefers the company of other gentlemen that we disapprove of his work.

“I mean, I love getting my hole ploughed as much as the next man. I, like many others, are against associating John Barrowman with Mothering Sunday because he’s an annoying cunt.”

Parishioners have been more welcoming of Williams’s advice, with music retailer HMV reporting a surge in demand for Barrowman’s albums as well as his fitness DVD Power Bottom Yourself Thin.

Church-goer and friend of Jesus, Sally Anderson wrote on the Daily News messageboard that she had heeded the Archbishop’s advice:

“Normally I just get my mum some flowers from a petrol station, or when money’s tight, from the local cemetery. But this year I’ve bought her the John Barrowman CD.

I’ve had a listen myself and I really like it – my favourite songs are  Diamonds are Forever, But a Pearl Necklace is just for One Night and These Boots were Made for Lickin’. Mum’s going to love it!

John Barrowman said he was delighted to have been endorsed by the leader of the world’s 80 million Anglican worshipers:

“I have always had a great respect for the Church and what it represents. I mean there’s nothing hotter than a vicar; I met a really cute one once on Grindr.

“He gave me a golden baptism.”

Amy Childs to Vajazzle Kate Middleton for Royal Wedding

The Only Way is Essex star Amy Childs has been enlisted by Clarence House to ‘vajazzle’ Kate Middleton for the Royal Wedding, it has been announced.

The glamour model and beautician is credited for bringing the Vajazzle trend – which involves glueing small ‘crystals’ to a lady’s bikini area – to the UK through her use of the procedure on the ITV2 hit reality show.

The royal bride-to-be is reported to be an avid viewer of The Only Way is Essex and developed an interest in the saucy fashion craze after seeing it on the show.

The BBC’s royal correspondent Peter Hunt said: “Amy Childs and her Only Way is Essex co-stars were out at trendy Mayfair nightclub Whiskey Mist at the same time Kate Middleton was there with her friends.

“Kate approached Amy to say how much of a fan of the show she was and mentioned that she secretly would love to get ‘vajazzled’ as a surprise for Prince William.”

A close friend of the couple told Seleb Spy: “Of course, William is yet to see Kate’s English rose, despite having been courting for some ten years he will only be granted that privilege on their wedding night.

“And what a delightful surprise he will get when he sees a charming gem stone decoration in the design of a Union Flag, Big Ben, or something else suitably patriotic.

“Like the White Cliffs of Dover.”

Clarence House confirmed, today, that Childs had accepted its invitation to embellish the royal quim in time for the highly anticipated wedding ceremony on 29th April.

A Clarence House spokesperson said: “Kate is just an ordinary girl like any other. And ordinary girls at the moment are adorning their intimate areas with jewels to provide a pleasant diversion for their male companions.

“I’m sure Princess Diana would have approved. In fact, if she’d have been alive today I’m sure she would have been ‘vajazzled’ herself by now.”

Childs, 20, from Chigwell said she was honoured to have been appointed by the future Queen and that nothing would give her greater pleasure than glueing small pieces of coloured glass to her tuppence.

She added: “It’s quite easy once you get the hang of it – the key is to make sure the crystals are securely fixed to the skin. The last thing you want is any of them coming loose.

“No man wants an errant Vajazzle crystal in his jap’s eye.”